Christmas is wonderful. It can also be tough.
The air is filled with tinkling bells, holiday music, and seasonal fragrances. People are everywhere, holding hands, smiling, getting into the “Christmas spirit.” The world around us commands us to be happy and celebrate.
But what if we’ve lost someone? What if some tragedy has occurred? What if our hearts are broken?
When we’re missing someone, we tend to bump into them everywhere. Especially during the holidays.
Yes, Christmas can be tough.
“I Miss Everything!”
“What do I miss?” Stacey asked. “Everything! Everything reminds me of Craig.”
“It doesn’t matter where I go or what I do, he’s gone. On top of that, he loved Christmas. I see him everywhere this time of year. Grief hits me in the face over and over and over again,” she continued.
Reminders are everywhere. Decorations, holiday traditions, songs, places, fragrances, people – the list goes on and on. Anything can trigger a memory, especially around Christmas.
Wounds of the past can become the pain of the present in an instant.
Christmas: an emotional minefield
You’re walking through an emotional minefield every moment, not knowing where the next grief hit is going to come from. To say this is challenging is a gross understatement.
Holiday grief can be incredibly exhausting. But it also shouts how special your loved one was and is to you. She or he is everywhere. Of course. You loved them (and love them still!).
Walk carefully. Breathe deeply. One mine at a time.
Watch those expectations
Be sure to watch out for the minefield of unspoken expectations.
We all have expectations – of ourselves, of others, of the world, and of the holidays. They can be incredibly sneaky, and even add to our grief. Unmasking and identifying them is huge.
I’m not much on list-making, but I’ve found that writing down expectations can be incredibly freeing.
So grab your phone, laptop, or a sheet of paper and give it a try.
- How do I anticipate these holidays will go?
- What do I expect of myself in the next two weeks?
- What do I expect of my family during this season?
- What do I expect of others around me?
Be as thorough and as specific as you can.
What’s realistic and healthy for YOU these holidays?
Now, go back over your list of expectations and ask yourself these questions:
- Is this expectation realistic and healthy for me given what I’m going through? (If not, mark through it and release yourself!)
- Is what I’m expecting of others realistic and healthy given the current situation? Do they know I’m expecting this of them? (If not, mark through that one and release yourself!)
- Do I WANT to do that? Do I WANT to do that with THEM?
- What do I WANT to do, how, when, and with whom?
If you’re dealing with a loss, it’s like you’ve been hit by a truck. People hit by trucks don’t just jump up, smile, and carry on as usual simply because it’s Christmas.
So much of healthy grieving (and living) is about taking care of you. This honors your loved one, too. And ultimately taking care of you expresses love for all those you care about, for it trickles down to them too.
When you’re as healthy as you can be, everyone wins.
You can do this.
The holiday grief minefield is real. It’s tough, and unpredictable. But you can navigate it well.
- Be nice to yourself.
- Take care of you.
- Let the memories come (you won’t be able to stop them anyway!).
- Include your loved one in the holidays and honor them with your grief.
- Be aware of those sneaky expectations. Unmask them. Evaluate them.
- You get to choose what you do, how, when, and with whom.
Here’s a grief affirmation:
“Everything seems to remind me of you. I’ll learn to treasure each memory.”
Yes, reminders are everywhere. This can be difficult, but as you grieve you’ll find yourself treasuring the memories more and more.
This Christmas might be really different, but it can still be good.
Adapted from the Bestseller Heartbroken: Healing from the Loss of a Spouse (USA Best Book Awards Finalist, National Indie Excellence Award Finalist).
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Hi Gary,
Haven’t written to you in quite a while. As always your words strike true and are good for the soul. Paul has been gone now almost 2-1/2 years. But he’s not really gone. Like your article says, he’s everywhere. I’ve learned to feel them, acknowledge them, cry if I have to but more so smile for the memories. I’m learning to slowly let go. Let go of the hurt of the suddenness of his death and not having the chance to say good-bye, unresolved questions, etc. I try to focus on his gentleness and love he share with me when he could. He came from a very dysfunctional and sometimes abusive home. He had issues of trust but when he opened up to me he was like the sun during a storm.
I spend time with the identical twin brother every week. Just as friends. There are no feelings of anything more at least on my end. Not sure about Al. Don’t want to be mean but that’s OK with me. Paul will always have my heart and I just don’t have it in me anymore to want a relationship other than friendship with Al or anyone else.
After almost 60 years of living in basically the same 100 mile radius of my birth home, I have decided to move. Far. I’m moving to Maui, HI in July to help my daughter with her music school business. It scares me some because all my memories are here in Wisconsin. I have to leave Paul’s mortal remains behind (unless Al lets me take some of the ashes and make a permanent reminder of him….there are beautiful blown glass eternal flames that hold some of the ashes. But I’m afraid to ask.) Anyway, it is going to be a really, really BIG change for me. Lots of stuff to get rid of, give away, etc. Only sending a few boxes there. I’m excited but holding back too. I need to get moving and get things done but I procrastinate terribly. But I’ve always been that way. This is not a good time to do that though. But I also feel part of me doesn’t want to leave Paul. Though I know he will always be with me. It’s the physical reminders that I have to leave except for a few personal items.
Well, that’s about all that is new with me. Hope you have a blessed Christmas and that this coming year is incredible for all! Peace and God’s love,
Rita
Hi Rita. So good to hear from you. Sounds like you are doing well, given all that has happened. Thank you for taking your heart seriously and taking time to heal and grow.
Believe it or not, I lived on Maui for several years. Yes, it’s quite a change, but I’ll be praying it’s one you’ll really enjoy. Talk about beauty, clean air, and a whole different life!? Wow.
Blessings and Merry Christmas to you. Please keep me posted!
Hi Gary,
Haven’t written to you in quite a while. As always your words strike true and are good for the soul. Paul has been gone now almost 2-1/2 years. But he’s not really gone. Like your article says, he’s everywhere. I’ve learned to feel them, acknowledge them, cry if I have to but more so smile for the memories. I’m learning to slowly let go. Let go of the hurt of the suddenness of his death and not having the chance to say good-bye, unresolved questions, etc. I try to focus on his gentleness and love he share with me when he could. He came from a very dysfunctional and sometimes abusive home. He had issues of trust but when he opened up to me he was like the sun during a storm.
I spend time with the identical twin brother every week. Just as friends. There are no feelings of anything more at least on my end. Not sure about Al. Don’t want to be mean but that’s OK with me. Paul will always have my heart and I just don’t have it in me anymore to want a relationship other than friendship with Al or anyone else.
After almost 60 years of living in basically the same 100 mile radius of my birth home, I have decided to move. Far. I’m moving to Maui, HI in July to help my daughter with her music school business. It scares me some because all my memories are here in Wisconsin. I have to leave Paul’s mortal remains behind (unless Al lets me take some of the ashes and make a permanent reminder of him….there are beautiful blown glass eternal flames that hold some of the ashes. But I’m afraid to ask.) Anyway, it is going to be a really, really BIG change for me. Lots of stuff to get rid of, give away, etc. Only sending a few boxes there. I’m excited but holding back too. I need to get moving and get things done but I procrastinate terribly. But I’ve always been that way. This is not a good time to do that though. But I also feel part of me doesn’t want to leave Paul. Though I know he will always be with me. It’s the physical reminders that I have to leave except for a few personal items.
Well, that’s about all that is new with me. Hope you have a blessed Christmas and that this coming year is incredible for all! Peace and God’s love,
Rita
Hi Rita. So good to hear from you. Sounds like you are doing well, given all that has happened. Thank you for taking your heart seriously and taking time to heal and grow.
Believe it or not, I lived on Maui for several years. Yes, it’s quite a change, but I’ll be praying it’s one you’ll really enjoy. Talk about beauty, clean air, and a whole different life!? Wow.
Blessings and Merry Christmas to you. Please keep me posted!
Hi Gary,
Haven’t written to you in quite a while. As always your words strike true and are good for the soul. Paul has been gone now almost 2-1/2 years. But he’s not really gone. Like your article says, he’s everywhere. I’ve learned to feel them, acknowledge them, cry if I have to but more so smile for the memories. I’m learning to slowly let go. Let go of the hurt of the suddenness of his death and not having the chance to say good-bye, unresolved questions, etc. I try to focus on his gentleness and love he share with me when he could. He came from a very dysfunctional and sometimes abusive home. He had issues of trust but when he opened up to me he was like the sun during a storm.
I spend time with the identical twin brother every week. Just as friends. There are no feelings of anything more at least on my end. Not sure about Al. Don’t want to be mean but that’s OK with me. Paul will always have my heart and I just don’t have it in me anymore to want a relationship other than friendship with Al or anyone else.
After almost 60 years of living in basically the same 100 mile radius of my birth home, I have decided to move. Far. I’m moving to Maui, HI in July to help my daughter with her music school business. It scares me some because all my memories are here in Wisconsin. I have to leave Paul’s mortal remains behind (unless Al lets me take some of the ashes and make a permanent reminder of him….there are beautiful blown glass eternal flames that hold some of the ashes. But I’m afraid to ask.) Anyway, it is going to be a really, really BIG change for me. Lots of stuff to get rid of, give away, etc. Only sending a few boxes there. I’m excited but holding back too. I need to get moving and get things done but I procrastinate terribly. But I’ve always been that way. This is not a good time to do that though. But I also feel part of me doesn’t want to leave Paul. Though I know he will always be with me. It’s the physical reminders that I have to leave except for a few personal items.
Well, that’s about all that is new with me. Hope you have a blessed Christmas and that this coming year is incredible for all! Peace and God’s love,
Rita
Hi Rita. So good to hear from you. Sounds like you are doing well, given all that has happened. Thank you for taking your heart seriously and taking time to heal and grow.
Believe it or not, I lived on Maui for several years. Yes, it’s quite a change, but I’ll be praying it’s one you’ll really enjoy. Talk about beauty, clean air, and a whole different life!? Wow.
Blessings and Merry Christmas to you. Please keep me posted!