Guilt can be heavy.
“I know it’s my fault. Now I’m being punished. I can’t make this right. What can I do?” Melissa choked through her tears.
Melissa’s son Carter was her third child. He came out screaming, and (according to Melissa) never stopped talking. He grew like a weed.
One hot summer day, the family was in the back yard enjoying their pool. Melissa turned away for a moment. When she looked back, Carter was gone. She frantically searched before finally noticing him on the bottom of the pool. Carter was three years old.
“I should have been watching. God will never forgive me for this. And I’ll never, ever forgive myself. Because of me, Carter is dead,” she said with a cold stare.
When we feel guilty, we punish ourselves
When someone close to us dies, we can feel responsible. How could this happen? We missed something. We should have been there. We should have known.
We add guilt and remorse to the already unbearable pain of losing them. We begin to punish ourselves, consciously or subconsciously. The shame cripples us. Even if our faith is deep and solid, some of us have trouble raising our eyes to heaven, or even whispering a prayer.
Perhaps we see this tragedy as punishment for the things we did or didn’t do. Maybe we believe our loved one was taken from us because we weren’t good enough. We’ve messed up too much and crossed a line somewhere, and now God, karma, fate, or the universe has given us what we deserve.
Underneath it all is the shaky belief that if we had been better people this would not have happened. We’re bad and our loved one is dead. Forgiveness is impossible.
In grief and in life, we often confuse being responsible with being in control. That never works, because it’s simply not true. We influence much, but are never “in control” when it comes to relationships, other people, or circumstances. We don’t even cause our own hearts to beat.
We aren’t perfect. Far from it. We aren’t omniscient (all-knowing) – not even close. We’re not omnipresent (everywhere at once), but limited to being in one small spot on this planet at any given time. We’re not omnipotent (all-powerful) – not by a long shot. Yet we sometimes expect ourselves to be all of these.
Whatever our belief system, it must provide somehow for the resolution of guilt. Forgiveness must be included and available, or else we are lost and without hope.
Blaming ourselves is a common reaction to some deaths. But it is not healthy, and hinders our recovery and healing.
“Part of loving and honoring you is forgiving myself. I’m working on that.”
An exercise to consider:
This exercise will take a little time. It may be emotional. That’s okay. We’re processing some tough stuff here.
Take a moment and list anything you feel responsible for related to the death of your loved one. Be as specific as possible.
Do you believe you can be forgiven? What would it look like to forgive yourself?
Write a letter or poem to your loved one expressing the guilt you feel. Be as specific as you can. Consider asking forgiveness from God, your loved one, and perhaps your family.
Now, imagine your loved one in front of you, and read this letter out loud.
When done, go back to the letter and write at the bottom, “I forgive myself.” Read it out loud.
We often need to forgive ourselves over and over again, each time at a deeper level. Keep forgiving. Keep releasing yourself. This is part of healthy grieving.
Adapted from the new bestseller, Shattered: Surviving the Loss of a Child. Watch the Shattered videos here: Gary, Michelle.
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It does bring blame and guilt whether it’s legit or not, that’s just the way it is.
Hi Sandy. Yes, guilt comes knocking in almost every single case. I’m so sorry. It can be so challenging. If there’s anything I can do for you, please let me know.
Hi Sandy. Yes, it does. Guilt is natural as breathing…if we have a heart! Hope you’re doing well. Blessings to you…
On April 14,2008 my day started like any other. I lived with my 20 year old daughter and her three year old son. I worked at our town’s convention center as a banquet manager. My daughter worked at a large hotel. He boyfriend worked there as well. They also worked in the banquet dept. She left for work before me. As I was getting ready for work I noticed she had taken a belt I had laid out to wear. I always laid my clothes out the night before. I didn’t mind her raiding my closet but she knew if I had stuff laid out I planned on wearing it. So I called her and we argued. That night I got home before her. I was trying to wait up to apologize but fell asleep in front of the TV. At 3 am I was called to the hospital. Her boyfriend had gotten drunk at work. When she realized she tried to get him to pull over and let her drive. He refused. They argued and he intentionally wrecked the vehicle planning to kill them both. Her neck was broken leaving her quadriplegic. He got a bump on the head. She lived for seven years before her injuries killed her. I took care of her at home. I am now raising her son. I am wracked with guilt because we were fighting that day. I also wonder often if I had given her better care at home if she would have lived. I did everything u could. And they belt. She was conscious when they got her to the hospital. They cut her clothes off but she wouldn’t let them cut my belt.I still have it. It has never been taken out of the bag it was returned in. She died February13,2015.
Hi Kathy. Oh my. What a traumatic and tragic event. No wonder you’re hurting. Thank you for your love for your daughter. Thank you for caring for her. And the circumstances behind it all must be mentally torturing at times. I can’t imagine. Do you have anyone where you are that you can share freely with – someone who will listen without judgment? You need someone like that…someone safe and trustworthy. Please feel free to reach out here any time. Praying for you now – hope, peace, and comfort. Blessings…
Oh my gosh. I blamed myself when my brother died. My mother made me responsible for him. I actually moved back home after getting married and moving away because my mother phoned me endlessly and told me that I had to help Bob because I was the only one he’d listen to.(My husband was unhappy about having to return home and my marriage suffered for years). My brother Bob had schizophrenia, was addicted to alcohol, was possibly also addicted to pain meds, was an insulin dependant diabetic who regularly skipped his insulin, and had another glaring medical problem that he refused to see a doctor about. When Bob passed away, I truly believed it was all my fault because I failed at helping him. I could not convince him to get sober. I could not convince him to take his meds or to see a doctor. It took the help of my wonderful therapist to help me realize that the cards were pretty much stacked against me, and Bob made the decisions that led to his passing.
HI Diane. Oh my. Thank you for sharing. What a tough, seemingly no-win situation. I’m so proud of you for realizing it and beginning to release it. We can be merciless when we hold ourselves hostage. Blessings to you, Diane. And please feel free to contact at any time.
Thank you, Gary. I too, like many others feel so much guilt; for not choosing a different cancer treatment, for not feeling or being patient 100% of the time……and then for the other son…for not understanding that his depression would kill him….if I had allowed him to come home, if if if….
Hi Sonya. I’m so sorry. If, if, if…you put it well. Ugh. The if’s swirl around and around. If I can ever do anything to help please let me know. Please be patient with yourself in this – you need and deserve that. Blessings to you…
Thank you, Gary. I too, like many others feel so much guilt; for not choosing a different cancer treatment, for not feeling or being patient 100% of the time……and then for the other son…for not understanding that his depression would kill him….if I had allowed him to come home, if if if….
Hi Sonya. I’m so sorry. If, if, if…you put it well. Ugh. The if’s swirl around and around. If I can ever do anything to help please let me know. Please be patient with yourself in this – you need and deserve that. Blessings to you…
Thank you, Gary. I too, like many others feel so much guilt; for not choosing a different cancer treatment, for not feeling or being patient 100% of the time……and then for the other son…for not understanding that his depression would kill him….if I had allowed him to come home, if if if….
Hi Sonya. I’m so sorry. If, if, if…you put it well. Ugh. The if’s swirl around and around. If I can ever do anything to help please let me know. Please be patient with yourself in this – you need and deserve that. Blessings to you…
He didn’t accept my apology for losing patience. Told me I stunk. He was demented but I felt horrible.
Still do after 5 years. He humiliated me and criticized and I wasn’t big enough to understand that he was dying..Which he did within a matter of days.
Hi Jocelyne. I’m so sorry. In these cases, it’s so hard to know at the time what’s happening and what to do. We do the best we can with the wisdom we have at the time. But yes, we have regrets. Please be patient with yourself. Your love for him is so clear. I’m praying God will change these memories for you, and that the negative ones will fade with time. Your love for him is clear – and that is what matters. Blessings to you…
He didn’t accept my apology for losing patience. Told me I stunk. He was demented but I felt horrible.
Still do after 5 years. He humiliated me and criticized and I wasn’t big enough to understand that he was dying..Which he did within a matter of days.
Hi Jocelyne. I’m so sorry. In these cases, it’s so hard to know at the time what’s happening and what to do. We do the best we can with the wisdom we have at the time. But yes, we have regrets. Please be patient with yourself. Your love for him is so clear. I’m praying God will change these memories for you, and that the negative ones will fade with time. Your love for him is clear – and that is what matters. Blessings to you…
He didn’t accept my apology for losing patience. Told me I stunk. He was demented but I felt horrible.
Still do after 5 years. He humiliated me and criticized and I wasn’t big enough to understand that he was dying..Which he did within a matter of days.
Hi Jocelyne. I’m so sorry. In these cases, it’s so hard to know at the time what’s happening and what to do. We do the best we can with the wisdom we have at the time. But yes, we have regrets. Please be patient with yourself. Your love for him is so clear. I’m praying God will change these memories for you, and that the negative ones will fade with time. Your love for him is clear – and that is what matters. Blessings to you…