Loss is hard.

One of my best friends died at age 12 and left me in a fog. My dad’s death when I was 15 shattered my world. Every loss since has been difficult and sometimes traumatic. I felt punched in the gut or like I had been hit by a train.

Even if death was expected, it hits with the force of a tsunami.

Here are five reasons why death stuns us:

 

First, this life is all we’ve known.

We’ve spent all our lives on this planet, breathing this air and walking this earth. With death and things beyond, we’re in uncharted territory.

Faith can make a massive difference. Some have great peace about what’s next and a level of certainty about what’s beyond this life. Even then, death means separation from those we loved, even if it’s temporary. And that hurts.

 

Second, death is hard because of our culture.

Researchers of thanatology (the study of death) classify cultures as death-accepting, death-defying, or death-denying. Currently, the majority of North America falls into the death-denying category. We don’t think about it. We pretend it doesn’t exist. We don’t accept it. We see death as an intrusion – the destroyer of hopes, dreams, and relationships.

In other words, our cultural mindset doesn’t exactly prepare us for the realities of what we face when someone dies.

 

Third, death is hard because of the relational separation.

We’re created for relationship. Our lives are about people – our families, friends, and those we’ve known and related to over the years. This is our history.

Being torn away from those we love is a scary proposition. It’s traumatic, heartbreaking, and lonely.

 

Fourth, death is hard because it’s emotionally complicated.

Our emotions are all over the place:

  • We’re shocked. Our hearts scream, “This can’t be real!”
  • We feel sad, maybe lost.
  • Loneliness and heartache plague us.
  • We get angry at our loved one for leaving, at God for taking them from us, or at anyone we see as contributing to their death.
  • Our anxiety goes up.
  • Depression knocks.

It’s not business as usual. Our insides are being torn apart. It hurts.

 

Fifth, death is hard because of the guilt factor.

Death brings a bag of accusations and dumps them on us:

  • “If you had only…”
  • “You shouldn’t have…”
  • “Why didn’t you…?”

Guilt is a relentless monster, and not to be toyed with. It can suck our soul dry. It benefits no one, and keeps us stuck.

 

What can we do?

  • We can being by accepting the truth. Loss is hard. It’s supposed to be.
  • We can be nice to and patient with ourselves. We need that, more than ever.
  • We can find a way to forgive ourselves and send guilt packing. We must do this – for our own sake and for those we love.
  • We can cherish memories and tell our loved one’s stories. They live on, in and through us.
  • We can honor our loved ones on holidays and at special times.
  • While we’re missing the presence of our loved one, we can also bless those around us with our presence.

Why is death so hard? Love, that’s why.

I’m glad we had the privilege of loving someone precious, aren’t you? And we love them still…

Photo Credit: ©photodune.net

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