We’re made for relationship. No wonder loss hurts. It crushes our hearts.
As a hospice chaplain, I believe one of our greatest fears is feeling alone, left behind, or abandoned. I’ve felt it myself, and I’ve heard it from the hearts of hundreds of others.
Steven’s story comes to mind.
A visit with Steven
A gentle breeze stirred the leaves around our feet as we sat in a couple of lawn chairs under an old oak tree in front of the nursing facility.
“I’ve taken life for granted. I’m scared,” he said.
Steven began to shake. He bowed his head and sobbed.
“Please don’t abandon me. I’m terrified of being alone,” he said.
Steven was a bachelor in his early fifties. He was an only child and was extremely close to his parents. His dad was a handyman and taught his son everything he knew. As a result, Steven was great with his hands and could fix almost anything. When he was seventeen, Steven landed a job as an auto mechanic. His boss was so impressed that soon Steven was the go-to guy for every difficult diagnostic and repair.
One evening, his parents were coming home from a movie and were sideswiped by a semi-truck. Both were killed instantly. At nineteen, Steven was suddenly alone.
Steven’s boss and co-workers rallied around him, but depression set in. He worked, went home to the same house he grew up in, ate dinner alone, and drank himself to sleep. This was his routine for three decades.
One morning, Steven collapsed on the kitchen floor. Several weeks later, he was in a nursing home with stage-four liver cancer.
Feeling alone and abandoned is a terrible thing.
Grief can be terribly lonely
Grief can isolate us. Our world has stopped, but everything else surges on as usual, oblivious to our pain. We’re stunned. We move in a fog. People we counted on drift away. Some say they understand, but we know they don’t. We feel misunderstood, cast aside, and left behind.
Grief comes packed with loneliness.
We must not let an insensitive world ravage our hearts. We can’t afford to let feelings of isolation rule the day. We must set another course.
How do we do that?
Here are 7 quick tips for managing grief loneliness:
- Find a healthy balance of time alone and time with others.
- Get around people who know grief. They can relate and walk with us.
- Find healthy ways to express emotion: cry, journal, paint, exercise, meditate, talk, etc.
- Take care of ourselves: hydrate, eat well, sleep, exercise, etc.
- Release our usual expectations – of ourselves, others, and the world around us.
- Forgive ourselves and others. Guilt, or bitterness, can eat us alive otherwise.
- Limit our exposure to people and influences that are not helpful to us right now.
After a few weeks, Steven found the peace he needed. He would feel alone at times, but he learned that others were with him in this journey. Grief can be lonely, but we can still walk this road together.
Question: Have you felt alone in your grief journey? What has helped you deal with the loneliness?
Additional resource: People will make all the difference in your grief process, one way or another. Check out my article on Dr. Laura, 5 Important People You Will Attract in Grief. Get around people who are helpful to you!
I lost my Dad 4 years ago. My Mom has been living with me since. I am 62, single and retired. My sister and her family live a distance from me. I am so afraid of losing my Mom, she is 84 and not in the best of health, therefore, I am her caregiver. I do have friends and they do understand the situation. I have actually sent myself in to severe anxiety and panic and walk on egg shells every day. I am being told this is natural, but the fear has become overwhelming. I have several of your books but can’t seem to get thru them……
Hi Vicki. Thanks for sharing this. I’m so sorry about your dad, and no about your mom. Caregiving is a wonderful labor of love – and it is a “labor” – exhausting. It sounds like you’re anticipating the loss. And perhaps there is a lot of caregiver anxiety built in here too. Yes, natural. Please consider practicing breathing deeply, especially when you’re not anxious. As you practice this, you’ll be able to use it when needed. Overwhelmed would be a natural feeling with all this going. Please do what you can to take care of yourself. Pace yourself, if possible. Do you have anyone safe – trustworthy, and who will listen – that you can share with? Please feel free to share here anytime.
I have felt very alone in this journey. I lost my husband in April 2016. When the numbness wore off, I found that keeping a journal helped me so much. Reading Gary’s book “Heartbroken” became my bible for dealing with all the ups and downs of grieving. I found a safe person who by the grace of God kept me going. I also attended a support group that helped me so much because they understand where I’m at. My only child passed away in May of this year and now I feel that I am back to square one. People just aren’t there now to help me to get through the pain .
Hi Linda. Thank you for sharing. Oh my. I’m so sorry. Two such massive, huge losses. Both of these losses change everything. No wonder you feel as you do. Have you heard of the Compassionate Friends? Please check them out online. They are a wonderful organization for those who have lost children – no matter how or how old. And please be kind to yourself. I’m here if I can help. Blessings to you, Linda.
Gary,
Can you please send me the free ebook? I look forward to reading what you write. I lost my son six years ago and my family is broken. I need all the help I can get.
This is a very lonely journey….
Hi Brenda. Thank you for sharing. I’m so, so sorry about your son. Yes, that loss “breaks” hearts. With regard to the eBook, simply plug in your email address in the appropriate box, and it should come to you automatically. You might also want to check out a free excerpt of my book, Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child. You can download a free portion from my website. Just look for “Shattered” under the “Books” tab. Please, please feel free to share here anytime. You are not alone, Brenda.
Thank you Gary for another great article. Since I am relatively new to your website, do you have any resources that speak directly to the loss incurred through the senseless acts of violence? My son was killed by a hit and run driver and our family not only has to deal with the grief of losing the light of all our lives, but we also have to deal with the criminal justice system, which adds another layer to the grieving process. We live in an ever-increasing violent world with more and more people having to deal with the heart wrenching aftermath of loss from senseless acts that will never make any kind of sense to us. This grief is worse in some ways than losing my husband to cancer ten years ago because of the complications of our justice system. Thank you – Bonnie
Hi Bonnie. Thakn you for sharing this. I’m so sorry about your son – and about your husband. Ugh. And yes, that scenario is complicated, and can drag on and on. I don’t have anything specifically about that, but there are some similar stories in Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child. You’re right – this death is traumatic, unjust, and unfair. And that’s putting it mildly. Again, I’m so sorry. Please be kind to yourself in this, and feel free to email me anytime. I’ll help any way I can.
#2 & #4 are very difficult for me. I live in mostly #7.
Hi Barb. Thanks for sharing this. #7 is a pretty yucky place to be, but you know that already! I still hope for some good, solid, safe people to emerge in your life. I’m still praying for that – and other things for you too. Peace. Comfort. Purpose. Healing – whatever that might mean in your heart. Please keep being as kind to yourself as you know how.
My son Brendon, was killed 7/30/2015 in an accident caused by a suicidal driver.
There sure aren’t any manuals for handling grief, especially for losing a child. He was 30, father of 3, but he will always be my baby.
Journal, journal, journaling is my go to. Our culture doesn’t handle grief well. Especially a parent’s. We are their walking nightmare.
Days I feel isolated and alone and can’t put the words out there, my journal waits.
And as you said, I have had to release some of my expectations of people. Be forgiving in my thoughts. Doesn’t seem fair, when we are the ones suffering and have to find energy we don’t have to be understanding with family and friends that haven’t walked this road. But we do it for ourselves and our own peace of mind
Hi Cindy. Thanks for sharing this, and for sharing Brendon with us. I’m so sorry. How awful, tragic, and painful. I’m so glad you journal. That’s huge. You’re right. We don’t handle grief well – at all. If you haven’t already, please consider downloading a free portion of my book, Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child. Just go to my website, and click on the “Books” tab. Perhaps something in there will be helpful, encouraging, and comforting. Also, the Compassionate Friends are a wonderful organization for those who have lost children – no matter what are or how. Perhaps they can be some good support for you. And please, feel free to email me anytime. I’m here to help, if I can. Blessings to you, Cindy.
This article is very true. I felt alone last evening. I started crying as I’m missing my husband so much. Even more now with the holidays approaching. The pain seems so hard to bear.
November 28, 2018 will be four years since my husband passed away but it feels like yesterday. we were married for 44 years. He was my best friend and soul mate.
I feel as though I am being pushed through my grief. I will never be the same person.
My family wants me to feel better but they just don’t understand. It is better for them if I feel better. I feel that it takes time. Thank you for sharing this information.
Hi Janet. Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry about your husband. Yes, there’s no time limit on grief for a loss like this. This loss changes everything. Please keep being kind to yourself, and patient with yourself. Reach out here when you need and want to. You are not alone. Blessings to you, Janet.
I take no comfort in being around other people. The only one I care about is gone forever. I would be going to football games, watching be all excited to watch game day and just hearing the excitement on the weekends. No one can take his place and I don’t want to be here anymore as what I had is gone forever
Hi Donna. I’m so sorry. If there’s anyway I can help, please let me know. Please know that you are not alone on this road. Breathe deeply, and be kind to yourself. Thank you for sharing, and please do so anytime. Blessings to you today…