One of those special days is coming up, and I don’t know what to do.
I’m dreading it.
I want to hide.
Yet, I know the day will come anyway, no matter what.
How do I survive this?
Our calendars are full of special days. Holidays. Birthdays. Anniversaries. Thanksgiving. Christmas. The list goes on and on.
And now we have another “special day” to consider – the death anniversary of the one we lost.
For grieving hearts, these special times on the calendar are anxiety-producing, frustrating, and painful. Our hearts sense when one of these days is approaching, even if our minds haven’t actually thought of it yet. We’re designed for connection. We’re still attached, even though our loved one or friend is no longer here.
Special days and holidays surface our losses like nothing else can. We seem to bump into a memory with every step. Everything reminds us of our loss. Facing these days can feel like a solo climb of Mount Everest.
For most of us, our first instinct is to hide, hunker down, and wait for this storm to pass. This is indeed an option, but it doesn’t help us much on our grief journey. In fact, trying to run from these days only sets us up for more pain and anxiety down the road.
So, what can we do?
We can shift our mindset to using these days in positive ways to help us grieve. We can make a simple plan to intentionally remember our friend or loved one and honor them somehow.
We might light a candle in their honor or donate to a charity in their name. We could serve in a cause that was important to them. We might write them a letter or express our gratitude for them in a journal. We could even invite a few people to join us that day and have a time of memory sharing. There are many options.
As we proactively plan for the coming special day, chances are part of our dread will be released. As we move through the day remembering and honoring them, we give ourselves an important opportunity to express what we’re feeling and thinking. The day will likely be emotional and even painful, but it can still be good.
As special days come, focus on using them rather than letting them use you. Set your sights on grieving in healthy ways by making a simple plan to remember and honor the one you’ve lost.
Affirmation:As special days approach, I’ll make a simple plan to remember and honor my loved one. This honors both of us and our relationship.
Suggestions:
If you find yourself dreading special days, please know that almost all grieving hearts tussle with this. You are far from alone. Here are some things you can do to navigate these pain points on the calendar:
- Make a simple plan for the next special day on the calendar. What are your concerns and worries? What special memories do you have of this day? What might you do to intentionally remember and honor your friend or loved one on this day?
- Connect with others who know grief well. Many have been through numerous special days on their grief journey. Share with them about your upcoming special day. Listen to their wisdom. They will assure you that what you’re feeling is normal and common.
- If you’re in a support group, share about this upcoming day with them. The group may have helpful insights. Together, you can help each other meet the special days ahead. For more
- When the special day comes, be prepared for grief bursts. There may be many grief triggers during the day. That’s natural and to be expected. It will be an emotional day, but you can use it for good – to help you grieve and to honor your loved one.
- If you can, try to include others in your plan for this special day. This gives others a chance to share and to grieve. This helps everyone.
Special days are hard. Make a simple plan to use these days to take good care of yourself and to honor your loved one.
Taken from The Grief Guidebook: Common Questions, Compassionate Answers, Practical Suggestions
Question: What special day are you facing next? What are your concerns or fears? Feel free to comment. We’re in this together.
December 15 th is coming up,,,,,the day of my husbands death. And one week before his birthday. Just found out a few weeks ago that our granddaughter is pregnant with identical twins. Sad that my husband will not get to meet them or get to know them.
Hi Gaylene. Thank you for commenting and sharing. Sounds like December is a tough month indeed for you. I’m hoping it went as well as it could. And congratulations on the twins! What a blessing. And yes, each new thing reminds us what was – and who is no longer here. Painful. I’m so sorry – so sorry. Praying for you now, Gaylene. Peace to you today.
Just went thru anniversary of Mike’s death on November 5th!!Then here comes Thanksgiving and Christmas!!! God is faithful but certain times are still hard!!
Yes, indeed. Well said. Thank you for commenting. God is indeed faithful indeed – especially in the tough times.
The special days are Thanksgiving, Advent and Christmas. This was a special time for my wife who died in January. The whole family got together for Thanksgiving. As Advent started my wife had a Nativity collection of over 100 Nativities from around the world. She would always display them at our church for the Christmas season. My three sons, their spouses and I plan to have a quiet Thanksgiving together with everyone supporting each other. Then the week after Thanksgiving we plan to display some of my wife’s Nativities to honor her memory. The only way I have gotten through this last year was because of the support of my sons.
Thank you for commenting and sharing this Kenneth. That sounds like a great plan – well done. I’m betting it went well, though I’m certain it was very emotional and difficult. Thank goodness for your sons. I hope you are doing well. Please feel free to reach out anytime. Blessings to you…
Very well written. I agree with this, but for us the special day is our day and most do not understand. Also do not want to bring fellow survivors down as well. Talking about it before the day helps tame down the anxiety as it builds. 6 years out and my outlook is changing. I have done things in our community to make a difference all throughout the year, but have not specifically done something on the anniversary day. My goal is to do something in memory of and hopefully lesson the grief burst. Thank you for all your great research and writtings.
Hi Ray. Thank you for commenting and sharing this. Excellent points. And what a wonderful goal for the anniversary day. I hope you are doing well. Blessings too you…
My daughters first angel anniversary 19th DEC .last night Ito her the 18th .her nieces 3rd birthday Dec 21st and the winter soltice.Christmas eve and Day. Newyears eve and day
Hi Sandra. Thanks for sharing this. Wow. So many special days all in a row. I’m hoping they went well and that you are doing well. Be kind to yourself. This is so hard. Blessings to you…