Life is full of details. After a loss, the seem to multiply exponentially. Soon, we can be frantically treading water in the middle of an ocean of “must do’s.”
The following post is adapted from my recent book for those who are experiencing the loss of a spouse or life partner. No matter what your loss, I believe you’ll be able to relate to a lot of this. We need space to live and breathe. When we’re grieving, details can be extra stressors that steal our oxygen.
FROM THE GRIEVING HEART:
I find myself thinking about money again today. I probably ruminate on financial matters more than I realize.
I wonder what to do and who to trust. I go in circles about what decisions need to be made and what changes would be good and wise.
At the same time, there’s a part of me that doesn’t care. It’s just money. I’ve lost you. That’s all that matters.
Then reality settles in. I need money. I think about the future and wonder how I’m going to manage and how all of this is going to work out.
This isn’t fair. You were here yesterday – at least, it seems like yesterday. Now, I live in a completely different world – alone.
I have people who care about me, but I don’t have you. Th e emptiness is intense. The loneliness is constant. Even when I’m surrounded by people, I feel adrift, alone in a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean.
Finances are huge. And they are nothing. I despise even having to think about them. I need wisdom I don’t have. I need discipline I don’t have energy for. I need expertise from someone I can trust who knows what they’re doing.
The details continue to strangle me. A verification call here, a death certificate needed there. Retrieve a password for this, make a phone call and get stuck on hold forever about that.
My heart just wants all this to go away and for you to come back. I want life as it was.
Financial matters and money decisions can wear us down. They come at us every day. They swirl around in our minds and disturb us in the middle of the night. Perhaps we even wake panicked and terrorized. The sudden uncertainty of the future looms over us like a dark, forbidding storm cloud.
We wonder what’s next. Perhaps we’re internally bracing for the next disaster. Maybe some of the funds we need are tied up and on hold. Perhaps we have complicating factors such as greedy relatives and insensitive creditors. We might discover debt or obligations that we weren’t even aware of.
Financial matters can set off a different sort of grief storm. If we feel left out of the loop, we can experience anger or frustration toward our departed partners. If the circumstances are stressful enough, we can even feel lied to or deceived. These things become a part of our grief process. Whether our financial transition is fairly smooth or terribly rocky, money matters tend to stir our emotions. Our hearts want to be free to love by focusing on grieving the loss of our mates. These additional weights feel like an irreverent intrusion at a sacred time.
We might be in the equivalent of the Grief ICU – broken, bruised, semi-paralyzed, and in pain. And yet, we have all these decisions and responsibilities coming at us. Imagine a group of people crowded around a bed in an ICU unit screaming questions and waving papers (all at the same time) at a barely conscious patient. Ridiculous.
And yet, that’s what it feels like to many of us.
Our hearts need space. Lots of space. The world around us screams its urgent demands. We must breathe deeply and look to our own hearts. What’s most important? What can we handle next that’s realistic and doable? We’ll do that, and then see.
One thing at a time. One moment at a time.
Affirmation: My heart is my most important possession. I’ll take care of it today. I’ll handle what I can, as I can.
Adapted from the recently released Comfort for the Grieving Spouse’s Heart: Hope and Healing After Losing Your Partner.
Question: Have you felt pressured or constricted by details in your grief process? What has helped you manage this so far?
Additional Recommended Resources:
7 Questions for Life’s Tough Times – Thrive Global
Grief Soundbites #5: Fear – Gary Roe YouTube
5 Tips for Overcoming Worry and Fear – The Parenting Bookmark
Thank you. THIS IS THE WAY I FEEL, PLUS I FEEL VERY EMPTY AND LOSS. YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD WITH THIS ONE.
Thank you for commenting. So glad it was helpful. And glad we’re in this together!
Uncertainty says it , empty, alone. Thank you Gary. Good reading.
Hi Audrey. Thanks for commenting. And thank you for your kindness. It’s tough stuff, this grief…
Oh Mr. Roe how I can so relate to this. It’s as if the whole world fell apart the day Peter died. I have not been able to catch my breath in any matter. I just wait for the next anguish to start. I just want to lay down and sleep, hear the silence, not answer the phone, etc. I just don’t want to deal with any of it!!! I feel like a Robot and someone just keep pulling the strings!!! I start to think I’m doing better then another Drama comes along and sucks me under.
God is my Only Hope and my Only Savior through this time and I so embrace him. Even this at times is hard to do but I just keep pushing on.
Hi Carolyn. I’m so sorry about Peter. Thank you for sharing this. I know that many of our readers can relate to what you’ve written here. And yes, God will get you through. He loves you so much. He knows all about this stuff – this loss, pain, grief, etc. And He feels it with you. Praying for you…
I found myself in this situation after my husband passed away unexpectedly. For over three years I worried about finances but always had a plan of selling my condominium and moving into something smaller. Then I unexpectedly inherited a large sum of money when my dear cousin passed away. I miss her too but I am grateful that she remembered me and is taking care of me now. The loneliness is still terrible as now I have lost both of the people that I shared many conversations with. But I have also gained two of my cousins good friends for myself now.
HI Barbara. Thanks for sharing. Amazing how things work out sometimes. I’m so glad you were taken care and provided for. And with some bonus friends too. Please be patient with yourself and kind to yourself on this lonely road. Glad we’re in this together, Barbara. Take care of yourself.
I feel I’m doing well, trying to not let anything overwhelm me.
I appreciate these affirmations from you. CSH
This excerpt hit the nail on the head! 4 weeks after my husband died his kids, primarily his daughter bombarded me with wanting the house their dad rented out. I was numb, an empty shell, shattered and wrecked. I said I’m not making any decisions for a month, but the harassing continued and she involved all of her aunts and uncles and our friends in the town we live in.
Needless to say, I did pull myself out of the family due to not wanting to be bothered by their demands as well.
I did give them what they wanted so I can move on in peace and finally grieve in peace.
It has been a very difficult and lonely as I’ve been friends with my husband’s family for over 30 years, so to lose them is like losing a piece of my heart.
Life goes on and you do get stronger. My family and true blues friends are with along with my Lord.
I will never stoop down to their level and I will honor my husband all the days of my life.
xoxo
Hi Denise. Ugh. I’m so sorry. The world around us can be difficult when we’re grieving. We’re stunned, devastated, and perhaps even a bit paralyzed – but the world just keeps coming at us. Sounds like you took your heart seriously and did the best you could for yourself and to honor your husband in that situation. The loss itself is enough, with all that extra collateral damage. Again, I’m so sorry. Keep being kind to yourself, Denise…