When loss strikes, our worlds are changed. A strand of our life web has been severed, and now everything is shaking. Our hearts begin to ask questions. And the questions just keep coming. Life becomes surreal.
From the Grieving Heart:
I miss you. Badly.
I have one of your voicemails saved. I find myself listening to it over and over. I can’t believe you’re gone.
How did this happen? Why? Why you?
I keep asking the same questions. My mind runs around the same track, again and again. I feel like I’m going in circles.
And yet, I’m going nowhere. I’m barely moving at all. I go from thing to thing, person to person, without seeing anything. I’m a shadow, flitting in and out of what the rest of the world calls “normal life.”
What’s normal now? Nothing. Everything has changed. I don’t like this world anymore because you’re not in it.
Can you hear me? Where are you?
I look around. It seems like the same world, but it’s not. Far from it.
I’m a ball of emotion. Sad. Angry. Frustrated. Confused. Sometimes it’s hard to tell one emotion from another. I feel hijacked, like I’ve been kidnapped and taken to some alternate reality.
Surreal. That’s the word I was looking for.
It’s not the same world any more.
Here are five important things to remember as the questions multiply and swirl in your brain.
1. Your heart is broken.
You’ve taken a massive hit. Perhaps you’re in survival mode. The unbelievable has happened. The unthinkable has taken place.
What? How can this be?
2. Your soul has been affected.
You grapple to understand this new reality of a world without someone we love.
How does this work? What does this mean?
3. Your mind searches for answers.
You want to understand. You’re certainly not ready to accept life without them yet. Even though they’re gone, their place in your heart remains secure. You look for them. You listen for their voice. Your search is part of love in action.
Why them? Why you? Why?
4. Your world has changed.
Each morning you expect to wake in the same world as yesterday. After a loss, this illusion is shattered. You live in a different place now, one without your loved one. Everything seems off, strange, weird.
How do you do this? What now?
5. Life has become surreal.
Everything seems to have changed. Navigating all these emotions and changes can seem about as doable as a solo swim of the Pacific. This is no longer the same world. Not for you. You did not ask for or want this change. Loss invaded, and then grief moved in.
What are you now? What’s next?
Yes, things are surreal. No, nothing is quite as it was. Your loved one mattered. Their departure is shaking your universe.
Your mind will spin. Emotions will hijack you. Your heart will ask repetitive questions. Your soul will search for answers. You are feeling your loved one’s absence.
Affirmation: Life is surreal. I’m trying to make sense of things. This will take time.
Adapted from the 2018 Best Book Award Winner, Comfort for Grieving Hearts: Hope and Encouragement for Times of Loss. Download your free excerpt today.
Questions: Have you had questions since your loss? Which questions have been the toughest for you? What has helped in your search for answers?
Recommended related resources:
10 Myths About Grief Most of Us Believe – BeliefNet
7 Things I Learned from my Son’s Cancer Journey – The Daily Positive
When my ex husband murdered our son to get back at me for leaving him, it was devastating. He got away with the crime as well. Police know he did it ( they told me) but all evidence was circumstantial and wouldn’t hold up in court. This was in 2002, and I can’t move on! Any suggestions?
Oh Sharyn. I’m so sorry. How devastating – and that’s an understatement! No wonder you feel as you do. I have a number of suggestions, but it would take some time to go through them. Do you have anyone where you are who can give you feedback like this? If not, you might consider a few sessions of grief coaching. See my coaching page on my website. If that doesn’t work for you, let me know. I know you feel stuck…but there are options out there.
Will I ever get over this and feel normal again???
Hi Rachel. Thanks for asking. I think almost everyone in grief asks this question at some point. As you commit to working through your grief, healing will take place. You will never be the same – that’s impossible. But things can be good again – better than you realize now. But for now, focus on processing the grief well. Do you have anyone where you are that you can share freely with??
An eight month widow’ after a 44 year blissful bygone days type marriage’ now this is exactly my new normal ‘my new reality’ and nobody in my family or friends’ circle can relate’
Simply dragging myself from one day to the next with multiple questions in my mind’ forcing myself to make a step forward in this new surreal life without my husband’ with a broken heart’ affected and weighted soul’and a changed world’ and a changed foreign me’
Thank You for my day’s therapy from afar’
Laura
Hi Laura. Very well said. Heavy loss feels just like that – and your loss is heavy indeed. I’m so sorry. Yes, everything has changed. You too. It’s confusing, and draining. Please be kind to yourself – and patient with yourself. I say that a lot – mainly because I know it’s true. We need a lot of kindness and patience, especially from ourselves. Blessings to you…