Many of us feel invisible, especially when we’re grieving.
When I was a kid, invisibility was the superpower I dreamed of possessing. A traumatic childhood played a large role in this. If I was invisible, I could go unnoticed and escape some of the pain of life.
This weekend, I had the honor of speaking at the Mountains of Courage Conference in Bozeman, Montana. During one of the keynotes, I talked about invisibility. There are times when we all wish we could be invisible, but the irony is that we all need to seen. We need to noticed and heard. We long for this, especially when we’re hurting.
The world, however, is not kind to grieving hearts. We get hit when we’re already down by critical judgments, attempts to fix us, and unhelpful comments. People disappear. Our relationships change. We learn to keep our grief to ourselves. We can feel invisible.
At the conference, I shared that one of the ways I manage the pain of feeling invisible is get out of my own head and notice others who usually fly under our radar. Cashiers, food service workers, custodians, customer service agents, supermarket cashiers, stockers, cleaning crews, etc. These people serve us but hardly anyone notices them. They have names, families, challenges, and hurts. Each one is of extraordinary value and unique in human history.
In my grief, I made a decision to start seeing these folks. I engaged with them, called them by name (almost all of them had name tags), and thanked them for their service.
Their reactions were priceless. Stunned looks, smiles, laughter, and words of appreciation. Over time, the change in my own heart was substantial. As I made the effort to see others, I healed a little.
If I want to be seen, I need to see others. My goal is to treat others the way I want to be treated. It seems like such a small thing, but life is made of such little, incremental kindnesses.
Even while we’re vulnerable and feel like a mess, we can make more of positive difference than we realize.
Question: Have you felt invisible in your grief process? What was that like for you? Do you feel like there are some people who see you and attempt to hear your heart?
P.S. We all need good companions when we’re hurting. Sometimes, a book can be that. That’s why I wrote Comfort for Grieving Hearts. Check out this Best Book Awards Winner here.
I’m invisible but I feel like I weigh a ton. Like my heart…heavy yet crushed like so much broken glass. On May 30, 2019 at 6:27am, my 35 year old son died. I see my psychologist weekly…still. She has kept me alive. I’ve lost over 35 pounds, I’m 71 years old and every morning I wake up discussed that I’m still here and must get through another day. My husband is deep in depression and I’m too destroyed to help him at all. I write in ptwo journals, I have some wonderful friends, I belong to a writing group meets weekly…but this sorrow is all consuming. I prefer the ability to fly rather than invisibility.
Hi Linda. Oh my. Thank you for sharing this. I’m so sorry. I’m very proud of you for reaching out and getting some help. We all need help – sometimes lots of it. I’m thankful you have supportive people around you – that’s huge. I must admit, the ability to fly sounds pretty good. Linda, if there’s anything I can do for you, please let me know. Please be patient with yourself. Again, I’m so sorry.
Your kind words are soothing. Thank you.
Hi Gary, 4 years ago my boyfriend ghosted me by totally disappearing out of my life with no warning. He had drug problems which he didn’t know that I knew about. I never saw him again. Yes I grieved and cried every day. Then 10 months later I got ill with a vestibular problem from all the stress I was going through which was another trauma I had to deal with. I couldn’t walk for 6 months and had to go to physical therapy to learn how to walk again. I still deal with dizziness and disequilibrium on a chronic daily basis. I’ve been through 2 psychotherapists, a psychoanalyst, 2 psychiatrists, neurologist,
acupuncture and honestly, none of them have helped. Most of them have told me my condition is now psychosomatic. I truly did have a vestibular problem but even I feel that it healed but since the 2 traumas I had back to back
I have chronic severe anxiety attacks, chronic disequilibrium, haven’t worked for almost 3 years. I researched a condition called Chronic Subjective Dizziness which none of the therapists I’ve seen never heard of. I have a lot of the symptoms it portrays. It says it happens after traumas whether they be emotional or physical, and also after vestibular problems which the brain holds onto thinking that the person still has symptoms after the vestibular has healed. I really feel this is my problem. The article says it can be helped by cognitive therapy and psychotropics. I don’t want to take psychotropics, too many side effects, and I’m very sensitive to drugs of any kind.
I’ve always been an active happy person, rarely sick. All the doctors I’ve seen haven’t done anything for me I feel to help me with my scary situation. I pray a lot and I know God is the ultimate healer. I’ve lost friends, and not from me pestering them. I sure found out who my friends were when this happened to me. So I’m isolated, scared, spend 24 hrs a day alone. My financial situation is beyond scary. My family is back East and I live in the West so they cannot help me. This all sounds so doom and gloom doesn’t it? Well I’m the complete opposite of the person I’ve become because of the two devastating traumas I went through. I just want my life back to function normal again. What’s the scariest is the disequilibrium that I experience every day and the anxiety it causes feeding off of each other. The anxiety makes my symptoms worse. Also that I can’t seem to find the help that I need where I live. My insurance only goes so far with the therapists here. Anyway Gary, thank you for listening and God Bless. Please pray for me. Thank you, Cynthia
HI Cynthia. Oh my. You have really been thought it – and are going through it. What courage you have! I can’t imagine what you must deal with daily. Please know that you are one-ofa-kind, unique in all of history – that you are priceless and valuable – no matter what you can do or can’t. I’m praying for you now. Please feel free to share any time. You are not alone – but I know you know that, even though it might feel that way sometimes. Blessings to you…
I AM invisible. Today is Phil’s birthday. The only way people “remember” is if I post it.
I was actually surprised his one sister emailed me this morning, but it was cold- she’s remembering her brother. Nothing to me, just what she’s doing and how thankful she is for the memories of their childhood and faith growing up. I can’t reply. I’m tired of feeling like I’m forcing myself on people. No one cares, unless I spend my time validating their fear of grief. What about mine? I’m not afraid of it, but it’s in every cell of my body and I’m tired of being treated like I’ve got some horribly contagious disease. I’ve tried reaching out to others, grieving or not, but just get turned away. I’m done. It seems like I’ll just have to get used to the most horrific isolation I’m being forced to live because society just doesn’t want to know. I even decided against a bus trip to see my son (I don’t fly any more) because it would mean being on the bus for 24 hours fighting my constant tears so I don’t freak anyone out. My biggest regret is that I didn’t die with my husband.
My brother has been gone almost w years. He passed away March 24, 2017 at 34 yr old. Noone ever checks on me anymore. Once the funeral was over it seemed like everyone else moved on. My friends knew him since he was young and most of his friends he had since childhood also. I never hear from any of them anymore. I miss hearing and sharing stories of him so much. It’s been heavy on my heart and mind lately how alone and invisible I am. I look fine on the outside but am suffering inside. Brandon’s big sister #forever34
HI Amber. I’m so sorry about Brandon. Yes, we need to talk about them. We silently scream inside. Is there anyone where you are who is safe that you can share with? We all need someone like that. Please feel free to engage here any time. You are not alone…
My Facebook page is all about inspiration, encouragement, love, kindness, animals, flower, beauty,etc. I didn’t go on Facebook until after my husband passed away and decided I would use it as a ministry . I also make it a point to thank and appreciate those who serve me ( checkers, etc.) It’s fun to see their face when I ask how they are and how their day is going! I love and support people in my life- share experiences and make memories.
Hi Molly. Good to hear from you! Way to go. Keep it up – I know you will. It’s amazing what happens when we take time to see someone and engage. Thanks for being you. Blessings…
I’m coming up on the birthday of my son, who died 12/12/14. This year is a lot harder than it has ever been for me. A major trigger is the wedding of his cousin in two weeks. It is the day after his birthday, and I just don’t feel like going. Am I a bad aunt? So hard to watch what will never take place in my life.
HI Leah. Thanks for sharing. You’re not a bad aunt. Far from it. You simply don’t want to go places that you know will be painful and difficult. You’re heart is vulnerable, so no wonder. This wedding is complicated for a number of reasons. Please be patient with yourself and take your heart seriously. And please feel free to reach out here and share. We’re here to help, if we can.
I work in a school system and my therapy when I lost my mom this year Jan 1st then my father in law Jan 16th and before that on Dec 20th the day she was born! My first grandbaby had to spend 10 days in the nicu for doctor neglect I was devastated! Believe it or not my students were the ones that helped me thru! Because my school is an underprivileged one their needs were so great I threw myself back into it hugely! That has helped but at times I still struggle thinking that maybe I did not give myself enough time? So there are times i feel alone eben tho i am not? Sounds crazy I know but I have several buddies like you suggested that have helped me along the way! So I know I am not alone! Just so much to process in a short time!
HI Angie. Thanks for sharing this. Goodness. You got hit hard, and all in a row. I’m so sorry. Thank you for teaching and doing what you do. Your influence is immense. And some of that is coming back to you! Glad for those buddies of yours! If there’s anything I can do for you, please let me know. Blessings to you!
My husband struggles with depression. He is quiet, enjoys me just sitting with him but saying nothing. He has good comments for other people who do the same thing I do. He has a million excuses for why he does not want to be involved in what I do or even encourage me when I perform. I used to think if I just kept trying harder he would love me or say I did a good job. I grieve the silence of the one I want to notice me. It like living in a tomb. I definitely live as a invisible spouse.
Oh Kathy. I’m so sorry. Thank you for sharing. To not be seen by our mate is truly devastating. Do you have anyone where you are that you can share freely with about this – someone safe? The loneliness is already intense, and not being able to share would make it even more so. Please reach out here any time. Again, I’m so sorry.
Hi Gary, I would like to order your books, my daughter chose to leave this Earth a year and a half ago. I am falling apart. My marriage is suffering, I have buried myself in my work. I don’t know how to move forward. Could you please suggest where to begin, which books to start with. I would be very grateful. Your newsletters speak to my very soul. You understand how I feel. Thank you very much.
Hello Mitzi. Thank you for sharing with me. I’m so sorry about your daughter. And yes – as you might guess – many marriages experience increased difficulty after the death of a child. Based on what you have shared, I would recommend Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child. You might want to get Comfort for Grieving Hearts as well. The latter will be easier to read emotionally, if the former turns out to be too intense. I hope that helps. Please feel free to email me any time, Mitzi. Blessings to you…
Excellent advice! Thank you Gary@.
Hi Linda. Thanks for your encouragement! So glad we’re in this together.
Yes, I sometime actually a lot of the time I feel invisible. My husband of 53 years passed away in 2011 and little by little the family dynamics began to change. 3 years as girl and boyfriend and 50 years married is a long time to be with someone and then to just have them out of nowhere gone. Family dynamics has changed drastically and I no longer know who I am or where I belong.
Hi Charlene. Thanks for sharing this – so honest and real. Yes, you’re not alone in this. The death of a spouse rocks everything – everything is different. And that includes all those family dynamics. What an uphill battle this is. We question who we are now and why we’re here – what’s our role? Hard, tough stuff. I’m so sorry. Please reach out any time, Charlene – I’m here to help, if I can. Blessings…
I feel invisible. I’ve learned nobody wants to hear or see my grief. So I dropped out of social life. Went into my own world. I’m alone. I lost every one of my family members and my soulmate. I live n the country out of sight and I feel out of mind. Coping each day the best I can. With my own thoughts and by myself. Time stands still at my house. I have no tv. Don’t have a clue about current events. Don’t have a schedule to keep because I’m on disability. I don’t keep track of the days because so many are anniversaries of a birthday or funeral or some other kind that reminds me of my losses. It’s too painful to be seen or heard. Because when someone asks, how are u, they don’t really want to know. And I can’t say, I’m fine. And I’d break down if I told the truth. I write. To myself, my soulmate who is gone, poems, to nobody n particular, just writing down my feelings. it helps. Helps me release some feelings and helps me see myself more clearly. I’ve learned to console myself. Everything u spoke of is me.
Hi Leanna. Thank you for sharing – and so honestly too. I’m so sorry. Many of us can understand this – how our lives slowly shrink because of losses. I’m so thankful you’re writing. That’s excellent. Writing can be such a good, effective companion in grief – I know it has been for me. I’m sad there’s no one there for you. Please feel free to reach out and email me any time, post here, vent, or whatever. We’re here to help, if we can.
And this is me. Lost my spous of only months but a knowing each other our whole lives and together for nine years. The last five he was sick diagnosed with rare autoimmune vascular disease k
Now
N as Wegeners Granulomosis… it attacked his kidneys and he suddenly was on dialysis and fought to get a kidney unsuccessfully. I feel terruble about not doing an awareness benefit , buying a bill board or doing more to actively find him the kidney which could have saved his life and other organs. His son and brotger have been absolutely unsupportive showing up the last eight weeksctp basically inventory and steal our mutually owned assets. I felt estranged from my husband before he died as his brother encouraged him to believe I had not tajen great care of him. Its been absolute hell. Miss him every second… especially miss a hug n hand holding from our years before he became so sick. He was an amzingly physically strong man whom didnt let me see how much pain he was in. Im better than i was before he died in July/August and after he died October/November. But as of late keep bustingbinto tears missing him. He would have been 70 on March 18th n everything has just been awful without him. I suffered from caretaker burnout, early grief and my usual major depressive disorder in July/August andvused redpite care to help ne out. Meanwhile going to court to try n retrieve belongings taken by stepson and brotger. So much hell. Prayer keeps me going. I would do almost anything for a do over n to vrung him back to me.
Anne, thanks for sharing with us. Goodness. What a rocky road you’ve walked – and are walking. I’m praying for you now. I’m here to help if I can – so please feel free to share here any time, email, or whatever. I’m praying for you now…
Leanna,
Thank You for your trust and sharing what you are going through! I to feel every word that you have said. I am approaching the 3 yr date of the passing of my forever Angels my 17 yr old son and and then 49 yr old brother. Two totally different murders but two very great losses. I want to run!!!!! That’s all I want lately,also I do not want to live but to afraid to die if that makes any sense at all. I have another child and a father that I am forever grateful for, but you see they are the only people who keep me here. I would never want to cause pain to them. I don’t even know where I am going with this. But I guess I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your feelings and I am so thankful I am able to read your post. Today or right now at this moment I do not feel alone!
Thank You
Regina
Hi Regina. Thanks for sharing this. And thank you for your support of Leanna. Your caring heart is clear. I’m so sorry about these huge losses you’ve had and are enduring. Ugh. You are more important than you know. Thank you for blessing all of us. Please feel free to share here any time. Blessings to you, Regina.
Gary,
I do so appreciate your insight for those of us who have suffered loss, regardless of what that loss might have been. Mine was the loss of my spouse of many years, and yes I have experienced the invisibility factor many times over. Yesterday I was asked a totally unexpected, down-to-earth question by an acquaintance — a friend. And it blew me away, because that was the first time in the 15-months since my loss that someone stepped down to my level and asked something other than the proverbial “How are you/how are you doing.” I so appreciated that.
I have learned over the course of my suffering to overlook the lack of understanding of those who have not walked this path and to accept them for who they are, where they are at, and still love them. I look for opportunities to be an encourager to others rather than looking for acceptance and inclusion from them. Thank you for your understanding, caring heart!
Hi Sandy. Thank you for writing and sharing this. I’m so thankful for that acquaintance! We need people to cut through the cliches and ask something meaningful to our hearts. And I’m so, so proud of you for how you’re decided to approach others and their responses to you and your grief. Yes! We can’t expect them to be where we are – they aren’t. If we can guard our hearts, forgive quickly, accept others where they are, and continue to love, our hearts heal. We’re never the same, but we can still heal. Please feel free to comment and reach out any time, Sandy. Blessings to you…
Yes I feel like everyone has just vanished. When you need people more, they don’t call me or come see me. I feel hurt because I see them doing for others who are hurting in a different way. I try to do for others too and this helps. I know it will get better in time.
Hi Faye. Thank you for sharing this. I’m so sorry. Thank you for being bold and reaching out to others. You are being blessed – even in ways you are unaware of. You’re right…things will change over time. Please be patient with yourself – and kind to yourself. And feel free to write any time. Blessings to you, Faye.
I am at the two year mark of my husbands sudden death. I do have family and friends who acknowledge his memory frequently and always support me-but I definitely have close friends who have just gone on with living, and I know that’s to be expected, but all I ever hear from them is about their travels and how wonderful their life is….I never hear words from them like “how are you doing and would you like to get together sometime soon” maybe I’m too sensitive
Hi Marie. Thank you for sharing and writing this. I’m glad you have those supportive people in your life. And I’m sorry about the insensitivity of others. It sounds like they don’t really see you right now – and perhaps they can’t. This is all too common. No, I don’t think you’re being too sensitive. You want to enter in and engage with them – you’re going to them but they are not coming to you. Relationsihps are hard when that’s the case. Ugh. Please be kind to yourself, Marie. Blessings to you…
Yes; I have been journaling letters to my emotions..Invisable just got added…
Hi Lori. Glad you are writing. There are SO many benefits to that. Excellent! Blessings to you…
Good Morning Gary, feeling invisible I feel just is the normal with grief. I feel people don’t want to ask you how you are because they don’t want to feel your sadness or listen to what you have to say because it upsets their day. After my grandson died I found comfort in speaking with a former pastor of mine. He was one person who could make me feel better about the way I felt. I called him one day and got his wife instead who I had always considered a friend. When I told her what was bothering me she went into that I had other grandchildren that I needed to be thankful for and I needed to move on. My grandson died this past June and this was only in September. She made me feel awful like I didn’t feel bad enough as it was. She said she had been seeing what I had been sharing on facebook like meme’s of grief and it was time to move on. This hurt me pretty bad and I don’t know if I will ever see her the same again. I haven’t called them since. People at work only want to hear I’m okay so that is what I give them. I give my grief to God and know in his on time he will pull me through this. I can’t talk to my family because they hurt also and they worry about me so I don’t want to burden them. Yes feeling invisible is a big part of my grief. Thank you for listening. I did buy your book Shattered and I cried and prayed a lot when I read it. After finishing it I gave it to my daughter, I hope she reads it and finds comfort in some of the exercises you have us do.
Hi Marcia. Thanks for writing and sharing this. I’m so sorry. Ugh. And the lack of support doesn’t help. At all. It sounds lonely. Very. I’m so glad you have the Lord. He is the ultimate companion. He knows all about grief – and all about feeling lonely, rejected, neglected, etc. He walks with you and feels what you feel. Keep leaning hard into him. He loves you perfectly, all the time. And thanks for passing Shattered along. If there’s anything I can do for you, Marcia, please let me know. Blessings…