Grief can be terribly challenging. Most of us try to find ways to help ourselves feel better. Sometimes the need for relief can lead us to dark places. This article, adapted from my book, Aftermath: Picking Up the Pieces After a Suicide, talks about how addiction can sneak up on us in the grief process.
“I should have reached out for professional help. Instead, I became withdrawn, depressed, and angry. I turned to alcohol.” – J.H.
FROM THE GRIEVING HEART:
I’m running. I can feel it.
I’m engaging in that old behavior again. And it’s getting worse.
I’m numbing out. I don’t want to feel any of this. I want it all to just go away.
My thoughts are torture at times. I must escape. I must get some relief.
Who am I kidding? I don’t “have” to do anything.
I’m abdicating. This must stop.
I need help.
None of us can handle the full onslaught of grief and emotional pain that comes from the death of a loved one. If we have had issues with addiction in the past, this loss can set us up for a fall. Even if we haven’t struggled with addiction in the past, the death of someone we love can drive us to self-medicate.
The pain gets to be too much — or we think it does. We want relief. We need a break. We run to the things that seem to promise that.
Addictive behaviors promise relief and escape, but all they give us is pain and personal bondage. Addictions are charlatans. They’re sneaky and deceptive. Once we engage in the addictive behavior, it becomes even tougher to resist.
Addictions are often our way to try and gain some control over what seems to be an uncontrollable situation. We feel out of control, so we take action — in this case, unhealthy, self-destructive actions.
Guilt can drive us to scary places. If we feel responsible, we’re only a step away from, “I don’t deserve anything good. I deserve hardship and pain.” Addiction is one way we punish ourselves.
Breathe. Watch out for the lure of addictive behaviors. You are more important than you know. We need you.
Affirmation: I’ll be alert for the lure of addictive behaviors. I’ll be careful not to isolate. I’ll surround myself with safe, healthy people.
CONSIDER:
Here are a few tips regarding addiction and addictive behaviors.
• Guard your heart. Be on the alert. Watch out for the lure of addictive behaviors.
• Know that running from the pain of grief will not work. You’re only storing it away and allowing the pain more control over your heart.
• Watch out for the tendency to isolate. Get the alone time you need but stay connected to other people.
• Surround yourself with safe, healthy people. When addiction or temptation strikes, involve someone else quickly. Share with someone safe. Don’t try to go this alone. If addiction is an issue for you, find the support you need (support group, counselor, pastor, mentor, etc.).
Adapted from Aftermath: Picking Up the Pieces After a Suicide. Watch the brief book video here.
Additional Recommended Resources:
Take a Break from Depression – Thrive Global
The 5 Step Anti-Anxiety Prescription – Wellness
Finding the Safe People We Need – The Grief Toolbox
Well Gary it’s just not easy. I can’t believe July will be 9 years since my daughter died in pain from breast cancer. I still can’t believe I don’t have it. For awhile sometimes I feel I am able to be a stable human being. Then, it always comes back. The depression, guilt, non communication with my husband and son. He has his own family and doesn’t visit anyway, his excuse being they are so busy and live too far for a weekend. I do have a connection with God and he has forgiven me for blaming him but life still seems to be too much. I will never commit suicide only because I don’t want to go to hell and have to see my daughter in heaven some day. I know about your son and am in awe of anyone who can go on living a normal life eventually. The only real comfort I get is from my dog. Sorry I can’t help with your new book. God bless you
Thanks for sharing this. You’re so right – it’s anything but easy. I’m so, so sorry about your daughter. What a tragic, painful loss – one that changes the life of a mom forever. Yes, the intensity of the guilt can boomerang back on us at any moment. I’m so glad you have your dog. Please be kind to yourself. I’m praying for you now – for a strong sense of God’s presence and love. Peace, comfort, and healing to you…
I have this site to be very helpful in my grieving. I thank you for it and want you to know how much I appreciate it. I have followed a lot of the advice. I’ve tried to go it alone but now I am going to take advantage of a group at our senior center for people grieving. I also attend the oil painting class. Most people in the class are widowed. I not only lost my husband to cancer, three months my sister died from a fall. My drug of choice is sleeping or just being lazy. Since the weather has gotten better I am getting out more. Every morning I walk with my Bassett Hound Stella. I also pray a lot. I do research on various subjects in the Bible. I pray many more people will find this site. I rely a lot on Matthew 29:11. Also Jeremiah 11:28-29. Even though I am now 71 I know I still have many more years to live.
Hi Betty. Thank you for sharing and for your kind words and support. I really, really appreciate it. I’m so proud of you for beginning to “get out there” a little and let some other people into your heart and your grief. Thankfully, we know the Lord has been with you in this all the way. He’s the ultimate grief companion. His love for you is perfect, and He is expressing that all the time, even if you can’t perceive it. Thank you for these scriptures. Wonderful. I’m glad you have Stella! Please be kind to yourself in all this, Betty. Peace to you today…
Always enjoy your emails. I recommend your books often.
Thank you for being there! My daughter has been gone for over 2 yrs now and my husband does not like me to talk about her. I know we deal with grief in different ways.
HI Judy. Thanks for sharing with me. Yes, we all grieve in different ways. And some of us guys aren’t great “talkers” or even “listeners” when the subject hits close to home. His not wanting to talk about her clearly tells how painful it is. Sigh. I’m so sorry, Judy. Please be patient with him, and yourself. I’ll be praying for some heart-openings – some new movement inside that will be healing and helpful for both of you. Peace to you today…