Valentine’s Day can be hard, especially if you’ve lost someone.
I used to think the whole Valentine’s affair was silly. Candy, chocolates, cards, and flowers. Growing up, I saw a lot of show, but little substance.
Now, I see the day differently. “Be my Valentine” has a new meaning.
“Be My Valentine”
There’s a lot encompassed in those three words:
- You are loved.
- You are wanted.
- You matter to me.
- You are special.
- I’m thinking of you.
- I’m grateful for you.
- You are not alone.
No wonder this phrase is powerful. We’re hot-wired to love and be loved. We’re relational creatures who thrive on meaningful and safe connection. When our relational needs are met, it trickles down into the rest of life. Our hearts are more settled and content. We worry and strive less. Peace and joy come with knowing we are loved.
That’s why grief hurts. We dared to love. When hearts have been joined, separation of any kind is painful. A person’s presence is so powerful that when someone is missing it leaves a tangible void. Their absence is palpable. It’s like a shortage of oxygen.
The loneliness can be smothering. It’s like trying to walk through waist-deep mud. Slow-going. Exhausting. It can feel impossible.
Let’s face it. Valentine’s is tough for those enduring loss. It should be.
So what can we do?
4 Steps to Help Survive the Day
Here are 4 tips to help make it through February 14:
Step 1: Meet the day head-on and make a plan.
Valentine’s Day will not be stopped. Sitting back and dreading its approach isn’t loving to ourselves or anyone else. What if we took the bull by the horns, and leaned into the Day instead?
Make a plan. What do you want to do? When? How? With whom?
As you make your plan, consider the triggers out there. Couples everywhere, holding hands, smiling, laughing, and having a good time. Romantic music and messages will fill the speakers and airwaves. How much can you handle? How much do you want to handle?
Make a plan. Keep it simple.
Step 2: Honor your loved one.
As you make your plan, is there a way you can honor the loved one you lost? Write a letter. Buy a card. Release a balloon. Give a gift in his or her name. Honor a Valentine’s tradition he or she liked.
Some might not want to honor the person – especially if they left or you parted on less than good terms. That’s okay. Move on to Step 3.
Step 3: Be nice to you.
Whatever plan you come up with, please be nice to yourself. Your loved one would want that.
Again, what do you want to do?
If you’re angry at the one who left, consider doing yourself a favor by forgiving them. This could be your Valentine’s gift to yourself. If you can’t forgive now, put it on your radar screen for the future. You don’t need that extra emotional weight on top of everything else.
Step 4: Reach out to someone you appreciate
Use the Day. Reach out to someone you respect, appreciate, or admire. Valentine’s Day is about expressing love. Share some. You’ll encourage them, and it will help your hurting heart too.
Here we go…
February 14 will come and go. You can make it count. Take your heart seriously. Make a plan. Honor your loved one, if you can. Be nice to yourself. Reach out and encourage someone.
Breathe deeply. This too shall pass.
P.S. The HEARTBROKEN Valentine’s 2-for-1 Event is underway! Purchase one copy, and we’ll send you two. Get two, we’ll send four. You get the idea. No quantity limits, and free shipping on the free copies. This is great time to grab gifts for those you care about.
(Heartbroken: Healing from the Loss of a Spouse was a 2015 Amazon Top 10 Bestseller, USA Best Book Awards Finalist, and National Indie Excellence Book Awards Finalist)
Photo Credit: ©photodune.net
While my husband of 32 years didn’t pass away, I’m feeling his loss as though it were a death. Even harder because he’s still here. After 32 great years of marriage, seemingly happy and wonderful, he left me for a man. All the losses I feel has been so hard to navigate and even harder to understand. But God has been faithful. Thank you for these tips.
Hi Tammy. I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine the pain and the sense of betrayal – and all kinds of other things as well. No wonder you’re feeling as you are. Yes, God will guide you through this. He is with you in the mess, all the time. His love will win out. If I can help in any way, please let me know. Blessings to you, Tammy.
February 12th will mark the one year anniversary of Ed passing away. My heart still breaks every day. I admit my level of anxiety is through the roof. I don’t know if I can make it through.
Hi Karen. Those anniversaries can be SO tough. You will make it through. And yes, the anxiety can be terrible. Breathe deeply, and practice it at times when you’re NOT anxious. It’s amazing how deep breathing can unplug the fear and terror when it comes. Stay connected. Keep sharing. Thanks for commenting!
February 12th will mark the one year anniversary of Ed passing away. My heart still breaks every day. I admit my level of anxiety is through the roof. I don’t know if I can make it through.
Hi Karen. Those anniversaries can be SO tough. You will make it through. And yes, the anxiety can be terrible. Breathe deeply, and practice it at times when you’re NOT anxious. It’s amazing how deep breathing can unplug the fear and terror when it comes. Stay connected. Keep sharing. Thanks for commenting!
February 12th will mark the one year anniversary of Ed passing away. My heart still breaks every day. I admit my level of anxiety is through the roof. I don’t know if I can make it through.
Hi Karen. Those anniversaries can be SO tough. You will make it through. And yes, the anxiety can be terrible. Breathe deeply, and practice it at times when you’re NOT anxious. It’s amazing how deep breathing can unplug the fear and terror when it comes. Stay connected. Keep sharing. Thanks for commenting!
I cannot imagine the sorrow of those who have lost a spouse or intimate companion. I know of a woman who just buried her husband of 41 years. This Feb 14 would have been their 42nd anniversary.
But what I CAN imagine is the hollowness and dread that some singles feel in the days preceding Valentines. In my heart there’s a haunting message that says “you’ve missed out.”
When it comes to relationships, these three words can be crushing. It’s one thing to miss out on a scholarship, a career, the acquisition of a prized vehicle or a new house. But to miss out on the opportunity to live in relationship with a spouse is to miss out on an entire world of relationship; spouse, children, grandchildren….
Hi Mark. Great point. You are absolutely right. We grieve what we had and lost – and what we don’t have, or didn’t have. Lots of grief in life – more than any of us know. Praying for you, brother.
I cannot imagine the sorrow of those who have lost a spouse or intimate companion. I know of a woman who just buried her husband of 41 years. This Feb 14 would have been their 42nd anniversary.
But what I CAN imagine is the hollowness and dread that some singles feel in the days preceding Valentines. In my heart there’s a haunting message that says “you’ve missed out.”
When it comes to relationships, these three words can be crushing. It’s one thing to miss out on a scholarship, a career, the acquisition of a prized vehicle or a new house. But to miss out on the opportunity to live in relationship with a spouse is to miss out on an entire world of relationship; spouse, children, grandchildren….
Hi Mark. Great point. You are absolutely right. We grieve what we had and lost – and what we don’t have, or didn’t have. Lots of grief in life – more than any of us know. Praying for you, brother.
I cannot imagine the sorrow of those who have lost a spouse or intimate companion. I know of a woman who just buried her husband of 41 years. This Feb 14 would have been their 42nd anniversary.
But what I CAN imagine is the hollowness and dread that some singles feel in the days preceding Valentines. In my heart there’s a haunting message that says “you’ve missed out.”
When it comes to relationships, these three words can be crushing. It’s one thing to miss out on a scholarship, a career, the acquisition of a prized vehicle or a new house. But to miss out on the opportunity to live in relationship with a spouse is to miss out on an entire world of relationship; spouse, children, grandchildren….
Hi Mark. Great point. You are absolutely right. We grieve what we had and lost – and what we don’t have, or didn’t have. Lots of grief in life – more than any of us know. Praying for you, brother.