People can disappoint us, especially when we’re grieving.

People we counted on disappeared. Others distanced themselves. Still others do and say things that trigger more pain and grief.

Most people are compassionate for a few weeks, but then everyone expects us to magically “return to normal.”

One big loss seems to lead to another, and another, and another.

To say that this can be depressing is a gross understatement.

So, what do we do with this?

A few days ago, I mentioned that expectations can sabotage a grieving heart. In that email, we talked about taking a good look at our self-expectations and evaluate just how realistic they are, given that our personal worlds have been smashed beyond recognition.

We said that unspoken, unevaluated expectations often lead to disappointment, frustration, and anger.

If this is true about our expectations of ourselves, might it also be true of our expectations of others?

See if you can relate to any of the following. Many of us who are grieving expect others (those around us) to…

• Be understanding and know what kind of pain we’re experiencing.
• Remember that we’ve had a devastating loss when they see us.
• Know how to interact with someone who is in this much pain.
• Know what to say and do to comfort and support us.
• Talk about our loved one and share our grief.
• Understand somehow that we’re different people now.
• Grasp the magnitude of overwhelming change cascading down upon us.

It would be nice if these things were possible. The reality is that in many of our lives there are very few people who can do any of the above. Some of them are, frankly, humanly impossible.

This was our loss. Our loved one. Our special, one-of-a-kind relationship.

No one around us knows what we’re feeling. That’s impossible. No one in our personal circle can “understand” us completely. Many can sympathize. Some can empathize. But our feelings, and our pain, is our own.

That’s special. That’s also lonely.

Lonely? Yes. Alone? No.

There are many, many other souls on this grief road. Each of us is traversing through our own unfamiliar, uncharted territory. Thankfully, we can travel together.

For those unwilling or unable to meet us in our grief, however, expecting them to somehow get it and support us as we would like is probably unrealistic and highly unlikely.

So, take a deep breath. Give yourself a moment.

Try to identify the expectations you have of others at present. Be honest. Be specific.

Are these expectations being met? If not, are these expectations realistic (or even possible)?

Would we perhaps be better served by releasing others of the expectation of supporting us like we would like?

This is why support groups and friendships with fellow grievers can be so vital and important. Some fellow grievers really “get it.” Some are safe, supportive people who are not only willing but able to meet us where we are and walk with us a bit.

Do you have some of these people in your life?

All this relational upheaval is painful and disorienting. This is hard, hard, hard. Be kind to yourself. Find and connect with some safe, supportive people.

Watch out for those sneaky expectations. Be kind to yourself. You already have enough to deal with.

Thankfully, there is One who really understands. Check out the prophetic passage in Isaiah below.

He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.
Like one from whom people hide their faces, he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.
Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.
– Isaiah 53:3-5

Question: Have people disappointed you? For your own sake, do you need to adjust your expectations of others? Feel free to comment and share.