After the holidays, I ran into Chris and Karen in the grocery store. They seemed to be moving in slow motion, shuffling their feet and staring blankly ahead. I was almost on top of them before they noticed me. They looked exhausted.

Chris said, “When Karen’s mom passed away, we knew the holidays were going to be hard, but we never dreamed they would be like this.” “I’ve never been so frustrated in my life. I feel like such a failure,” Karen added.

We maneuvered to a little café area where Chris and Karen told me their story. Their kids had a tough time with grandma not being there. Grandpa seemed withdrawn, hopeless, and lost since she passed.

Karen tried to be strong and make Christmas more special than it had ever been before. They purchased more presents than usual and planned an abundance of family activities. Their calendar was packed.

When Christmas rolled around, nobody talked about grandma. They tried to celebrate, but a cold, sad silence frequently descended upon them. Everyone became irritable. The kids seemed to be angry at everything and everyone. Karen’s dad would sit and stare at the walls or wander off.

Karen and Chris tried even harder. Now here they were, weeping in a grocery store café. Sadly, their story isn’t unusual.

Is it possible to make wise holiday choices from a broken heart?

Making Wise Choices

Grief is terribly draining. Fatigue and even exhaustion can set in. You’re going to need more rest than usual. Even the routine activities of life can be overwhelming. Your emotional gas tank is near empty. You’re running on fumes.

When you have a limited supply of gas in the tank and no viable opportunity to fill up any time soon, what do you do?

• Limit how much you drive.
• Drive in a cost efficient, wise manner.
• Keep a close eye on the gas tank.

What does that mean for the holidays?

• Be wise.
• Make healthy choices. You’re most likely going to have to do less.
• Intentionally remember and honor your loved one.

How do you do that?

First of all, consider your usual holiday regimen. Holiday activities fit into one of the following categories:

Traditions

Traditions are generations old and have deep meaning for you and other family members. They become part of your family identity. When someone central to a holiday traditional dies, that once-honored ritual is now part of your holiday grief minefield.

Here are some possible questions to ask:

• Do we want to continue this tradition this year?
• What seems most consistent with the situation and where we are in our grief?
• What would honor our loved one the most?

If possible, it’s important to discuss this as a family. Good things come out of healthy communication like this.

Musts

It’s amazing how much of our holidays revolve around what we sense we must do.

• What are your typical holiday obligations?
• Do you have to do that this year?
• If it must be done, do you have to do it?

Remember, you’re running on much less than a full tank. Obligations use gas that might be needed for things of higher priority.

Habits

Some holiday activities are habits. We’ve always done them, and perhaps in a certain way. Unlike traditions, habits have little to no intrinsic meaning to them. They’re just our routine.

Routine is important, however, especially in times of emotional distress or upheaval. Habits give us a sense of control, which is comforting when we’re journeying through unfamiliar territory.

• Which of your holiday activities fall into the habit category?
• Do you want to keep that habit this year?
• Is that habit comforting and meaningful to you, or is it time to make a change?

I Want To

I-want-to stuff is the most fun of all. It falls into the just because category and doesn’t need to make sense to anyone else. And yes, the I-want-to stuff might also be a tradition, a habit, or even an obligation. The key is you want to.

• What do you want to do this holiday?
• Where do you want to go?
• Whom do you want to go with?

Again, the key words are want to.

Remember, if you’re at a quarter-of-a-tank, there’s only so much you can do.

• Guard you heart.
• Make wise choices.
• Intentionally remember and honor your loved one.

You’ll be glad you did.

Breathe deeply. These holidays with be different, but they can still be good.

Adapted from the Amazon Holiday Bestseller, Surviving the Holidays Without You: Navigating Grief During Special Seasons.

Additional Recommended Resources:

Grieving During the Holidays, Part 3: PEACE 107 Radio

Grieving During the Holidays, Part 4: PEACE 107 Radio

9 Options for Healthy Grieving During the Holidays – Wellness.com