“This is weird. Everything is different, but it all looks the same. It’s like living in some kind of alternate universe,” Craig shared. “But then I walk into Matthew’s room and the nightmare becomes real all over again.”
Craig’s son Matthew contracted spinal meningitis and died within a matter of days over the Christmas holidays. He was 13.
Like many losses, Matthew’s illness and death came out of nowhere. The shock was immense.
The shock waves soon hit Matthew’s friends and classmates. Practically the entire school was at the funeral. Most were stunned and silent. There was simply nothing to say that could make much of a difference.
“Surreal. I guess that’s what you would call it. Nothing seems real,” Craig concluded.
For weeks, Matthew’s family lived in the stunned silence of the surreal. Matthew’s absence was palpable. Everything felt weird, and wrong.
Living in an alternate universe
When loss strikes, our world changes. This is stunning and confusing. The world around us moves on as if nothing happened, leaving us shocked, even paralyzed.
Here are 5 important truths about grief to remember, especially soon after a death or tragedy occurs.
1. Your life has been altered.
When your life is struck by loss, your world changes immediately. Of course, you don’t experience all the changes at once. You experience them over the days, months, and even years that follow. This creates a “disconnect” between you and the world at large. Your world is different.
2. You have a new, huge hole in your heart.
Your heart has been hit. Someone has departed and left a void inside you.
3. Your heart can’t accept their absence yet.
You know your loved one is gone, but part of you hasn’t accepted that yet. You don’t want to accept it, or perhaps you just can’t.
4. The world can seem empty now.
Your world has cracked wide open, but you don’t know what this fully means. The whole world can seem empty because your loved one is no longer in it.
5. Everything might seem weird for a while.
Everything seems to have changed. Your heart is struggling to take this in and adjust to it somehow. You boomerang back to denial over and over again. This just can’t be real.
Be patient with yourself. The grieving process is not a sprint. Take your time. Feel the grief as it comes. Take your heart seriously. Accept yourself where you are.
“Everything is weird now. You’re not here anymore, and I don’t want that to be real.”
Adapted from the award-winning bestseller SHATTERED: Surviving the Loss of a Child. View the Shattered videos here: Gary, Michelle
Question: In what way have things been surreal or weird for you since your loss?
I purchased your book Shattered and I for once felt like maybe someone knew how I feel. My son died December 7th and from that day on I cannot ever remember not feeling hopelessly lost and so, so alone even though people try to help. I find it hard that the entire world is going on like everything is great and all I want to do is stop everything and everyone and tell my son is gone, he will never ever come back, nothing can make me feel better and I don’t want people asking me if I am better now or if it’s easier now, I am not better and it never ever will be. Do not tell me you know how I feel, you do not. I so want him back. Just to hold him one last time and tell him I will take care of him and everything will be alright. I still text him in hopes he will respond though I know better. I listen to his voice mail to hear his voice. I read his e-mails to me. I have taken your advice to find a safe person and that has helped me. The people that I have chosen as safe people were honored to.
Hi Deb. Thanks for sharing. I’m so sorry about your son. Ugh. How awful, and traumatic. I’m so proud of you to taking your heart seriously, seeking support, finding safe people, etc. Way to go! Your son would be proud of you too! We’ll keep remembering them, speaking their names, telling their stories, and honoring them any way we can. If I can ever encourage you in any way, please let me know. Thanks again. Blessings to you, Deb.
I, too, live in that alternate universe since my 34yo Police Officer son was murdered in the line of duty. As if that’s not enough, his precious 13 yo daughter died suddenly of undiagnosed heart disease 6mos later. I was just as close to her as my own child.I think she died of grief as she totally shut down when her Dad was murdered.Now we have trials of thugs to go through and even a dash cam video of my son being shot. He was a very good man and my faith as suffered from these deaths.
Hi Mary. Oh no. I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine what this must be like for you. No wonder you feel as you do – and no wonder your faith has suffered as a result. Losses like this bring all kinds of deep things into question. Please be kind to yourself and patient with yourself. Work through the grief as best you – one moment at a time. Please feel free to reach out here and share, vent, ask questions, or whatever. You are not alone.
Since the loss of my daughter in 2013, I find I have 2 lives. “Before” Shannon’s death and “after” Shannon’s death. I so don’t like living the “after” and it saddens me that it is impossible to make more memories for “before.” It is a breach in time that cannot be bridged. Even after 5 years, grief still haunts me but I have learned that I must try to enjoy this “after” to keep sane, even if it is only a few minutes of joy, it’s worth it.
Hi Nancy. Thanks for sharing this. I’m so sorry about Shannon. Yes, before and after -what a great, and accurate way to put it. Two lives. Yes. All of life changes. We live in a different world, haunted at times by the memories of our past life. Ugh. And yes, learning to enjoy the after is, well, massive – and it takes time and a lot of work. Thank you for taking your own heart seriously. Well done.
This is so me, losing my momma 2 years ago and i feel so disconnected from everything. I just can’t seem to get it together and even though it has been 2 years it seems like just a month has gone by. I sure hope and pray this feeling is not permanent.
Hi Kathy. Thank for you for sharing this. I’m so sorry about your mom. Grief has no time limit, especially when the loss is this close. On some level, you will always miss her and always grieve – but as you grieve, the grief will change over time. Please keep being patient with yourself. And feel free to reach out here any time.
Gary Roe, you are superb at pulling my feelings out and putting them into words with the loss of my daughter. Its been 2 yrs and I am still at such a loss.
Hi Sandy. I’m so sorry about your daughter. Grief certainly has no time limit. She’s your child, and always will be. No wonder you feel as you do. Please be very kind to yourself. Shattered hearts need a lot of love and reassurance. Thank you for sharing, and please feel free to reach out here any time.
It will be 5 years in March since we lost Stephen in a car accident. I still can’t touch his room, except to clean it. His dad sleeps in his bed. I can’t even think of clearing out his room, and what would I do with his stuff. He was a talented artist, photographer and student, skateboarder, snowboarder. He has a lot of stuff. I gave away some of his clothes and hats to his friends and I keep the rest for his brother. But that’s HIS stuff. I can’t get rid of it. He was only 22. Watching his friends move into successful careers, get married, have kids, seems surreal.
Most days I think I’m doing ok, but then there’s the room…..
Hi Diane. I’m so sorry about your son. Ugh. How devastating. And yes, the triggers are everywhere, and a big one can be his room – and all that’s in it. Please take your time, and be patient with yourself. As you continue to grieve and take your heart seriously, some things will change over time. But that’s in the future. Now, just grieve. One day, one moment, one instance at a time. I’m so sorry. Thank you for sharing, and please feel free to do so any time. Blessings to you and your family…
We lost our two daughters a little over two years apart. Both passed away from a condition born with at birth. Allie was 18 and Makenzie 19. They were both full of life but their physical bodies could not support them. Mostly it’s the emptiness and loneliness from there absence. Even though we know they are in a better place and are not suffering the pain of losing them never goes away. Grief is multidimensional and it is a part of our lives now. We just continue on the journey and continue to live the way our girls would have wanted.
HI Dianne. I’m so sorry Allie and Makenzie. No wonder you feel empty and lonely. Things can be so quiet. So quiet. The absence is deafening. I’m so glad you’re honoring them in the way you live. Way to go. Make that grief count. Love them every day. Your grief honors them. If there’s any way I can help, please let me know. Thank you for sharing. Blessings to you…
It’s been 13 years since my 14 year old son died. I don’t know why but I didn’t expect the surrealness to last this long. It recently occurred to me one morning that I don’t feel like me with him gone and it’s hard to imagine now that I ever will. Life still has that surreal quality for me. It’s still hard for me to believe he was here one moment and gone the next. The range of emotions is unreal.
Hi Cheryl. Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry about your son. Yes, that surreal feeling can be here to stay – it’s hard to know, because we live in a different world now. Every where we look and go, we’re confronted with their absence. Please be patient with yourself, and shout out here if there’s ever anything I can do for you. Be kind to yourself.
It’s the same feeling with the loss of a spouse. You wake up in the morning and you don’t want this huge hole in your heart, in your world to be real. People think you can just easily start filling it up with other activities and relationships. That just isn’t how it works. The loss is so tremendous.
Hi Mary. Well said. That hole is reserved for our loved one. I’m so sorry. Yes, the loss is staggering. If I can help, please give me a shout. Thank you for sharing.
I’ve now been a widow for almost 6 years & doing things by myself or having to ask others for help has been the hardest part of this journey. Barry, my husband for 35 years did everything at home & for others. He was a “jack of all trades”! I miss him so much, but he taught me so well. I’ve had to learn to depend on the Lord more everyday for the strength to just get up. Barry left this world & my life too soon & very suddenly. I never got yo say good bye except for the last day I saw him. He was in Alaska on a mission trip when he passed from this world to the arms of our Heavenly Father. I know I’ll see him again some day soon but it doesn’t stop the grief waves that come from out of the blue. So I definitely know grief. Thank you for all of your emails & books. They have helped more than you’ll know.
God bless you & your ministry
In Christ’s Love,
Mary Jane
Hi Mary Jane. I’m so sorry about Barry. Thank you for sharing him with us. He sounds like a wonderful, faithful, and loving man. What a terrible loss. And yes, the waves of grief just keep coming. Please take good care of yourself, and keep leaning hard into the best grief expert and companion ever – the Lord Himself. God bless you too.
The three paragraphs under the heading “Living in an alternate universe” in your email totally explain how I feel….my 19 year old daughter died very unexpectedly in her sleep from SUDEP almost four years ago. My friends and even some family act as though I should “be over it” by now. When they ask how I’m doing and I say “hanging in there” instead of “good” or “great”, etc….they look at me as if they don’t understand why I’m not happy. Those who have not experienced it do not seem to get it that I’m changed forever. Reading your emails helps me to realize I’m not alone in this journey.
Hi Tracy. I’m so sorry about your daughter. Ugh. What a massive, terrible loss. And you’re right – others won’t get it. Yes, everything is different. The world is different. You’re different. And you are definitely not alone. None of us knows exactly how you feel, but we can walk this rocky grief road together. Please reach out any time, Tracy.
thank you for writing that explanation, itswhat I feel after the loss of my 31yr old daughter tosuicidebut oukdnt our to words , “it doesn’t seem real and I don’t want it to be… “
Rhonda, I’m so sorry about your daughter. What a tragic loss. No, we don’t want it to be real – not at all. We never will. We just have to somehow love them by loving ourselves and grieving as well as possible. Please be kind to yourself. Please reach out here any time you need or want to. You are not alone, Rhonda.