Financial issues are naturally stressful. So is loss. Put the two together, and the pressure can be overwhelming and frustrating.
Though the following post is taken from my new book for those who have lost a life partner, I’m certain you’ll be able to relate to some of this, if not all of it. Loss is expensive, in many ways. Our hearts just want to be free to love and to grieve…
FROM THE GRIEVING HEART:
I wish money wasn’t such a big deal. It can be such a pain — and so stressful.
You left and I don’t know where anything is. At least, that’s the way it feels. Bills keep coming. There are more expenses than I could have imagined. Losing you was enough. I don’t want to have to worry about money, too.
Just having to think about finances is frustrating – even infuriating at times. There are too many decisions to make. A new decision pops up every day, if not every hour.
I miss you and want to grieve. Frankly, I could care less about money right now. And yet, I’m worried about it too.
I resent money right now. I resent all these decisions that have to be made. I resent having to talk to the bank, Social Security, insurance companies, and all the rest.
Everyone wants proof of this or that. I can’t get into this or that account. I need a death certificate for this, and another one for that. Th ere’s a waiting period for this. I have to wait on probate for that.
I’m drowning in paperwork and details. I feel angry and scared.
You’re not here. It’s just me now.
I suddenly feel nauseated.
Financial management can be stressful even in settled seasons of our lives. When a spouse departs, money issues quickly descend upon us from every direction. Like ocean waves, things to do and decisions that must be made keep rolling in. Our already broken hearts can feel further battered and bruised.
Bills. Phone calls. Death certificates. Banks. Social Security. Insurance. Utilities. Name changes, additions, and removals. Car titles. Real estate deeds. Investments. The list goes on and on.
We can feel violated. We’re stunned and feel immobilized. We’re grieving and the emotions are intense. We’re missing our mates desperately. These details – which we know are important and can’t be ignored – invade and nip away at us. Decisions relentlessly poke and prod our already sensitive souls. Our minds reel under the weight of a to-do list we didn’t want or ask for.
Now everything falls on you. All the world is looking to you for a yes, a no, a signature, or an action of some kind. And the monetary issues we needed an answer about yesterday seem to all come with a large label that says, “Wait.”
And in our digital age, finances are inevitably linked to usernames, passwords, and security questions. We understand the reasons for these measures, but they can be overwhelming at a time when intense grief is pounding our system. If we don’t have a handy and easily understandable list of our financial information ready for such emergencies, these details can tip us over the edge and into feeling overwhelmed.
Though frustrating, these financial matters are part of our grief journey. Let the emotions come. Find healthy ways to express them – talking out loud, writing in a journal, sharing with others, etc. Look for some helpful, healthy people who can walk with you through this.
We grieve one step, one moment at a time.
Affirmation: Money and financial matters can be frustrating and draining. I’ll handle them one at a time.
Adapted from the recently released Comfort for the Grieving Spouse’s Heart: Hope and Healing After Losing Your Partner.
Question: Has money been a stressor for you in your grief process? How so? What’s helped you navigate this?
Additional Recommended Resources:
The Five Step Anti-Anxiety Prescription: Wellness.com
Overwhelm: When Little Things Become Gigantic: garyroe.com
7 Questions for Life’s Tough Times: Thrive Global
I’m 87. My first marriage of 40 years ended as we lived in Brazil, serving as missionaries. Tragic. My husband had several well-hidden affairs and children outside of our marriage. Many hurt besides our family. I had to return to the states, I didn’t want to. Three HARD YEARS of learning how to live again.
I re-married. We were both 59 and we had 26 plus years of a good, challenging marriage.
We moved to Brazil, where he taught and I translated. Many lives changed, including ours. His health failed and we had to return to the states. In February 2017, he went HOME. Since then I’ve been working through the grief… have learned much… am writing a book … discovering that is not easy, but I’m determined.
I thank God for his goodness – and for people like you.
Hi Voni. Thanks for sharing this. Oh my. First of all, thank you for your service to our Lord as a missionary. There is so much involved in that. And I’m so sorry about both these huge losses – and all the extra complications that had to come with the death of your first husband. You are far more than a survivor. You are the overcomer that Scripture speaks of. I’m thrilled that you’re writing a book. Write, write, write. We need you and your experience. Stay determined, and if I can encourage you in any way, please let me know. Praying for you now…
Everything that this says, can relate to. When contacting creditors, banks, phone companies, utilities, all of it…the same refrain comes “Sorry for your loss”. What word do I use to describe my husband “dead, passed away, transitioned, went home”, I find myself using something different each time. Dead, died are like stones on my heart. I know the word is true, but having to repeat it over and over to accomplish new tasks is heartbreaking. I sold our home, bought a new one on my own. Bought a car, furniture, met with financial advisors- all new tasks alone. Anxiety creeps all over me like a cloak as I worry about the future. It is just the pits.
Hi Jervetta. Thanks for sharing this. You’re certainly not alone in these sentiments. Well said. Keep breathing deeply. Everything seems massive right now. And please keep sharing here, as you want to. You are not alone. Blessings to you, Jervetta.