“I can’t seem to focus. My concentration is gone,” Wayne shared. “I space out at work. I zone out in conversations. I watch movies and discover I have no idea what the plot line is.”
Wayne’s daughter Tory was his little princess. She was a daddy’s girl, and the two of them adored each other. When she went to college, she called her dad almost every day.
Her senior year, Tory was celebrating Spring Break at a lake house with some friends. A freak boating accident ended her life. She was 18.
“I’ll never forget that call. I’ve been living in a fog ever since. I miss my baby girl,” Wayne concluded, turning to look out the window.
We’re not as sharp
Grief hits us cognitively too. Here are 5 unsettling ways loss can affect you mentally.
1. Your concentration isn’t what it was.
You not at your mental best. Grief takes up a large amount of mental and emotional space. It’s exhausting and consumes tremendous amounts of energy. Your ability to concentrate is going to take a hit. This is natural and common.
2. You’re having “grief blips.”
What’s a grief blip?
You zone out in the middle of conversations. One moment you’re engaged and the next you have no idea what’s happening. You find yourself staring into space at work. Time passes unnoticed. It’s as if your system is saying, “We’re officially overloaded. We’re shutting down now to prevent total meltdown.”
3. Your memory seems to be eroding.
You’re forgetting things. Appointments. Where you put the keys. Your list for the store. Where you’re supposed to be going in the car. People’s names. Words that used to come easy.
It’s as if your brain isn’t working right. Grief has thrown a wrench into a system that normally hums along pretty well.
4. Your frustration level is rising.
Unfortunately, the demands on you haven’t decreased. All the responsibilities are still there – with perhaps some new ones added in. Like a car running on fumes, you valliantly attempt to do life on a lot less than before. This only adds to your exhaustion. Frustration grows. Enjoyment has gone out the window. Your attention span is reduced to seconds. Focusing becomes a task of herculean proportions.
5. Your performance is slipping.
Work, relationships, hobbies, and service can all suffer. Your loss is taking up enormous space in your life, as it should. Spurts of focus are probably doable. Intense, productive concentration, however, may be unrealistic for a while. Dialoging with bosses, supervisors, and co-workers becomes more important than ever before. Yet, even this seems like a solo swim across the Atlantic.
Here’s the good news. This can’t-concentrate-or-focus struggle isn’t permanent. Though frustrating, it is a temporary, natural, and common grief reaction.
“I can’t focus or concentrate. I’m not surprised. My heart is missing you.”
Some suggestions:
When we can’t perform or focus as usual, we can grow frustrated and angry. Here are some action steps that might help:
- Be kind to yourself. Reduced concentration and focus is normal and expected. Learning to accept yourself with this new, temporary handicap is important.
- Downgrade your expectations. Life and work are not business as usual, no matter what anyone else says or implies. You’re simply not all there. You can’t be. You’re grieving. Adjust your expectations of yourself accordingly.
- Plan your concentration in spurts. You have smaller time windows of concentration to work with, so use them wisely. Get the most important stuff done first.
- Rest. Give yourself space. Stare at the walls. Your mind and heart need to recover from this severe trauma. Make rest a priority.
Most concentration and focus issues are temporary. Be patient with yourself. You’ve lost a loved one.
Adapted from the newly release bestseller, Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child. You can watch the Shattered videos here: Gary, Michelle
Question: Has grief affected your mental capacities? How so? What have you found to be helpful?
Additional resource: Many of us have unrealistic expectations of ourselves and the grief process. This only adds to our stress. Please check out my article on Beliefnet, 10 Myths About Grief Most of Us Believe. If you find it helpful, please share it with others. Together, we can help so many more grieving hearts.
Concentration, focusing, and memory are still major issues for me even after losing my husband five years ago. Thank you for your reassurance, but is this normal after this long? I can relate to many of these unsettling ways as I grieve. Great article.
Hi Laurie. I’m so sorry about your husband. That loss changes everything, and is so challenging. And yes, some of these challenges can go on for quiter some time – especially if the stress level of life is still high. If you’re concerned, please get checked out. The grind of grief and extra responsibilities can be heavy and oppressive to our mental state. And please feel free to contact here anytime, Laurie. Blessings to you…
Thanks for validating me and my life these days! There’s been way too many major losses for me during the past 25 years. Marriage, fiancé and then my son & only grandchildren’s estrangement 8 yrs ago. I am now a different person, I’m sorry to say. Again, thank you. God bless, all of us.
Hi Marsha. Ugh. I’m so sorry. Goodness. Yes, that amount of loss would change anyone. Please continue to be kind to yourself and patient with yourself. Blessings to you, today.
I just wanted to say thank you for this one, it definitely hit home. I lost my mom 2 and a half years ago and I am just not the same, mentally. Maybe this is the new “normal” I am glad to know that I am not alone. Thank you for sharing.
Hi Angel. Yes, we’re not quite ourselves, are we? Whew! I refer to my brain as “Swiss Cheese,” and the holes seems to be getting larger. Hope you are doing well. Blessings to you…
Thank you, Gary. This is so true!
Hi Sharon. Great to hear from you! Blessings!
As a crafts person (quilting, painting, woodworking, crocheting) I previously would begin a project and stay focused until it was finished. Now, after losing my husband, I have difficulty staying focused and have several projects started and unfinished. My concentration level has definitely diminished and it is so frustrating!
Hi Rhonda. You are not alone! I heard one person refer to the themselves as the UPS person (unfinished projects). Yes, our focus takes a big hits. We become “spurty.” That can be frustrating indeed. Please feel free to share here anytime. Blessings to you.
This email could not have come at a better time. Last week my boss said to me ” I think that you are over-medicated and that you should see your Doctor and ask to be taken off” My reply was how? she replied “That you are very forgetful”. I wanted to just break down and cry. I try very hard at both my jobs and to hear this was just very hurtful.
Thank You Gary for this email, every time you send one out it validates to me that I am okay! I am grieving.
Hi Regina. Yes…sigh. And we’re not even aware of most of the changes until someone points it out. Hard, hard, hard. Yes, you’re normal – very. Grief is taking up more space. We simply have less margin available for “life.” Please feel free to reach out here anytime, Regina. Blessings…
“Time passes unnoticed”. That statement really stood out to me because it has been a constant with me ever since my loss almost 3 years ago.
Hi Kathy. Yes. It seems like yesterday. It’s almost like we live in another time zone entirely. Please reach out here anytime, Kathy. Blessings to you today.
Totally on point!
HI Angela. Thanks for commenting! Glad we’re in this together…
Very good article! Thank you for reassuring me this is apart of the journey*
HI Martha. Thanks for taking the time to comment, and thank you for your encouragement. Hope you are doing well. Blessings to you today.