I don’t know about you, but I’m sad today.
Six friends of mine died this year, including a young neighbor across the street. Two other friends lost teen sons to suicide. Our family’s beloved optometrist was diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease). My 15-year-old son battled cancer (thankfully, that story is going well so far).
And, of the aforementioned deaths, four of them occurred this month.
Add to this numerous other challenges and obstacles, many of which were painful and confusing, and I have to say that this year has been a tough one.
Here’s what I’ve learned. It seems I glean the same lessons, over and over again.
1. Life is about relationships.
We come out of the womb needy, dependent, and looking to attach. We’re designed to connect – to love and be loved. Our lasting joys and regrets revolve around people.
2. Life is full of surprises, and not all of them are pleasant.
Life is a bit like a never-ceasing, unpredictable roller-coaster. It can be fun, thrilling, terrifying, and even dangerous. I get surprised often. Almost nothing works out according to my plans.
3. Death and loss don’t discriminate based on gender, race, age, income, or education.
Death is the great equalizer. When it knocks, all wedges that have been driven between us disappear. Categories and stereotypes become meaningless.
As wise King Solomon said over 3000 years ago, “Death is the destiny of every man, and the living should take this to heart.”
4. Loss can be stunning, devastating, and traumatic.
I’m amazed at the human heart. Love can run so deep. It can crash through every barrier and endure unbelievable suffering. For hearts wired for connection, separation can be crushing.
5. Anything can happen to anyone at any time.
No one is immune from illness, tragedy, or suffering. We wonder what’s next. We wait for the other shoe to drop. If we’re not careful, we can go internal and start existing in fortress mode. Out of fear, we can cease to really live.
6. None of us are superhuman.
We are all vulnerable. Our hearts are resilient but are also regularly under assault. Our pain is not merely physical, but mental, emotional, and spiritual as well.
We need each other desperately.
7. I’m not in control of what happens to me or to those I care about.
I have influence, yes. Control? No.
All I seem to be in control of are the thoughts I let take up residence in my mind and the resulting words and actions that flow from them.
The battlefield for overcoming pain and loss with gratitude and goodness is my mind. How I see, interpret, and think about things is huge.
8. How I respond to what happens matters – for myself and those around me.
How I deal with the unwanted surprises of life is important. When rocked by loss or uncertainty, I need to breathe deeply and return to the things I know are true.
I remember the words of my college mentor: “It’s not what happened, but how you interpret and respond to what happened that matters now.”
How I respond to life and loss matters more than I realize.
9. Life is about showing up, listening, and loving as best I can.
I control almost nothing, yet I can make a difference.
I can show up. I can set aside my agenda and listen – and then listen some more. I can enter another’s world, even if only for moment, and love them there.
No matter what…
No matter what, I can still love.
No matter what, I can choose to meet life’s challenges with kindness, compassion, and forgiveness (toward both myself and others).
No matter what, I can grieve deeply and authentically, and still serve.
I don’t know what you learned in 2018, but chances are some of the above resonates with you. You can relate. If pain and grief have been major for you this year, please know that healing is possible.
I’m glad we’re in this together.
Question: Can you relate to any of the nine truths I listed above? What do you sense you have learned from 2018?
It will be 3 years in April since we lost our son, our only child, suddenly and unexpectedly. Next month he would have turned 13 years old. From December through April each year now we experience such heartbreak over the loss of our son – from the holidays, to his birthday until the anniversary of his passing that occurred on April 19th of 2016.
I did experience a breakthrough in August of 2018 in going back to work after 2 1/2 years of staying at home struggling daily to fight my PTSD and isolating myself from the world. This change has forced me to connect with my co-workers and given me the courage to spend more time with friends. For this reason point #1, “Life is about relationships”, resonates with me.
We have also experienced great joy this past year which brings me to point #9, “Life is about showing up, listening and loving the best I can”’. We have been blessed with a beautiful young girl that has been placed in our home through foster care. Not only does she bring love, joy and healing into our home, most importantly we hope to be bringing her the same by being there for her to listen and show our love throughout each moment of trauma she relives, the daily anxiety that she experiences and continuing to show her through our words and actions that we will always be here for her no matter what our situation may bring (we are hoping for adoption and she is hoping for this as well). We will not know why our son was taken from us so soon until God calls us home and we are face to face with Jesus, but in the meantime we can make a difference and give as much love as possible to others in the midst of our pain.
In spite of the joy and breakthrough that I experienced in 2018 I also identify with #6. “Our hearts are resilient but are also regularly under assault.” I still struggle daily fighting Satan’s battle for my attention. Our loving Father is there for me, even when I feel He is absent. I must remember now that for God, our family, our foster daughter and our precious son who is now in the arms of Jesus, that I must rebuke the devil and the lies that he whispers in my ears. If it weren’t for my faith and Christian, life giving authors such as yourself that so lovingly give words of encouragement on the darkest of days – despite being in the trenches yourself – I would not be posting this comment right now.
Thank you for your words of hope and may God grant you the grace to get through your grief and loss just as you have had the strength and love for others to get so manynthrough their own pain.
Hi S.C. Thank you for sharing. What a story. I’m so proud of you. You’ve endured so much. Thnank you for painting a beautiful picture about how God continues to bring good things out of tragedy. He is a master of turning things around. And He is also with us in our grief, walking with us, feeling what we feel. He knows. He gets it. And thank you for your encouragement. You made my day. If there’s ever any way I can better support you, please let me know. Blessings to you, S.C.
Gary, I can relate to all of the above. It seems we’ve all been “hit hard” as you say, at one point or another in our lives. It seems at times I am better than at other times. The holidays were hard for me. My husband died in May, we were married for 5 1/2 years. He was my soul mate and love of my life. So, your tips and sharing of your stories is extremely helpful. I’m so happy I found you and all the others who are grieving that you are helping. Thank you, thank you.
Hi Terry. Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry about your husband. What a terrible loss – and one that changes everything. And thank you for your encouragement. I really appreciate it. If there’s ever anything I can do for you, please let me know.
You can find joy in the hardest situation as long as you keep your eyes on Jesus!
Hi Joan. You are so right. He brings perspective to all things. We will have trouble, and He meets us in our trouble. Thank goodness.
All 9 resonated with me, especially numbers 8 and 9. It has been 2 years and 10 months since my son Eric died. I have learned that I can encourage newly grieving parents who are in my online support groups. I can offer hope through my experience.My faith was tested so severely that I was afraid that it would fail, but God held onto me. I have learned to not be controlled by my emotions and I’ve also learned to be kinder and gentler with myself and others. If I’d been given a choice, I would NEVER have chosen this season of my life, yet I am grateful for the growth that has resulted. My faith in Jesus is more solid. I’ve learned to be at peace(most of the time) with the unanswered “why?!” Gary, you have truly helped me to survive this season. In your life I can see how God took something that the enemy meant for evil and used it for His good purposes. Thank you
Hi Martha. Thanks for sharing this. I can certainly relate to what you’ve written here. And thank you for your encouragement and support. I really appreciate it!
All 9 resonate with me, especially 8 and 9. It’s been 2 years and 10 months since my son Eric died. My faith in the Lord was tested so severely that I feared it would fail. It didn’t though! I have a stronger faith than I did before. I have learned the hard and painful way to not let my emotions rule over me. I’ve learned that I can encourage the newly grieving parents that join my online support groups. If I’d been given the choice, I would NEVER have agreed to go through this, yet I am usually able to thank God for the results. Gary, you have honestly been a major influence in my surviving this season of my life. God HAS taken what the enemy intended for evil in your life and used it for His good purposes. Thank you
Hello Gary,
Just wanted you to know that I understand a little of your enormous loss.
May God’s comfort and the comfort of all those who you are dear to, be with you and provide you with love.
Hello Rachel. Thanks for commenting, and for your kind encouragement. I’ll take it! Thank you!
An extraordinary word Gary. You have an awesome love and heart for the hurting and lost . I discern you are a Christian working from biblical principles . How desperate are those who don’t have an anchor in our good Lord and live in the world totally void of spiritual understanding. Over the past two years your soothing compassionate and practical advice has been of great value in my life . Faith love and hope saturate your words bringing healing and comfort. May God Bless your work and family in 2019 with His love , prosperity and grace with a fullness of dimension overflow . In His Love Karen
Hello Karen. Thanks for sharing this, and thank you so much for your encouragement. I do need your prayers. Thank you. And yes, He is sufficient for all things – even the hardest, most difficult ones. Thank goodness this life is not all there is. Blessings to you!
Oh yes, Gary I can relate to all 9. I thank God for giving you the ability to share your thoughts, pain, and grief with me and others so we don’t feel so isolated. It’s still hard for me to keep going forward without too often going back. Your strength in words gives me peace many times. I’m truly sorry for the tragic losses you’ve had this month especially. I understand too well how the mind can trick us into believing life isn’t worth living. If I didn’t have God I would lose the race. I believe in the end he will give us peace of mind and answer our questions for a new beginning. Blessings
Hi Gin. Thank you for writing and for your kindness. I’m glad we’re in this together. I keep hearing my driver’s ed teacher’s voice in high school – “Roe, glance in the rear view mirror, but gaze through the windshield.” So, here we go. The rear view mirror is necessary and valuable, as long as we are moving forward. Please keep being kind to yourself. Praying for you now…
Yet another friend died today. This wasn’t a surprise as he has been laying in a bed since September waiting for his heart to finally stop. But in that time, several more friends have died or lost a sibling or parent. One friend lost a daughter a week before Christmas. One of my father’s best friends died the day after Christmas. My husband and I are on grief overload. Our son divorced a few months ago and we are devastated! There were no signs of trouble that we could see. How can I go on and be healed myself so that I may help others? I am overcome with sadness!
Hi Nesa. Oh no. What a terrible string of losses. No wonder you’re on overload! You should be. Please breathe deeply, and be very kind to yourself during this time. And please reach out here any time you want to. I’m so sorry. You are not alone.
I can relate to all of them , having lost son in-law ,2010two granddaughters 2013,and and a daughter all in last 8 years , lost our daughter to suicide in 2017 ?, in 2018 I learned to continue to give grief time to heal, grief is not easy and sometimes takes a long time, but I know in time healing does occur, though sometimes it’s seems impossible ..God is my strength and my hope is in him ,is what I repeat often , without God I think I would be lost..
Hi Rhonda. Thanks for sharing this. Ugh. What massive losses. Yes, I too would be lost with Him. Yes, He is your strength, your hope, and your life. He knows. He feels it with you. He loves you more than you can fathom. If there’s anything I can do for you, Rhonda, please let me know. Praying for you now…
Your 9 points resonate with me. I can relate.
My pain and my grief are as fresh as the day my husband died in May 2016. But with the grace of God I’m able to deal with that. Thanks to a little boy, my grandson (turning 4 in March), who makes me want to wake up in the morning. He’s a ray of sunshine after a storm, a rainbow that colors my otherwise dreary world.
Thank you for putting my grief into perspective.
Wishing you the best in 2019, all the way from sunny and rainy Manila.
Hi Yolanda. Thank you for sharing. There you are, halfway across the world – the miracle of the internet. I’m so glad you have your grandson. What a blessing. A rainbow. Wonderful word. If there’s anything I can ever to do for you, please let me know. Blessings to you, Yolanda.
Thanks for all your help. I’ve learned to survive. Glioblastoma is a monster. Watching my healthy husband face this monster changed me forever.
Yes, it is a monster. Ugh. I’m so sorry. Please feel free to reach out here any time.
What a great way to begin 2019…listening to your wisdom, Gary. Thanks for you.
Hi Ann. You are so kind! Thanks, as always, for your encouragement. Glad to be in this with you!
I hear you! I feel the same way. This second year of my grieving, I am dealing with the loss of my former self — the woman that I was before murder and tragedy struck. But, God has been faithful, and I have also learned that He truly is as close as my breath.
Hi Nichole. Thanks for sharing. Yes…the loss of our former selves. It’s almost like we have to redefine ourselves, or perhaps better understand who God made us in new, deeper ways. Yes, He is faithful. He is with you in this, and feels what you feel. Closer than we can imagine. Blessings to you, Nichole.
HAPPY NEW YEAR GARY.
I can relate to all of the above. They all happened in 2017 for me. Your books and words have helped me in many ways. I again, thank you for. Being there.
Frances E. Perreault
HI Frances. Thanks for writing. You are doing well – better than you know. Surviving and growing – and that’s victory. Please keep being kind to yourself. And thanks so much for your encouragement and support.
First I would like to say how sorry I am for everything you have gone through this past year. All while trying to help others through our grief.
I completed my second year without my dear husband of 54 years. Somehow I have made it this far. I miss him so very much but have a great family and friends who help me along my way. Two of my friends lost their husbands to cancer too so we have a lot in common. Also your articles and books are a great resource when feeling down.
HI Karen. Thanks for sharing. Way to go. You got through the year, and that’s victory. You are growing more than you know. And I’m so glad you have those friends. Shared grief can be healing. If there’s anything I can ever do for you, Karen, please let me know.
I am so sorry for your losses, especially this time of year. I have lost two very dear people in my life…..one Tuesday and the other the Wednesday before. I felt loved by both which makes the loss that much harder.
Hi Wayne. I’m so sorry. You’ve got to be hurting right now. Love is powerful indeed. Please be kind to yourself. And please feel free to reach out – I’m here if I can help.
I copied this from above:
For hearts wired for connection, separation can be crushing. This must be why the groping/longing/etc etc since my husband, Frank, passed 7/18/16. Didn’t get to let him know how much I loved him/didn’t get to reminisce over our life of love with good bye………..
Hi Marjorie. Thanks for sharing this. Frank was clearly one special guy. Lack of closure is painful, confusing, and frustrating. I’m so sorry. He knows you love him – and you love him still. Please be kind to yourself in this. And please let me know if I can help. Blessings to you…
I have learned grief doesn’t get easier, it gets different. I am grateful for all who reach out and have remained amazing support, but this is a journey solely my own. Only I can manage through this process on my own. I have learned grief has many facets, no specific order and how I choose to grieve is okay. No right or wrong. I will give myself as much time as I need, I will cry as I need to and I will have good and bad days… I lost a piece of my heart when my daughter died. I still taste the bitterness of regret, and anger, and sometimes blame myself. I am learning to take from this that she no longer suffers, her depression and pain are gone. For that I am grateful….even through this immense pain.
HI Heidi. Thanks for sharing this. Well said, and so true. So, so true. If there’s ever anything I can do for you – any way I can support you -please let me know. It is a lonely road indeed, though we travel it together.