In grief, we sometimes carry extra baggage we’re unaware of. Wounds from the past can exert their influence and complicate the present. Grief is tough enough, without this extra weight.
A mountain of regret
Years ago, I had a serious conversation with a gentleman named Sam. He told me his life history. It wasn’t pretty.
Sam grew up in an abusive, violent home. He ran to drugs, alcohol, and crime at an early age. His life was riddled with pain, frustration, and anger.
Sam summed up his life philosophy this way: “Do to others as they’ve done to you.’”
Sam grew up surrounded by the don’t-get-mad-get-even mindset, so he naturally saw life through those lenses. Exact your own form of justice. Get them before they get you.
As a result, Sam had accumulated a massive pile of regrets. The mountain was so high he couldn’t imagine being able to climb it. Now, his closest friend had died, and this sent him over the emotional edge. The pain hijacked his heart.
When the past drives the present
If we’re not careful, the pain of the past can secretly drive the present, creating all kinds of havoc. Our grieving hearts can’t afford that, and neither can our relationships.
Most of us have unresolved stuff out there:
- A deep wound like abuse, abandonment, or neglect
- A relationship gone wrong and never put right
- Things said and done we wish we could delete
- Things not said or done we believe should have been
- Losses with no closure, where we had no chance to say goodbye
I picture regrets and unfinished business as a filing cabinet in my heart. The more that’s in there, the more it weighs me down. Then more hurt occurs. Perhaps another loss hits. I open a drawer and file away another wound. Soon, the cabinet is overflowing.
Unfinished business exerts constant pressure. Grudges and regret leak out all over the place. They create anxiety and can lead to depression and all sorts of mental health concerns. That heavy old filing cabinet can raise our blood pressure and create all manner of physical health issues.
The secret to handling unfinished business
If we want to grieve well, recover and heal, we need to unload whatever excess baggage we can. The big key to doing that is forgiveness.
Here are some truths about forgiveness:
- Forgiveness isn’t saying it didn’t matter.
- Forgiveness is saying it did matter, it hurt, and I choose to release my heart from being controlled by it any longer.
- Lack of forgiveness keeps past pain alive and gives it power in the present.
- Lack of forgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.
- Forgiveness is not weakness or being a doormat. It takes courage and strength.
- Forgiveness releases us to go on living and grieving in healthy ways.
- Forgiveness is a choice. We don’t need permission to forgive.
Unfinished business also includes the hurt we’ve caused. In order to unload our filing cabinet, we have to begin to take responsibility for what we did and said. Perhaps we need to ask forgiveness. Maybe we need to attempt to make things right.
And we certainly need for forgive ourselves. This can be the toughest of all.
“Forgive them, and yourself, and do it now.”
I met with Sam several times over a period of months. He was able to resolve many wounds from his past. He began to see how the past had invaded and fueled his anger about the recent death of his friend. He grieved heavily, and in healthy ways. He unpacked his filing cabinet and experienced significant peace of mind and heart.
When I asked him what advice he would give others, he said, “Forgive them, and yourself, and do it now.”
Open your filing cabinet.
Begin to clean out what you find there.
Keep the cabinet as light as possible by making forgiveness a continual priority.
Yes, grief is heavy enough, without the extra weight of unfinished business. It would be nice to be able to grieve our current loss, without being distracted or crushed by what happened or didn’t happen along the way.
Here’s to lighter filing cabinets.
Quick, pass the shredder.
Are there “extras” from the past complicating your grief process? Is there a “next step” you sense you need to take in dealing with them?
Hi Gary, I just recently stumbled across your book & realised I probably need to read it. “Losing a Child”. I lost my Son Rick, October 24, 2016. He was 38. He was a little special needs fella that my husband & I had at home & took care of him 24/7 for 38 years. He was severely mentally & physically disabled from birth. He was our life 24/7. My husband worked & was able to provide for everything Rick needed. I stayed home and care for him, giving total care to him. We are lost. He was our world. We don’t know what to do with ourselves because for 38 years, everything was him.
Hi Frances. Thank you for sharing with me. I’m so sorry about Rick. He sounds like a wonderful man. And bless you for all that you did for him for all those years. They don’t give medals for that kind of loving caregiving, but they should – a LOT of them. Of course, you don’t know what to do. It’s like part of you disappeared, and now who are you and what are you supposed to do. Please be kind to yourself in this process. And please feel free to reach out to me any time. I’ll help however I can. Blessings to you, Frances.
Have you ever lost a child?
Hi Peggy. Thanks for asking. No, I have not. I wrote Shattered in great fear and trembling…mainly because bereaved parents that I was working with asked me to. Shattered is really their story. I’m guessing you have lost a child, and I’m so sorry. Please feel free to share. Just speaking their name is so important. Blessings to you, Peggy.
Thank you Gary. Your words help me so very much…..
HI Nathalie. I’m so glad to be of some help. Glad we’re in this together, Nathalie…
My grief feels different from what you are describing. May I tell you? My husband still lives but I grieve because he is in a bed 24/7 with only brief periods of being out of bed for a shower or a DR appointment. I grieve while he yet lives. Never again will he walk with me down the aisle to our seat in church. Never again will we go to dinner with friends & he drive me much like a date. Never again will we sleep in the same bed. Never again will I smell that lingering smell of his shaving routine in our home. I could go on with many other ‘nevers’ but I chose to look at the time we have. We can watch Family Feud together. We can share a meal together in his LTCF room. I can have the pleasure of shaving him thus taking that smell home with me. Majority of the time I look at the positives in our lives, so rarely do these ‘nevers’ sneak in.
Hi Linda. I’m so proud of you. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for all you do for your husband. Your love is so clear and evident. And way to go on looking at and clinging to the positives. It’s so easy to think about what we’ve lost instead of what we still have. I’m glad those “nevers” hardly ever sneak in! Well done. If I can ever be of benefit to you, please let me know. Blessings….
I’ve lost my husband 2 years ago suddenly. No warning. It was the day before our 29th anniversary. We were packed for a vacation and without any warning he died. I’m thankful he didn’t sufffer with long term sickness but i feel families with love ones that they know is dying they get a chance to say goodbye and make things right. I didn’t get that and I feel I’m stuck in grief because of it. How can I move forward and be happy again ?
Hi Kathy. I’m so sorry. Lack of closure can be very hard. All losses have their own unique challenges, but not being able to say goodbye is a difficult thing to process. I often recommend that people write letters as part of their grief process in cases like this. Write like you would speak to him, and share with him anything on your heart and mind – including asking forgiveness, or talking about what you wish you have been able to do, etc. Be honest, real, and uncensored. Try and see what happens. Take your time. And please keep in touch through this process. Don’t go it alone.
Your filing cabinet visual is perfect for all of us who have worked in office settings. The filing cabinets are the life of whatever business you have, most importantly our lives.
I found when the Lord convicted me of; that way to much time had pasted with the loss of a presious friend. We had an argument, it grew with more ugly words, untill no words at all. I found my friend, we talked, we cried, we forgave! I’M going to work on more clutter in my cabinet! Thanks Gary
Hi Mollie. Thanks for your encouragement! I need to work on my filing cabinet too. My, things can accumulate in there SO quickly. Thanks for sharing, Mollie. Blessings…
I did not even know I was grieving these, could haves, what ifs, but thank you for open for ,my eyes, mind and heart to see this. And the past loses that I did not allow myself to grieve fully.
I pray this helps me reach some closure from a lot of built up, hidden hurt.
Hi Betty. Thanks for your comments. They are always so heartfelt, real, and insightful. If I can ever help in any way, please let me know. Blessings to you…