When grief and the holidays meet, the results are often not pretty.
I had my first auto accident when I was 16. It was raining, and I took a curve too fast. I spun out of control, popped up the curb, and slammed head-on into a tree. The impact whipped me around, smashing the rear of the vehicle into another tree. I remember a hissing sound and steam pouring out of from under the hood. My door jammed, so I managed to slither out a half-open window. As I stood up, I discovered I was shaking. My 1966 Chevy Nova resembled a gnarled, red metal accordion. I felt dizzy. I took a deep breath, blinked, and slid to the ground. I had no idea how lucky I was.
Hitting an immovable object at any speed is not a pleasant experience. Some collisions are minor. Other are devastating.
A collision is coming
The calendar is littered with immovable objects – dates that get our attention, such as anniversaries and birthdays. Thanksgiving and Christmas sit there in big, bold letters. The season looms before us like a forest of Sequoias, and we’re getting closer every day. There’s going to be a collision.
I work as a chaplain and grief specialist for Hospice Brazos Valley in central Texas. As part of my grief ministry, I write resources for those who are hurting and trying to make some sense of their wounds and losses. On Sundays, I pastor a small, rural church about 20 minutes from my home. Just over a week ago, at another rural church 140 miles away (which is practically down the street when you live in Texas), a gunman clad in tactical gear walked in and shot almost everyone present, killing over two dozen, taking special pains to eliminate the children.
Shocking. Heinous. Unthinkable. Devastating. There are simply no words for such a thing.
The holidays are coming to Sutherland Springs, Texas, as they are to all of us. The collision between grief and these immovable spaces on the calendar will be significant.
How will Sutherland Springs survive this? How will we?
Can we do better than merely survive? How do we grieve well, and somehow not let our grief define us? Can we brace for this collision? How?
Dealing with the collision
One thing to remember is that the collision has essentially already taken place. The loss has already occurred. Our loved ones are gone. Our Chevy Nova is totaled. We sit on the ground, shaking, feeling the repercussions. We’re stunned. When our minds return, we wonder what’s next, and how in the world we will handle it. What will life be like now? Who will we be in this new world we find ourselves in?
“Happy Holidays?” Sounds ridiculous, like some emotional oxymoron. “Happy?” What is that?
The great collision has occurred. Our hearts have been hit. Our worlds have cracked. Our futures have been altered, perhaps forcibly. Thanksgiving and Christmas? How do we do this?
We love. That’s what we do.
We loved, therefore we grieve. We love, therefore we continue to grieve. As we mourn, we remember.
We speak their names, as often as possible. We tell their stories to anyone who will listen. We live their legacies. We seek to honor their memory in our thoughts, words, and actions.
We love them, and so we remember. We will not, and cannot, forget. And as we remember, we give thanks for them. We love them, so we celebrate – not so much with lights, window dressing, and holiday hoopla, but with wounded, appreciative hearts.
Our grief is deeply personal. Our loss is unique because our loved ones were one-of-a-kind. Our relationships were special. Others can relate and perhaps empathize, but our hearts and our grief are our own – ours alone.
Special. Lonely. A contradiction of love.
This season, we live the contradiction. We grieve because we love. Love endures. It always will.
We speak their names. We tell their stories. We live their legacies. We remember and honor them.
We will live, and be difference-makers that they would be proud of.
We will give thanks.
Question: As you think about your loved one, is there something you are particularly thankful for?
Thank you for the helpful article on grief at the holidays. My 34 yr old son passed Christmas Day 2012 after a 15 month battle to live. He was strong willed and wanted to live. But God chose to take him home to Heaven. I am looking forward to seeing that “baby” face son of mine when God calls my name!!
I’m so sorry about your son. How heartbreaking. I too am looking forward to that grand reunion yet to come. It will be a great day…whenever it happens. Thank you for sharing. Blessings to you…
I lost Bill two weeks ago on Thanksgiving Day very suddenly and unexpectedly. He suffered a catastrophic stroke, after recovering from two of them in the past 7 years. We were married 51 years. I feel so lucky to have had him all that time, but also angry because he had worked so hard and made such great strides to recover. I miss him every second of the day. My family all want me to spend the holidays with them. I don’t think I can do it.
Hi Jan. Oh my. I’m so sorry about Bill. And so recent, and sudden. Please be very kind to yourself this season, and do what you want to do. At present, I would imagine that your heart is so broken that you can hardly think about doing anything, much less going anywhere. And the word “holiday” or “Christmas” might have a very different sound to it this year. Please be patient with yourself, and reach out here any time. This hurts. I’m so sorry.
Hi Gary – My name is Diane. I am a 57 year old woman and an only child. Sadly, I never found the right person, so I never married or had children. I am came from a relatively small family, But, we were all “Very Close” and each of them – “I LOVED AND CARED ABOUT — DEEPLY”!! I was – Always – especially close – to my parents – especially, My Mother.. She was on kidney dialysis for 9 years, and, she died, when I was 21.. In the 20 years that followed, my Father and, went to *16*,, funerals.. I lost ALL** of my immediate and extended family! Then 3 years ago, 4 days before Christmas, I lost My Beloved Father..*** Now, I am “COMPLETELY — ALONE”… Life — Is SO,,, INCREDIBLY **PAINFUL**!!!! Being Without ALL** The people “I LOVED — SO DEEPLY, ( And – Now,,, – My Father)… The Holidays,,, ARE **JUST “”TOO PAINFUL *** TO BEAR!!!!! I just Don’t Know – HOW???? TO GET THROUGHT THIS!!!!!!
Hi Diane. I’m so sorry. What a long string of losses. And when that second parent dies, something happens to our hearts. Until that moment, we’ve never known a single second without having a living parent. We feel orphaned, no matter how old we are. And that can be hard, even devastating. Is there anyone where you are that you can share with freely, without fear of judgment? And no wonder you don’t know how to get through this -you’ve never been here before. This is uncharted territory. Please reach out there any time. Please don’t try to go it alone, even though you feel alone. There are many of us in this valley of grief, and we can walk together.
Thank you Gary, this is very helpful and soothing. Mom’s been gone almost two months. I loved her dressing at Thanksgiving. I will make it. I already know it won’t taste the same but I’m gonna do it anyway.
Hi Kathy. Thanks for sharing. Good for you. Make it anyway. The grief will come, and that’s okay and good. You have great courage! Blessings to you…
Thank you. Your perspective and
prep are always good reminders for me.
Hi Kathy. Thanks for your encouragement. Glad to help. We’re in this together!
I am so thankful that we had 45 1/2 years together & that we were very much in love. I’m thankful that Gary loved me completely & unconditionally. I’m thankful that I knew that kind of love.
Hi Nita. What a wonderful thing to be thankful for. Yes. yes, indeed. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for your site ,especially during this difficult time of year.
My husband passed in July of 2016. I am thankful for the hero that he was too me . I could tell you so much about his beautiful heart . I miss him so much that I ache.
Hi Debbie. A hero with a beautiful heart. What a wonderful description. Thank you for sharing, and blessing to you, Debbie.
Dear Debbie,
My beloved husband also passed in July 2016, on the 18th, so we’re about in the same time frame. Hardly seems possible, and I still can’t believe he’s gone. It seems like I am frozen in time, and the events surrounding his passing just swirl around my head & heart like a nightmare I can’t wake up from. Hardly seems like this is well into the 2nd year already – seems like it just happened last month.
Please accept my condolences for your loss – sounds like we both had magnificent husbands, ones that truly cared about us, and always looked out for us, and protected us. May God help & comfort you, and all of us here, with broken hearts that only seem to get heavier during holiday times.
Hi Karen. Thank you for sharing, and for caring for others. Something happens as we share our grief together. Thank you for being willing to do that. And yes, it seems just like yesterday. If I can support you in any way these holidays, please give me a shout.
Wonderful article Gary! Your words express the exact feelings that many have at those special calendar dates.
Thank you!
Hi Deirdre. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. Made my day! Thanks for sharing, and I’m glad we’re in this together.
I am thankful for the time I had with my son and daughter,30 years and 17 years, respectively, and also that they knew how much I loved them.
Hi Janice. Love is powerful isn’t it – especially a mother’s love. Thank you for sharing.
Gary, your messages always touch me in a special way. I lost my husband to brain cancer 6 years ago now. Shortly after that, I took over caregiving for my aged parents. They lived together in a nursing home for about 3 years before Mama died, followed in a few months by Daddy. They were married for almost 70 years! They both had their minds intact when they died. I was with my husband when he died and with both parents as they left this world. As familiar as I am with loss and loneliness now, the holidays are always hard. I meet regularly with a couple of other widows, but it seems my role is to help them, not rely on them.
Thank you, always, for the unique and timely way you minister to those of us who grieve.
Hi Aleta. Thank you for your encouragement, and for sharing this. You are right – holidays are hard, and how well we are acquainted with loss doesn’t necessarily help. The losses pile up over time. And thank you for reaching out to others. I know that you are a blessing to them. Keep be kind to yourself. Blessings to you, Aleta.
My precious husband was taken away suddenly, without warning, last July 18, 2016 from diverticulitis that developed into septic shock. He was a young at heart 70, first year Baby Boomer. His was a larger than life personality and he lit up the room – wherever he went. When you saw him, you just knew you were in for a good time, because of his impossibly funny sense of humor, and razor sharp wit. He was a contented and happy man, but his personality was also sprinkled with compassion, and a grateful heart, with a wisdom gained from triumphing over those difficult early years of his life – you know – from “sex, drugs & rock-n-roll”, mixed with liberal doses of alcohol. Thankfully, he saw the error of his ways, and turned first to AA, and his life started the 180 turnaround.
The Lord Jesus Christ finally won him over in the latter years of his youth, and “Thurston” as he was known to many from the nickname I gave him, was first to give glory to God for turning his life around. I met this complex & interesting guy @ work in 1982, and we were together 34 years, just missing our 30th wedding anniversary. We were soul mates for life we told each other. My Prince Charming and only true love. We had ups & downs in our marriage as any married couple, but rode them out with the help from our Lord.
In the later years, he had developed COPD, and as the disease progressed, so did his adaptability, and closer walk with the Lord, and also – his gratitude for each new day he was on planet Earth. He developed other health issues, but faced each & every one with courage and determination, never complaining about his limitations. Our marriage settled into a sweet contentment & tender appreciation & deep love for each other & our Lord Jesus Who we both loved. Our immediate family & extended church family meant the world to us, but we were also just so grateful for each other, and we needed nothing else. Life was good & we so appreciated our life together. Until that terrible day last July, when my world came crashing down, and I rushed him to ER with extreme abdominal pain. He was gone in little more than 30 hours later, and my heart was blown apart, and I was and still am, a shattered shell of who I once was. I miss being his wife, a role I so cherished. But I will remain his widow, no one else would ever do for me.
And so – as the 2nd round of holidays are before me without him, I know that I lost the most important person ever, in my entire lifetime. He was my everything, and in a way – he was also like my big kid, with his lovable personality that refused to grow up all the way. Nothing will ever mean the same, and as Gary put it, these holidays collide with the deep grief hole in so many hearts that are grieving their lost family members. His absence fills my being, the longing for him never goes away. The holidays to me are just to be gotten over as quickly as possible. When you lose someone this precious – your entire focus changes. You are indeed looking over the chasm of life and death, and the latter can’t help but change you forever.
So- as Thanksgiving looms next week, his favorite holiday, his absence will be on our minds as I join his beloved sister & her family for Thanksgiving dinner. “Mick” was the spark that ignited so many good times & laughter in our family, that going on without him seems suffocating & impossible at times. But, as much as our hearts hurt, we will remember him with much love and maybe a smile or two, for what he brought to us, his humor, his love, and his gratitude for life itself. I can only thank God that He gave me this wonderful man for my husband. He taught me so much. He truly was an example of God’s grace, and my only hope is that I will be able to spend eternity with him one Glorious Day, never to be separated again. Ever.
Hi Karen. I’m so sorry about Mick. Thank you for sharing him with us. He sounds like a truly remarkable, turn-around kind of man. I too am so glad that this is not all there is and that we have so much to look forward to because of what God has done for us in Christ. You have so much to be thankful for, and also so much to miss and to grieve over. Please be kind to yourself and continue to let the Lord take care of you. Blessings to you this Thanksgiving.
I am thankful for the his life and the life I had with him. 25 years of marriage, three beautiful daughters, each one has something of him. Even though the anniversary is round the corner (November 30th, will be
5 years, but seem like yesterday). Yes I am grateful, I am thankful. His life with me was great! Now he is resting in the arms of God his creater……thanks to God
Hi Julie. Thank you for sharing. And I’m so sorry about your husband. And I’m very thankful for your faith and for the assurance of what we can look forward to. Please continue to be kind to yourself, especially with this anniversary coming. And please feel free to share here any time. Blessings to you today…
I’m very thankful that we met and had 31 wonderful yrs. of marriage. I just miss him so much and wanted more time together. I don’t know how to live without him.
Hi Margie. Thank you for sharing. When we marry, two become one, and then later a separation comes for most of us – through death. No wonder we struggle and hurt. We miss them terribly. Please feel free to share any time, and be patient with yourself this season. You are special, for more so than you know.
Yes. I’m thankful that God gave her to us for 42 years. She was an inspiration to all that knew her. She loved her family to the moon and back. Her daughters were her life. I’m thankful for HER.
Hi Betty. What a beautiful tribute for her this is. Thank you for writing and sharing this. She sounds truly remarkable. If there’s anything I can do for you, please let me know. Blessings…
As I remember my husband, I am thankful for the 50 years God allowed me to have him in my life…from dating to marriage, he was always kind, loving and attentive to me. I miss his gentle nature and his glowing smile, but I know he is at peace now, and I am also thankful for that!
Kind, loving and gentle. What a wonderful description. Thank you for sharing a little about him, Debra. Please feel free to reach out and share here any time. And if there’s any way I can support you, please let me know. Blessings to you…
Gary, I just went through a divorce. My wife left me for the glimmer of the single life she was missing, one that would cater to her affections for another man with a better ability to do so with less guilt. That loss is worse than death, because she is still alive but has utterly rejected me. Thanksgiving for the last 9 years was spent with the 2 of us driving with a car full of awesome hot meals to the homeless, broken, and shut ins. It was my very favorite thing of the year to do and always looked forward to it months in advance. Could you write something on this type of loss and its respective collision please? Thanks you brother
Hi David. Oh no. I’m so sorry. brother. How devastating and painful. The feelings of betrayal, abandonment, etc. have to be huge. What an awesome Thanksgiving tradition you had too. Ugh. Yes, this is a powerful collision of a different sort. They live on, but they do not live with or love us anymore. Crushing. Confusing. If there’s anything I can do for you, please email me. I’ll be glad to listen, or do whatever I can. And I’ll be thinking about writing on this specific collision too. Again, I’m so sorry brother.
I am thankful that I had the privilege of being married to a man who was always faithful and loved me unconditionally. I miss him terribly, but even more every November and December. His “flight to heaven” was 11/10/2009. He dearly loved Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Hi Candy. Thanks for sharing. I’m so sorry. Faithful. Unconditional love. How powerful is that? And no wonder this season is hard for you – it certainly should be. Please be patient with yourself. If I can help in any way, please let me know. Good to hear from you, Candy. Blessings to you…