Life has changed. Loss has invaded. Grief surfaces everywhere. And yet, everyone around us just wants us to get better – fast.
From the Grieving Heart:
I feel like a robot. I’m going through the motions. I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything. Why can’t life just stop for a while?
This is unfair. Even cruel. Everyone expects me to go on as usual, as if I’m doing great and the same person I was before you left.
Ridiculous. I’m not the same. How could I be? If I just went on as before, what would that say about you and our relationship?
You’re important to me, whether you’re here or not. I love you. I miss you. Why can’t the world accept that? Why can’t my own friends and family accept that?
Everyone wants me to feel better. No one wants me to be hurting. But how realistic is that? Expecting me to be “fine” is like expecting a head-on collision to have no effect whatsoever on the cars or people involved.
People aren’t supposed to leave. Yes, we all die. Yes, I know that’s natural. But it’s all wrong somehow. You should be here.
I want you here.
Yes, this is ridiculous.
We wish things were different.
There is much about loss and grief which makes logical sense, but emotionally our hearts have trouble grappling with it. We wish things were different, but in the end we have to deal with what is.
Here are 7 truths every grieving heart can hold on to:
1. Life as we know it has been upended.
We’re wired for relationship and built for connection. Over time, our lives become a web of relationships. When one strand is severed, our entire life-web reverberates with the shock.
2. The loss will dominate our lives for a while.
One person leaves and our whole life shakes. Much like breaking a leg, we become instantly focused on the pain and its source. This is natural.
3. Simple things become complicated.
What once was simple, like walking, has become excruciatingly painful and almost impossible. Routine, everyday life immediately changes into a set of Mount Everest-like challenges.
4. Life becomes weird, surreal.
The rest of the world seems unchanged. Others’ webs have not been struck, and their lives move along as usual. It feels like we’ve been transported to another planet and are being forced to live a different life trying to navigate unruly emotions and unrealistic expectations.
5. There are times when surviving is victory.
We might feel like robots. We go through the motions, doing our best to stay functional. There is so much going on inside us, far more than we can understand, feel, or manage all at once. We’re just surviving. And that’s okay.
6. Grieving (and living) happens one moment at a time.
As much as possible, we take one moment, one thing at a time. There is no going over or around this. We let the grief be what it is. We lean into the wind and take the next small step forward.
7. Accepting ourselves aids greatly in healing.
Being real means giving ourselves permission to grieve – with all the sadness, anger, anxiety, confusion, frustration, guilt, and depression that come with this loss. This is painful. We don’t know what to do or how. Our hearts are broken. We must feel this. We must be real to heal.
We will get through this. We will grieve, one moment, one step at a time.
Affirmation:
I’ll work on accepting myself while grieving, one moment, one step at a time.
Adapted from Comfort for Grieving Hearts: Hope and Encouragement for Times of Loss. To get your copy or to download a free excerpt, click here.
Question: Which one of these seven truths resonates most with you right now?
Additional resource: Heartbroken: Healing from the Loss of a Spouse (Best Book Award Finalist) is now on audio. If you know someone who might benefit, please pass it along!
Thank you for this. I am grieving my son leaving the hospital and going to hospice today. His brother died of the same rare condition last year. It feels like there’s a boulder in my gut and glass in my throat. I can barely see through the tears. I feel completely alone.
Oh Rebeeca. I’m so sorry. Please keep me posted, as you wish or want to. No wonder you feel alone. Please take care of yourself and be very patient with yourself in this. And please reach out here anytime. Praying for you now…
It’s crazy how grief affects us when the loss is our child.
Not natural first of all, we shouldn’t bury our children, rather they, “naturally” should bury us, the parent.
The first two years I cried every day. And during that time I would say 1-4 were in full swing.
It will be 16 years Nov. 25th. I have to admit that what I have come to realize is that my life will NEVER feel the same. My heart will NEVER be whole here in this world.
5-7 Are applicable today, mind you 16 years later… As is #1… I feel as though a part of my heart was torn/separated from me, and until it can be reunited with that piece that left with my daughter, it’s impossible to feel whole.
Although it makes me wonder because to be present with her on the other side, would mean most likely to separate from my son’s and grand-baby?? My only consolation with that particular idea of things, would be knowing that to be absent from this body is to be present with the Lord.(should our life be in order), and we will than see clearly, understand fully, and not know sorrow…??
I don’t know if you can comprehend my thinking? But, it’s all so complex, while in this human flesh.
And I will stop there, and explain that I have been accused of being long winded in my writings, and could go on a long ways… but all I was really attempting to convey, was where each number applied in my personal experience. And I have done that already at this point.
In closing, keep me and my boy’s, (Nikko & Myles), in your prayers.
God Bless,
Elizabeth.
Hi Elizabeth. Thank you for sharing. And I’ll certainly be praying for you and your family. I’m so sorry. Yes, I can follow what you are saying. There is so much pain and loss in this broken world – some of it devastating. And yes, these things change us. We develop holes in our hearts that will not be fully repaired until we are with the Lord. We think we understand, but suffering usually blows that out of the water. There is so little we really understand – and nothing fully. This life is a walk of faith, a life of trust. Trust is easy for us as long as things are comfortable and seem be going according to our plan. When tragedy occurs, however, trust takes on a whole new dimension. Please feel free to email me anytime and talk, vent, share or whatever. I’ll help however I can. And please remember that Jesus is well acquainted with pain, loss, suffering, rejection, and all those awful things we experience. He is your best and closest companion and the ultimate grief expert. Blessings to you, Elizabeth.
You should write a book about dealing with grief after a loved one dies by suicide. The grief is complicated.
Hi Janis. Thank you for commenting. Ironically, that subject is being brought to me more and more lately. You’re right. It’s complicated. Very. Stay tuned! I may be contacting you…
For me right now, Gary, Truths 6 & 7 resonate the most with me. And your affirmation seems to encompass both these truths all rolled into one. So that will be my take-away from today’s post. Thank you for just being there to see us/me through our journey of grief! For me it will be a year, December 17th.
Hi Sandy. Thanks for sharing – and for your encouragement and support. Please be kind to yourself – and patient with yourself – during this time of year. And please feel free to reach out for support when and if you need it. Blessings to you…
#7 Seems to cover it all for me. I still have those days where the last 18 months ago seems like yesterday, and other days acceptance for what is. Each day brings healing, and I remain gentle with myself whatever feelings surface, I deal with it. Like you said there is no getting through or around this grief, but deal with it in whatever form it takes.
Thanks again Gary.
May the blessings be.
Hi Frances. Thank you for sharing. Yes…it does seem like yesterday, doesn’t it? And yes, being gentle with yourself is so important. If we can simply respond well (in healthy ways) to what comes, healing will take place over time. Please continue to be kind to yourself. Blessings to you, Frances.