Grieving hearts often feel misunderstood, or worse. To say this can be frustrating is a gross understatement.

Several years ago, people came to me and said, “Could you please write a book that we can give to other people to help them understand what we’re going through? And while you’re at it, help us understand ourselves too!”

The result was Please Be Patient, I’m Grieving: How to Care for and Support the Grieving Heart. Here is a small, adapted excerpt from this Best Book Award Finalist. After reading it, perhaps there’s someone you would like to send it to.

 

A Month to Grieve? Really?

“People expected me to be better after a week. Seriously? I may never be better, and I’ll never be the same,” Paul said.

Grief is deeply personal. What others say and do greatly impacts the heart and life of the grieving person. You can make a difference by being a safe person who has learned what to say and not say, what to do and not do.

 

From the Grieving Heart…

How long is this going to take? No matter how much time passes, it still seems like yesterday. 

I’ve heard grief has no timetable. Honestly, I wonder if it will ever end.

Please don’t tell me to get over it. I can’t.  

Don’t tell me I need to move on. If moving on means leaving them behind, forget it.

Don’t tell me they’re in a better place. Yes, but I miss them and want them here, now.

Don’t try to fix it or make me feel better. There is no fixing this.

Don’t be afraid to speak their name and talk about them. Ask me about them. Please.

Don’t push me into decision-making. I’m drained and emotional. I’ve had enough change for a while.

Time doesn’t heal all wounds, but healing does take time.

How much? I don’t know.  

So forgive me if I’m unpredictable and emotional. I’m trying to live with this loss – somehow. 

Please be patient with me. I’m grieving. 

 

Grief is personal

Grief is deeply personal. It’s different for each person and each loss.

Your grieving friend or relative is unique. Their grief – how they view and handle this particular loss – is unique as well.

Although some will go back to their routine after a short period of sadness, those deeply touched by the loss will not. Their routine is gone. It shocks and even angers them that others expect them to be better quickly.

One of the best things you can do for them is to be a safe person.

 

Being a safe person

What exactly is a safe person? Here are 7 basic characteristics.

A safe person:

1. Doesn’t evaluate, judge, or belittle.
2. Doesn’t try to fix the person or the situation.
3. Doesn’t make it about themselves, their past losses, and how they grieve. 
4. Accepts the grieving person as they are.
5. Knows the greatest gift they can give is their presence.
6. Listens to the griever’s heart, not just their words.
7. Has no agenda except to love the hurting person in the midst of their pain.

Safe people can hard to find, but you can be one. And this could make all the difference, not just to your friend, but to you as well.

Don’t worry about what to say. Again, your presence is the most powerful gift you can offer. 

Be a safe person. Be salve to their wounded heart. Not only will you make more of a difference than you thought possible, you will also grow in ways you never imagined.

“No matter how many times the pain strikes, I’ll be here. I’ll strive to be a safe and trustworthy companion.”

 

Adapted from the award-winning bestseller Please Be Patient, I’m Grieving: How to Care For and Support the Grieving Heart.

Question: Do you have some safe people involved in your life? What kind of impact have they had on your grief journey?

Additional resource: Check out my article on Thrive Global, 5 People You Will Attract in Grief. Chances are, you’ve met all these people at some point. If you find it helpful, please pass it on. Together, we can reach and help more grieving hearts.