Loss stuns us. Our hearts have been hit and perhaps broken. We can’t think. We can barely talk.
The following article is adapted from my book Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child. No matter what your loss, chances are you can relate to Steve’s stunned and grieving heart.
“I can’t think. I can hardly talk,” Steve stammered, as he sat in the booth across from me.
When I entered the restaurant and sat down, Steve didn’t see me. He was looking at the menu. I sat there for several minutes, unnoticed, while Steve stared at the same fixed point on the page.
When I softly cleared my throat, Steve slowly raised his head and blinked.
“Hi Gary. I didn’t see you come in,” he said slowly.
Everything seemed to be in slow motion for Steve. His daughter Stephanie had been killed in a car crash a few days prior. Everything since then had been a blur, including the funeral. She was 16.
Steve and his wife Bonnie were stunned. Their lives had been forever changed in an instant.
THE UNTHINKABLE STUNS US
When death strikes, it can be merciless. Some losses are unthinkable. When the unthinkable becomes reality, we’re stunned.
It’s like being smacked on the head with a brick dropped from a 5-story building. We didn’t see it coming. At first, we don’t know what hit us.
We stagger, stumble, and fall. The best we can hope for is to lay there and still be able to breathe somehow.
The magnitude of the hit is so great, our minds can’t begin to process it. Our hearts refuse to do so. The world just cracked in two.
We find ourselves momentarily frozen, immobile. We’re awake, but not all there. We can’t be. The truth would kill us instantly.
We stare. We blink. We can’t think. We mumble.
Call it disbelief. Call it denial. We’re stunned. We should be.
“I’m stunned. How can this be? I don’t want to believe it.”
QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER: Does anything from Steve’s experience resonate with you? If so, what? Most of us are good at putting on an act. Do you give yourself permission to be “stunned?”
Adapted from the Best Book Awards Finalist and Amazon Bestseller, Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child.
Additional Recommended Resources:
Grief Soundbites: Shock – Gary Roe YouTube
7 Questions for Life’s Tough Times – Thrive Global
When We Feel Papalyzed in Grief – www.garyroe.com
Hi Gary. My husband went to heaven on January 20 2019, my dog who we shared together 18 days ago was put down, now we discovered my friend deceased in a trailer she was renting 11 days ago. I thought I was doing pretty good until my friends death and my dog, my dog I was slammed some, was coming around and doing better, now my friend, it has been tough, still have to view her and the funeral service? I have been praying for her family. I have read excerpts from many of your books and emails, I still have to finish Greiving a loss of a parent of an adult child, still haven’t finished it. God bless you Gary.
Thanks for sharing this. I’m so sorry. What a tragic series of losses. Please be very kind to yourself in all this. You’ve been hit hard, multiple times. If there’s anything I can do to help, please reach out. Blessings to you today.
It will be my son’s 14th birthday in Heaven on Feb. 20th and 2 mos. later on Apr. 19th it will be his 4th Angel-Versary.
Almost 4 years later and I’m still basically going through the motions most of the time. I have zero motivation and none of my former interests appeal to me. I can barely get in my car to go anywhere because I’m paralyzed by the triggers. I mainly stay at home.
I was a stay-at-home mom and homeschooled our son the last 4 months of his life. He was the center of my universe! I was there for the whole awful experience and have terrible flashbacks. His passing was sudden and unexpected and I relive it constantly in my mind. I don’t know how to move forward even after almost 4 years… I’m feel completely helpless and hopeless knowing I have to live my life without our son by my side. He was our only child and the light of our lives.
Hi Sonya. Oh no. I’m so sorry about your son. What a huge grief challenge this must be. And the flashbacks too. We can’t unsee something. It wedges itself deep in our hearts and minds. Love is powerful indeed. Again, I’m so sorry. Please feel free to reach out and share here anytime. You’re not alone in this. Please be kind to yourself today – and especially during February. Blessings to you, Sonya…
i felt like this continually after our son’s sudden death. Now, I still get grief burst where I feel like I can’t breathe , after 5 1/2 years
Hi KC. I’m so sorry about your son. Yes, the grief can be so intense, and so long. Please keep being as kind to yourself as you know how. This is a marathon. Your grief honors your son. Your grief proclaims your love…
Spot on Gary that’s how I felt when I loss my husband to cancer. Even though I knew it would come it still stunned me. I felt a loss so deep and felt that I couldn’t go on with my life as he was my other half. I have never felt such grief, not even the loss of a parent could compare. Thank goodness I found your books that have helped me go forward one day at a time. Keep writing and I will keep reading. Thank you Gary
Hi Shannon. Thank you for commenting and for sharing this. Yes, even if we expect it, nothing prepares us for it. That loss really does change everything. And thank you for your support and encouragement. I’m so glad we’re in this together. Please be patient with yourself, Shannon…
Hi Gary, my mama experienced 4 children that went to heaven prior to her going to heaven. It made me tear up, mama held onto the Lord whom she got saved after her second child, her first child was miscarried but still a baby. Her faith in the Lord, helps from counselors and also greifshare, she was an overcomer.
Thank you for sharing this. So much of life is about overcoming. Your mom was clearly an overcomer, and her trust in the Lord empowered her in that. I’m so sorry for this huge loss. Please be kind to your own heart in the days ahead.
It is horrible how you feel life is moving so fast and demanding from you and we can barely take a decision or give an answer. I had felt life so fast and I was in such a big need to just not move or think.
But I felt everything and everyone, life itself demanding from me.
It is still hard somedays still is. After 4 years I take some weekends to rest my heart of missing him and the pain that he is gone.
Hi Elsi. Thanks for sharing this. I’m so sorry. What a huge loss. I’m glad you’re taking your heart seriously – and taking some time for heart-rest. So important, and so wise. Our world moves so fast. Sometimes, we just need to be still. Thanks agian for commenting.
It has been a year for me now. A year ago I lost my husband suddenly. My world as I knew it was destroyed! I still find it difficult to believe. I have learned to fake the “good” act because not many understand how I am still hurting so profoundly.
I want my hisband and my life back! I am now living a life I didn’t choose and I hate it.
HI Jane. Thanks for sharing this. I’m so sorry about your husband. That loss is massive – and as you know, it changes everything for you. The hurt is so deep, we can’t even get there intellectually. Our hearts are in pieces. I’m so sorry. Please be kind to yourself. This is a hard, unpredictable road. And please stay connected here – comment, ask questions, etc.
My niece died in a car crash. I felt like this when she died. The only thing that made sense to me at the time was to get to my younger brother and his wife that were Laura’s parents to be with them. I wanted to help them in any way I could. I remember packing for the trip, not being able to think about what to wear. I remember calling my daughter in college to come home and bring her brother. I called my oldest son who could not drive to tell him his sister would pick him up and bring him home. I tried to find my husband on our farm and could not find him at first. I called my other two sons schools to tell them the news let them know not to send our sons home on the bus, but that my husband would pick them up after school. I drove to my brother’s home in numbness.
Hi Linda. Thanks for sharing and commenting. Numbness. Yes. It’s like we’re on auto-pilot, as if we’re semi-robots at the moment. I’m so sorry. What a tragedy. When our hearts are hit, it definitely takes time to find our feet again. Thanks again for sharing.