“Christmas? Thanksgiving was an emotional nightmare. Can’t we just skip it this year? Where’s the Grinch when you need him?” Glenn asked.
“I’m planning on hiding. I know it won’t work, but I don’t know what else to do,” Connie added.
Glenn and Connie’s daughter Skylar grew up into a beautiful and rugged young lady. Her two brothers proudly took credit for the rugged part. Together they loved hunting, fishing, and the outdoors.
One summer vacation, the family camped at a gorgeous spot next to a river. Early one morning, during a tubing excursion down the river, Skylar’s younger brother fell in and went under. Without hesitation, she went after him. As she tugged him to safety, Skylar was knocked unconscious. She slipped away quickly, as her brothers watched in horror. She was 15.
“She’s our hero. How do we do Christmas, or any holiday for that matter, without her?” Glenn asked.
Holidays can be tough
Thanksgiving. Christmas. New Year’s. Valentines. Memorial Day. July 4. Labor Day. These are the times when families gather to enjoy one another and celebrate. For those of us enduring loss, these days are often devoured by the absence of our loved one.
Holidays are tough. They surface our losses in ways nothing else can. Reminders are everywhere. We bump into a memory with every step.
What do we do with this? Some of us opt for hiding. We emotionally, and sometimes physically, lock ourselves in, hunker down, and wait for the present storm to pass. The sheer dread of the assault of memories can be paralyzing.
Yet, the holiday comes. Is it possible to meet it and somehow use it to honor our loved one and express our grief in a healthy way?
Here are some examples:
- Have everyone bring a card that reminds them of your loved one. Pass around the cards and read them out loud. Invite people to share memories.
- Light a candle in remembrance.
- Enlarge a picture of your them. Provide markers and have family members or friends write messages on the picture. Display it during the holiday.
- Prepare one of their favorite dishes and include it in the holiday meal.
- Do something completely new, like take a trip somewhere you’ve never been, and honor them in some way during your time together as a family.
The key is being creative and proactive. We need a plan – even a simple one. In fact, simple is probably best.
Many are concerned activities like these will be too emotional and infuse the holidays with sadness. The truth is, things are already emotional. When families get together, everyone is hyper-aware of who’s missing. Having a plan to honor our loved one gives families an opportunity to share and grieve together in a healthy way.
Yes, it will be emotional, but that’s doesn’t mean it can’t be good.
The holiday will come. Be proactive. Be creative. Make a plan. Keep it simple.
We don’t have to let the holidays crush us. Rather, with a little proactive decision-making we can use this time to express our grief in a healthy manner, honor our loved one, and love those around us.
“Holidays come throughout the year. I will meet them head-on, and use them to honor you.”
Adapted from the Amazon bestseller and 2017 USA Best Book Award Finalist, Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child.
Question: Do you have a simple plan for honoring your loved one this holiday? Would you be willing to share it briefly?
This will be the second year my husband will not be with us as we celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve as a family. I had hoped the second year would be easier but it is still very difficult not having him there.
Hi Arlene. Thanks for sharing. Yes, that second year can be so hard – even more difficult than the first in some ways. Grief changes over time. It can be so heavy. I’m so sorry. Please be patient with yourself. Blessings to you…
This is the second year without my husband joining us as we gather to celebrate our Christmas Eve dinner. I thought it would be easier this year, but not having him there with us is still difficult.
This will be my first Chistmas without my husband to honor his memory I am handing out blue butterflies for everyone to put on their Christmas trees
Hi Sheila. Wonderful! What a great idea. I’m proud of you. And I’m so sorry about your husband. Take your own heart seriously this season. It will be a different sort of Christmas. And feel free to reach out here any time. Blessings to you, Sheila.
Every year we hang his stocking and encourage family to stuff it with messages to him. Over the years, there are many messages of love it keeps him present with us.
Hi Holly. That’s terrific. Way to go! I like it! Thank you for sharing this, and keep up the good “remembering.” Your love for him is so evident. Blessings to you, Holly.
I dont want to do anything for the hoildays. Lost my 24 yr old son july 29 to a tragic accident. His wife jumped from a moving truck he was driving and caused him to wreck. So no Christmas this year for me. My one and only baby i raised by myself gone. I just cant accept and cant forgive. Im scared of life without. He was my rock my heart. I miss him so much. Thank you for letting me share.
Hi Joni. I’m so sorry about your son. With a loss like that, it would be hard to even think about celebrating anything, or even saying the word “holiday.” Please keep taking your heart seriously – this is a tough, tough journey. And please reach out if I can ever help somehow. Thank you for sharing, and please feel free to do so any time. Blessings to you, Joni.