Holidays can hurt, especially when we’re missing someone.

How do we celebrate when our hearts are broken?

Where’s the Grinch when you need him?

Hurting for the holidays

Is it okay to hurt during the holidays?

Absolutely.

Here are three big reasons why holidays are super-challenging (and painful) for those who are grieving.

1. Expectations can be set-ups for disappointment and failure.

Expectations are sneaky. They often go unnoticed and unevaluated. They can sabotage your heart.

We all have expectations – unspoken plans and desires roaming around in our heads about how things will go. Expectations often come from the good experiences of the past. We have near perfect moments back there when all seemed right with us and the world. It’s only natural to want that again.

But the world has changed. Someone is missing.

Most disappointment in life comes from unmet expectations. If enough of our hopes are dashed, our heart wounds begin to take over. To protect ourselves, we hunker down and develop a fortress mentality. Doom and gloom become the atmosphere we breathe.

Those around us have expectations of their own, and some of them include us. Our expectations often smack into theirs. Friction occurs, and the results aren’t always pretty.

We’re also continually bombarded by the media-advertising circus whose goal is to redefine and shape our expectations to include their products. This item will make us feel better. That new device will ease our pain. This product will help us forget our losses for a little while. And everyone on our screens looks so happy.

Sigh.

Breathe. Begin to surface your expectations. Evaluate them. What do you want to do? What’s realistic?

Your heart has been hit. Grief is taking up more space. Be kind to yourself.

2. Holidays automatically surface losses.

Holidays remind us of who’s missing. We delight in gathering as families, but we’re also keenly aware of those we’ve lost. Memories can bring both joy and sadness. Anything can trigger grief – anytime, anywhere.

I think of feel-good holiday classics like Miracle on 34^th Street, It’s a Wonderful Life, and White Christmas. The backstories of these films include tragedy, illness, economic disaster, war, death, depression, and the difficulty of aging. Perhaps that’s why they’re classics. They’re realistic. They give us hope. They’re about overcoming our losses. Though life is tough, love and goodness can still win out.

Holidays and grief naturally go together.

3. Holidays are about remembering and overcoming.

Grieving well is about getting through this time in the healthiest way possible. Like those holiday classic movies, many of your special days will be about overcoming. Your goal isn’t to merely survive, but to make holidays work for you in less than ideal circumstances.

You remember. You overcome. You can take yourself seriously, honor your loved one, and still love those around you. With the right tools in your grief toolbox, you can create your own holiday classics, year after year.

Unearth and manage those expectations. Except grief to surface and express itself. Remember. Overcome. This time might be painful, but it can also be good.

Even with my loss, this holiday can still be good. I’ll begin by managing my own and others’ expectations.

Adapted from the Book Excellence Award Finalist, Surviving the Holidays Without You (available in paperback, eBook, and audio). Grab your copy or download a free excerpt today.

Question: What holiday expectations are creating the most stress for you this year? What have you found to be helpful in dealing with them?

Additional resource: Hurting this holiday season? Check out my podcast (episode 512) on Hitched, How to Handle Grief During the Holidays. I think you’ll be encouraged, and also find a few ideas to help during this season.