The following is adapted from the 2018 Book Excellence Award Winner, Teen Grief: Caring for the Grieving Teenage Heart. Grief often comes laden with guilt. You’ll be able to relate, even if you don’t have teens.

 

In times of loss, teens can see themselves as being responsible for things that are beyond their control. They may blame themselves. Maybe you do too. Guilt can be a persistent and painful nuisance.

 

From the Grieving Teen’s Heart

KATIE

I miss you.

I wish I had said more. I wish sometimes I had said less and listened more. If I had said or done the right thing and said or done it enough, maybe you would still be here.

I regret every unkind word and every eye roll. I said things I wish I could take back, or erase somehow. Sometimes I dream I can reach back there and turn things around. 

There is no going back, is there? There is no staying in this moment either. Time moves on, and I must, too. But I don’t know what that means yet. 

I should probably let this go and give myself a break. Honestly though, guilt feels good at times. I feel like I deserve it.

Did I cause this? Is it my fault? My mind screams, “No!” while my heart whispers in shame, “Yes.”

 

JOSH

I missed something. I wasn’t where I should have been. I didn’t say what I should have. I let you down. Now you’re dead, and I’m still alive. Yep, it’s my fault. 

I didn’t say all I should have. I said and did crap that now I can’t take back or erase. There is no delete button here. Undo isn’t on this keyboard. I suck. Period. 

I’m ticked, and it’s right below the surface waiting for a chance to spew all over the place. I feel out-of-control. I drive faster. I take more risks. I feel like starting a fight.

I let this happen. I could have prevented this. It could have been different. You could still be alive. 

But you’re not.  

 

Guilt is common in grief. 

Guilt is a common companion for those experiencing a loss. We look for answers. We analyze ourselves. We evaluate past words and behavior. We imagine what we could have said or done that might have made a difference.

We dig a hole for ourselves, crawl in, and then keep on digging. Someone must be responsible, and it might as well be us.

Teens are already in a vulnerable place and seem naturally prone to guilt. “It’s my fault,” becomes the default internal message when something bad or unpleasant occurs. They could have or should have done something else, been somewhere else, or said something else. It’s their fault.

Guilt naturally leads to anger. That anger can be focused outward, inward, or both. If guilt sinks its talons in deep enough, it can greatly complicate and hinder recovery, adjustment, and healing.

 

You can make a difference

What can you do?

First, know that guilt is a frequent guest in teenage hearts (and perhaps yours), even when there has not been a loss.

Guilt’s voice is familiar. If teens have had enough experience with this invader, they can easily confuse guilt’s voice with their own.

The same is true of us. Some of us are very well acquainted with guilt. For some, feeling responsible for everything – and therefore guilty when something bad happens – is as natural as breathing.

Second, be aware that most teens (and perhaps you) feel responsible and guilty, even if they say they don’t.

The proof is often in their attitudes and actions. Are they punishing themselves somehow?

Are they…

• …more irritable and angry?
• …eating noticeably more or less?
• …neglecting personal hygiene?
• …refusing to have fun or enjoy what they used to?
• …seeking danger or behaving recklessly?
• …harming themselves physically (hitting, pinching, cutting)?
• …having morbid thoughts of death, including suicide?

“You’re dead. I feel guilty. It’s my fault,” the teen heart reasons.

Perhaps some of these things are true about us too. Grieving hearts often encounter guilt. Even if we don’t acknowledge it, the fact that we feel guilty will show itself in our lives, behavior, and relationships.

Third, be aware of and deal with your own internal reservoir of guilt.

Look to your own heart. How have you dealt with guilt in your own life? Is there still work to be done in this area? Are there amends you can make? Do you need to forgive yourself?

Dealing responsibly with guilt is a wonderful gift we can give to ourselves, family, friends, and all the teens around us.

In times of loss, many teens feel responsible. Guilt is common, but it is not their friend.

 

Question: Has guilt been a part of your grief process? What do you tend to feel guilty about?

Additional Resource: If you struggle with guilt, most likely anxiety is in the mix too. How you deal with it matters. Check out The 5 Step Anti-Anxiety Prescription on Wellness.com. Anxiety is a massive issue. Please consider sharing this article with those you know and care about.