When we lose a loved one, our hearts ache. They writhe in pain. Eventually, we can emerge angry, wondering who’s responsible for this.
From the Grieving Heart:
Today, I’m feeling angry. Surely someone could have done something. I mean, this didn’t have to happen, did it?
I wonder. Is someone responsible somehow, someone beyond me?
If I’m looking for who’s potentially at fault, I don’t have to look far. Yes, there are people I could be mad at. It would be easy to find a target for my anger.
I could always blame you. Why did you have to be there, then? Why did you have to do the things that got you there? How dare you leave! Did you have any idea of the devastation your departure would cause?
I’m frustrated. I want to take this out on someone and something, but who and what? In the end, I circle back around to the fact that you’re gone, and nothing is going to bring you back.
I admit that the anger feels good. It feels powerful. Perhaps it causes me to feel like I’m doing something, maybe protecting you somehow. Do I want revenge? Maybe I want someone to pay.
I don’t know. Maybe I don’t have to know. Maybe it’s enough to say, “I miss you. I’m angry that you left. I’m angry that you’re not here. I’m angry you’ve been taken away.”
I’m angry.
As humans, we’re good at the blame game.
At some point, most grieving hearts look for someone or something to blame for what happened. Powerful emotions seem easier to express if we have a clearly defined target.
If we’re looking to lay blame, finding someone to pin the loss on is easy. There are usually multiple possibilities and no shortage of candidates. Even our missing loved one could wind up on the list.
Frankly, we’re good at the blame game. Over the centuries we’ve developed it into an art form. Of course, there are times when specific people are responsible and at fault. In any case, forgiving those we perceive to be in the wrong will be key to our grief process and recovery.
Forgiveness is not saying that it doesn’t hurt or that it didn’t matter. Forgiveness is saying that it did hurt, it did matter, and we refuse to let what someone else did control our minds, hearts, and decision-making. We often see forgiveness as releasing the guilty party, when instead we’re releasing ourselves from an invisible snare.
Our hearts can’t afford to keep score. If we do, no one wins. We grow cold inside, and finally bitter. The internal rage shows itself over time, usually in self-destructive ways.
In other words, we can’t afford to not forgive. Our hearts, relationships, and quality of life depend on it.
Affirmation: Blaming won’t bring you back. Instead, I’ll forgive. I want my heart to be set free from unforgiveness and anger.
Adapted from the 2018 USA Best Book Award Winner, Comfort for Grieving Hearts: Hope and Encouragement for Times of Loss. Watch the book video here, and download a free excerpt today.
Question: Have you found yourself asking who’s responsible for your loss? What’s helped you in working through this?
I was the one everyone blamed when my son and when my husband died. My husband actually called me a murderer and a butcher because I am the one who had to make the tough decision of turning off life support and sign for him to be a donor. Both decisions I do not regret. There was no one to blame when my son died. His death was a shear accident that no one could have predicted. He was simply cooking chicken and the grease exploded causing him to suck hot grease into his lungs. I guess I could blame the chicken for his death but I know in my heart that it was just his time to go. He had shared his thoughts to me just days before about ending his own life. I believe God chose to take him the way he did to spare me from having to deal with a suicide and because he was needed at that exact time to save 2 other people’s lives by being an organ donor.
Then when my husband died his daughter blamed me for not doing enough to keep him alive. My husband died from years of heavy drinking. He drank to ease the pain of his past. I tried many times to get him to cut back or stop. When I found out his liver was failing I did everything I could from changing his diet to help his liver function to practically locking him inside the house so he couldn’t go drink. But after we lost our son and then he lost his mother he had given up and wanted to die and there was nothing I could do that would stop him. He was ready to go. I do believe that we all have a birth date and we all have a death date. And it doesn’t matter what we do to try to change it when its our time its our time. I guess I could blame myself for my son. I was supposed to take him out for a chicken dinner that day but due to a change of plans my uncle took him to his house instead where my son decided to cook his own chicken. Had I taken him out for chicken that day (August 15, 2011) would he still be alive. I honestly don’t think he would. I believe he still would have died a week later on August 22nd 2011 by a different cause. Though I do blame DCF for taking away his will to live. When they took his son from him and put him up for adoption without giving him a chance to get him back even though he was doing everything they were requiring him to. There was no way he could complete what they were telling him he had to do in the time frame they gave him. When they took his son they told him he had to complete a 6 month outpatient treatment but they didn’t get him into the treatment for 3 months so when the 6th month deadline came up and he had not completed the treatment they forced him to sign his rights away which utterly destroyed him and took away his will to live. It was less than a year after they forced him to sign his rights away that my grandson was adopted to a couple outside of the family. They refused to let anyone in our family adopt him even though there were 4 people who was willing to take him and did qualify according to their guidelines. In fact my niece overqualified according to their guidelines but they wanted the money from the outside adoption that they wouldn’t get from a family adoption. I was told a little over a year ago by one of the workers on his case that they already had the adoption lined up before they even took my grandson. They had a couple looking to adopt a healthy little boy under the age of 5 and my grandson fit what they were looking for. My son signed his rights away in April, He got to see his son for the last time in may, at the end of July his son was placed with the adopting parents, My son died in August, I was told my husband had less than 2 years left to live in Nov and my grandsons adoption was final in December. My world completely and my life forever changed in 4 months time. And in the following 2 years I lost my husband and 17 other close family members and friends along with my home and the life and future I had worked hard for. And the only person I can blame for the way my life is now is myself. Because no matter how hard I try to move forward I can’t. I don’t have the energy to pick up the pieces again and again. All my dreams and everything I worked for all my life is gone and nothing I do will ever bring them back. Now instead of trying to live my life and looking forward to my future I just survive the best I can stuck in this hell that has become my life. I do what I can to help others because its the only time I feel remotely alive. And If I can keep others from going through what I have and feeling the way I do then my life will still have some meaning to it.
HI Linda. Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry about your son and your husband – and all the other losses that have come from those deaths. And then there’s all the other deaths you mentioned. My goodness. How traumatic and painful. No wonder you feel as you do. I can’t imagine. Your life is completely different, in every way probably. I’m praying for you now, Linda. Please reach out here any time.
The way things happened at the end of my husband’s life were so wrong and unfair to him and to me and it was the result of third, fourth, and fifth parties if you will. I was not with him when he passed away due to the actions of these people! But you know I could just as easily say it was from some of my actions! Perhaps I
I was too weak to endure what was happening at the time and I get angry at myself for being too weak to take what they dished out at me! I’ve never been a weak person in my life!
Then I’ve been angry at my husband for pretty much allowing it to continue and then again get angry at myself for getting angry at him! God bless him, he was so sick.
This makes no sense to anyone reading it, I’m sure, because I can’t fill in the empty spaces. It is my personal battle with who and why. And I’m stuck and I know it! But I said all of this to, I guess, to let someone out there know they are not alone with their internal battles. Mine are still raging!
I’ve started counciling to hopefully work myself out of this place I can’t get out of alone. I really want to.
God and I are working on the forgiveness part and that includes myself. It is a slow process for me. I do know that forgiveness is an everyday choice and not a one time thing to do. At least it is for me.
Gary please keep me in your prayers. This grief journey is a trip that I don’t seem to be navigating too well. And thank you for all that you do to help people like me, STUCK!
Hi Vickie. Thank you for sharing. Thanks also for your honesty. I’m so sorry. What an arduous journey! I’m praying for you now. I know you feel stuck, but yet the actions you’re taking clearly show that you are prcoessing this – and if you’re processing it, you’re also most likely healing, bit by bit. I know it doesn’t feel like it – but thank goodness feelings are not facts. Keep doing what you know to do – and rest as fully as possible in the fact that God loves you and He is with you in this mess. He is closer than you know. And please continue to share any time. Blessings to you, Vickie.
OMG this resonated so much with me, remembering back to the day I came home from work and found my husband dead on the floor of our bedroom… his morning medication pills were scattered on the floor, and a paper shredder that was next to his side of the bed had been knocked over when he fell, presumably from a massive heart attack. We shared a duplex with another couple/family and the wall that connected our units wasn’t that far from our bedroom. I just remember in that moment of shock, grief, and overwhelming pain, I actually had the nerve to ask them (after I found out they were home that day) while screaming and crying hysterically, “Didn’t you hear him hit the floor???”
What a horrible horrible question, and thing to do to somebody. I didn’t even know these people, as they had just moved in not long prior to this. As if they could have saved him, I wanted so badly just to believe that and blamed them in the process, basically. I have carried the guilt of that question for the past 4 years.
Of course I went to them and begged their forgiveness after apologizing a couple of days later, but it was still a horrible thing to have done. Oh, and their answer to that question was no; they said all they heard was my hysterical screaming when I walked in and found him. =(
I’m sorry Gary, that was a bit more than just a comment.
Hi Roxanne. Thanks so much for sharing this. I am certain that many can relate. I know I can! Our hearts are hit, and we react. It’s a sudden grief reflex. Forgiving ourselves is huge. Thank you, Roxanne. Blessings to you…
Gary, I appreciate your encouragement to not play the blame game..I know in my case, I think if I can find the deeper meaning to why my son died, I can keep it from happening again. Of course I know AML and the results of this terrible disease led to the death of my son. So, for my grandson cord blood was saved so that stem cells would be readily available if the need were to arise. But my faith tells me that God allowed my son’s death..so I have to ask why, what did I do wrong? Did I love him too much? Did I put him before God in my heart? …and the same question carries over for my grandson and my daughter. There are no answers to this, its a question that stays out there hanging in the emptiness. How do I forgive myself, if indeed it is my fault? I can’t , I just have to go through the wave that crashes now again on my soul. Then I can realize that for what ever reason , I am here , my son is not. I have to be the best me I can be for my family . A self hating mother, grandmother, wife …does no one any good. I do this over and over, but I just have to keep going.
Hi Lisa. Thanks for sharing this – and sharing so honestly. I’m so sorry. You’re right. There is no emotionally satisfying answers. These things are beyond us – way beyond us. Please feel free to email me and share any time. I’m so sorry you’re going through this I know for me, self-forgiveness is an on-going project – over, and over again – different levels, different triggers. I’m praying for you now, Lisa. You are not alone.
It’s been 10 years since I lost my 22 yr old son. I still blame the girl he was with. It was her vehicle and at the end of the night, she New he had too much to drink as well as herself. But yet she had him drive. It was my sons fault for the car accident. He was drunk.
Hi Elma. I’m so sorry. How awful. No wonder you feel as you do. If there’s anything I can do for you, please let me know. Again, I’m so sorry.
I still feel angry when I think about it… My beloved husband passed away at 1:57 AM – Monday July 18, 2016 in the hospital MICU. That Saturday, our world started falling apart. He called me in from doing some yard work, that humid afternoon around 5 PM. He said he had this awful pain in his abdominal area. We thought it could have been the usual esophagus pain he had, and it could last up to an hour. This time it was not going away. He tried to sit down & relax a little, as I searched the internet for causes of the pain. Soon, he started to yell out in pain, and said he felt dizzy and was sweating. No time to call 911, I could get him to the hospital faster. I ran around trying to close the house down, put the dogs in their crates, grabbed my purse & car keys, and helped him upstairs from his “man cave”, down the sidewalk, and into the car, and away from the safety of our home, and away from our happy married life.
All the way into the hospital, he was yelling in pain, like I never heard before. I was in denial I guess, had no idea what was wrong, but felt certain “they” would soon help him, and out of this terrible pain he was in. Because of a lot of health issues, and frequent hospital visits, he was always joking around with the staff, and soon had the nurses waiting on him hand & foot. He was a loveable, easy going guy who was also charming and kind. This time was different, no joking around, he was in agony. It scared both of us, at the pain he was in. I begged the hospital staff in the ER to help him & take the pain away and find out what was wrong. They did administer several several doses of strong pain reliever that didn’t seem to help. I can’t even remember them taking a blood draw, but later – they insisted they did. They asked him if he could stay still long enough for an ultrasound, but was writhing in pain still. They did a chest xray – that did nothing to disclose the problem. They kept giving him IV pain meds, that finally caused him to fall asleep. I sat there with him for hours, still not knowing what was wrong, and it didn’t seem to me that the staff was trying very hard to find out. They calmly sat poking away on their computers, laughing & talking among themselves, outside of his room. My husband was finally getting some pain relief, and getting drowsy after several hours, and fell asleep, but not before he told me thank you for all the years I stood beside him, was always there for him, and that he couldn’t even begin to tell me how much he loved me, that he was sorry for all the worry & pain I went thru during his various illnesses. I told him not to ever apologize for that – I was God’s helpmate for him, and I loved him with my entire being. I told him I loved being his wife, and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. We were truly soul mates. I guess that was our good bye to each other, although we had no idea it was good bye. I stayed for a while longer, after he was sleeping, asking the doctor if he thought it was ok to leave him. He said he thought he was stabilized, and had a “Good Prognosis”. I felt for home, and tended to my elderly mom, and fed our dogs, and before I went to bed I called the hospital once again, he was still in ER, waiting for a room. I climbed into bed, praying that terrible phone call wouldn’t come… But – it did. 4:30 AM that horrible ringing started, I woke screaming. The male voice on the other end said my husband woke up about 3 AM, saying he couldn’t breathe, they intubated him, and he was brought into MICU eventually. He was on a ventilator while they tried to isolate what was wrong. He lingered for about 22 hours after that. He never regained consciousness.
It was finally determined that he had diverticulitis, and there was a small breach into his colon, where some deadly bacteria escaped into his blood stream causing sepsis, that turned into septic shock. What troubled me was that 20 years prior, my husband had a similar problem, but was immediately diagnosed , and had emergency surgery to remove about 8″ of his colon. It was also in his computer history that in 2014, he again had diverticulous, as noted from his colonoscopy, but was not infected or inflamed. We were never told this! I also felt that they could have easily found this information out in the ER while they were poking around in his computer records. This time, they did nothing but give him pain meds for the time he was in the ER. He lay there for about 10 hours until he woke up unable to breathe. By then, the sepsis already started doing its evil work, and for every hour you are not on a strong antibiotic, your chances of recovery diminish by 10%. Do the math, my precious husband never had a chance with those odds.
The autopsy report uncovered many other serious health issues we were not aware of, and maybe he wouldn’t have survived if given the antibiotics earlier. But – there is still that doubt, and anger at the slipshod way he was cared for, or not cared for, at least the way he was 20 years prior. I have tried to accept the fact that this was his time to go home to the Lord, and have tried not to blame the doctors or hospital staff for what they didn’t do. It just all happened so fast, and what is so heartbreaking is that recent health tests showed he was seemingly “holding his own”, and that Friday, he held me in his arms, and told me “Honey – I just feel exceptionally well today”! Then – 24 hours later, I was driving him to ER. How do we ever accept death of our beloved spouse, our soulmate? And yes, there has been anger at God, for taking him from me. But – in the light of everything – where am I going without Him?? I am still trying very hard to reconcile things and live without the love of my life, and trying to accept being a widow, when I so loved being his wife and our life together. I still miss him so.
Hi Lovey. Thanks for sharing with us. I’m so sorry about your husband. What an ordeal! I’m sure you have replayed this time over and over agian in your mind. I know I would. Our minds and hearts depserately try to work together to make sense of it all. In the end, we love deeply, and so our grief is deep. I know you miss him. It’s clear in your words. Your love is evident. Thank you for being a loving wife. If there’s every anything I can do for you, please let me know. Praying for you now, Lovey…
Hi Gary,
I lost my son to and overdose from accidental fentanyl intoxication. I know my son chose to use heroin. I found out after he had passed he was using heroin. I had my suspicions, and he would deny it to me. The person with him said that it was pure heroin. I blame whoever sold him the drugs. I know that isn’t right but feel some one should have been held accountable for it. I blame his Dad and girlfriend for waiting to call the ambulance and not trying to get help quick. They lied to the detective, and he never went back after that morning to question anymore about his death.
I know that my son had accepted Christ as his savior and that I will see him again someday. I long for my day that the Lord calls me home. What has helped me is knowing we will be together again someday and that my son’s battle with drug addiction is over. Even though I miss him everyday and wish i could have done something to help him so he would still be with me.
Thank you for listening.
Dottie parker
Hi Dottie. Thank you for sharing this with us. I’m so sorry about your son. I’m so thankful he knew the Lord – as we know, that makes all the difference, and this is certainly not all there is. I’m praying for you now, Dottie. If there’s anything I can ever do for you, please let me know. Blessings to you…
What if it’s yourself you need to forgive? And the self-judgement and shame that can accompany?
Hi Nanae. Great question that almost all of us can relate very well to. Forgiving myself is an on-going project. Intellectually we know that guilt benefits no one, least of all us. We honor our loved ones best when we can serve and love well. Guilt strangles the hearts and devours whatever love might be there. Most of us tend to hold ourselves hostage about something back there. Please feel free to share with me any time – vent, or whatever. I’m here to help, if I can. Praying for you now, Nanae…
Hi Gary. Ive struggled w this forgiveness thing forever, being that Im stuck w letting go of betrayal, lies, purposeful damages done to me or my lost wife. Forgiving them sounds ludicrous. And to think it frees Me ? I dont understand how I am free by letting a deliberately harmful person off the hook ? Nor how on earth, it has Anything to do w me, the victim.? Im not angry at this betrayal person, but I cant logically see why or how to let her off the hook for intentional harm. Why? and ,,, how? then, it only feels like I am the liar , betraying the truth, beyond this cause and effect thinking. My honesty about the situation, has nothing to do w forgiving, but with facts of a behavior that had / has nothing to do w my thoughts or actions. Im confused how that even can work consciously. Im near 70 now. This concept has been an ongoing study. I dont get it ??
Hi Jia. Thank you for sharing this. I know that many of us – maybe all of us! – can relate to what you’ve said. I’ve been there too. Forgiveness is definitely on on-going process – I’m learning all the time. When I forgive, I don’t see it as letting the person off the hook. I’m not saying that what happened was okay or that it didn’t matter. It mattered. It hurt. It was shattering perhaps. If the person who harmed me or my loved one doesn’t own up, confess, and show major remorse, chances are I’m not going to be talking with them at all. Forgiveness is for me, not for them. Reconciliation depends on their response and remorse, etc. They are no less responsible because I forgive them. And in my mind, they are never off the hook. We reap what we sow, though at times it does not seem that way. There are many unanswered questions, aren’t there? Ugh. I hope this helps a little. It’s an ongoing study for both of us. Please feel free to share or contact me at any time, Jia. I appreciate your comments!
Sadly I know who’s to blame for the death of my daughter 9 years 11 moths ago to the day. Yet he still walks free. Never a night in jail nothing happened to him yet our life’s were destroyed. I know on my heart that God called her home for a reason and I great full she didn’t suffer in the car accident however I am human and I want to know why he was driving crazy and why he fled the scene. We will never know and it hurts.
I am thankful I have God that has carried us through this Storm it’s just today is her birthday 3-23-89 and I miss her terribly bad.
Hi Cindy. Oh no. I’m so sorry. How terrible. I’m so thankful for your faith. Yes, thank goodness He is with us in this storm. He knows all about unfairness, pain, suffering, death, etc. He meets us in our mess, and walks with us there. Praying for you now, Cindy. Blessings to you…
My son drown June 10, 2016 @ the age of 16 years old. He wasn’t supposed to be swimming that day. He was supposed to just be hanging out with some friends. The shore was full of people that warm summer day. Not far from the little beach, people were taking their boats and jet skis out. I live in a very small community and everyone knows someone who knows someone, ext….and I was offered a story of what happened many times, but I tell them to “shut up, I don’t want to know.” That may sound brutal, but I’d rather not know who was there or why my son drown, with so many people around who could have helped. I heard that one of his friends begged someone to use their jet ski to go help him and find him. They refused and went on their merry way. I heard that people saw him drowning and heard him yelling for help, but they thought he was “joking “. No, I do not want to know anything about anything because I would confront them and it would be a nasty confrontation. I am not that person but I feel myself becoming that person. Maybe years from now, I can have those conversations, but for now I will let it rest.
Hi Joy. How awful. I’m so sorry about your son. I can’t imagine some of the images you must have imagined in your mind about all of this. How frustrating, confusing, and angering. You’re right – there are times for those kind of conversations. Our hearts have to be ready. Grief is a process and sometimes it seems to crawl along. Our hearts have been shattered, so no wonder. Please be kind to yourself in this. And please feel free to share here or email me any time. Again, I’m so sorry.
My husband died of suicide 3 1/2 years ago. I go from sadness to angry & then back again. I get mad st him, mad the the medical community for not helping me, then sad that I was mad at him. It’s a visicous cycle.
Hi Vicki. I’m so sorry about your husband. Sadness and anger are our two main emotions in grief, especially when the loss is a result of suicide. And there are so many questions too. You’re right. It’s a vicious cycle. This is so hard – please be kind to yourself. And please feel free to email me and share any time. I’m here to help, if I can.
Blame is the most useless emotion that exists, nothing good comes from it. It doesn’t solve anything, doesn’t change anything, cannot fix what is broken. It will however leave your rooted in the past, angry and bitter. And it can grow into such a mammoth entity until you don’t know how to get rid of it.
Hi Ano. Thanks for sharing this. Well said. You’re so right – blame can take on a life of its own and grow into a devouring force that takes over our hearts. Thanks again for commenting. Blessings to you…
An off duty cop killed my son. No charges were ever laid, of course not. Cops investigating cops, you know the whole blue brotherhood thing. Of course I blame him, of course I’m angry. Was my boy in the wrong place? Absolutely he was. Was it dark and difficult to see? Yes it was, but if it weren’t a cop, there would have been charges laid. He got to have 6 months off work paid trauma leave. I got nothing. Being self-employed I had no choice but to go back to work right away. Forgiveness is hard. I wear a mask, but I’ll never forgive the drunk cop who took away my son, never.
Hi Diane. Thank you sharing with us. What a terrible situation. I’m so sorry about your son. If there’s any way I can support you in all this, please let me know. You’re bound to be dealing with so much inside. Please be kind to yourself in this. Blessings to you, Diane…
It’s been 3 years and it feels like yesterday. I go on boi can’t get out of my way. I since got divorced ( not from the father) he was so unfeeling for me and felt no loss of my Daughter. I do blame him in some ways as he could have helped more. In the end bad choice was the cause of death. I can’t accept she is gone from this earth and I will never be able to see her hug her hold her again ??
Hi Guna. Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry about your daughter. I can’t imagine the longing and sadness you must feel at times. Please be kind to yourself and patient with yourself through all of this. Your heeart is precious and worht protecting. If I can even help in any way, please let me know. Blessings to you, Guna.
I was never angry, devestated, heart broken, lost, but not angry, he could not help what happened, I could not help, Dr’s could not help, everything that was possible had been done. The part most comforting is that God in His infinite wisdom, chose to take him home, rather than let him linger any longer. He had dementia, I was his caregiver for 9 years. Yes I was broken, even though you think you are prepared, you are NOT. Almost 5 years later reality has set in and I know he is not coming back, in the beginning, the first tear, I was in shock, and expected to hear him,see him. Now I look forward to the Lords call for me.
HI Betty. Oh my. Bless you for your lvoe and care for your husband. All that caregiving – 9 years – what a tremendous labor of love. And no, we’re never ready or prepared, certainly not fully. I’m thankful for your faith – what a comfort that is. This is not our home. Thank goodness. We lean forward into eternity each day. If there’s anything I can do for you, Betty, please let me know. Praying for you now…
I think the person I blame the most for my mom’s passing is myself. I look at all the things I could have done differently and maybe it would have made a difference.
Hi Barbara. Thanks for sharing. Yes…we wonder what we about what we did or said, what we didn’t do or didn’t say. Ugh. The wonderings have no end. Ultimately, we only know what we know – and we have no idea what might have been different if we had been different. Please be kind to yourself, Barbara. This is hard. Hard, hard, hard. Please feel free to share any time. Blessings to you, Barbara.
Thanks Gary I enjoy looking at your page. I hope that in time I will be able to let go somehow. I miss my son Casey so much I still don’t understand why he did this.
Hi Donna. Thanks for commenting. I’m so sorry about Casey. Our hearts remember, because love never dies. There’s so much we don’t know or understand. Please feel free to reach out here any time, Donna. Blessings to you…