Loss is hard.
One of my best friends died at age 12 and left me in a fog. My dad’s death when I was 15 shattered my world. Every loss since has been difficult and sometimes traumatic. I felt punched in the gut or like I had been hit by a train.
Even if death was expected, it hits with the force of a tsunami.
Here are five reasons why death stuns us:
First, this life is all we’ve known.
We’ve spent all our lives on this planet, breathing this air and walking this earth. With death and things beyond, we’re in uncharted territory.
Faith can make a massive difference. Some have great peace about what’s next and a level of certainty about what’s beyond this life. Even then, death means separation from those we loved, even if it’s temporary. And that hurts.
Second, death is hard because of our culture.
Researchers of thanatology (the study of death) classify cultures as death-accepting, death-defying, or death-denying. Currently, the majority of North America falls into the death-denying category. We don’t think about it. We pretend it doesn’t exist. We don’t accept it. We see death as an intrusion – the destroyer of hopes, dreams, and relationships.
In other words, our cultural mindset doesn’t exactly prepare us for the realities of what we face when someone dies.
Third, death is hard because of the relational separation.
We’re created for relationship. Our lives are about people – our families, friends, and those we’ve known and related to over the years. This is our history.
Being torn away from those we love is a scary proposition. It’s traumatic, heartbreaking, and lonely.
Fourth, death is hard because it’s emotionally complicated.
Our emotions are all over the place:
- We’re shocked. Our hearts scream, “This can’t be real!”
- We feel sad, maybe lost.
- Loneliness and heartache plague us.
- We get angry at our loved one for leaving, at God for taking them from us, or at anyone we see as contributing to their death.
- Our anxiety goes up.
- Depression knocks.
It’s not business as usual. Our insides are being torn apart. It hurts.
Fifth, death is hard because of the guilt factor.
Death brings a bag of accusations and dumps them on us:
- “If you had only…”
- “You shouldn’t have…”
- “Why didn’t you…?”
Guilt is a relentless monster, and not to be toyed with. It can suck our soul dry. It benefits no one, and keeps us stuck.
What can we do?
- We can being by accepting the truth. Loss is hard. It’s supposed to be.
- We can be nice to and patient with ourselves. We need that, more than ever.
- We can find a way to forgive ourselves and send guilt packing. We must do this – for our own sake and for those we love.
- We can cherish memories and tell our loved one’s stories. They live on, in and through us.
- We can honor our loved ones on holidays and at special times.
- While we’re missing the presence of our loved one, we can also bless those around us with our presence.
Why is death so hard? Love, that’s why.
I’m glad we had the privilege of loving someone precious, aren’t you? And we love them still…
Photo Credit: ©photodune.net
Thanks Gary. I look forward for your posts. So thankful,for people that know how you feel. It’s tough and forever.????
Hi Grace. Thanks for sharing. It’s good to be in this together…thank goodness we’re not alone!
Thanks Gary. I look forward for your posts. So thankful,for people that know how you feel. It’s tough and forever.????
Hi Grace. Thanks for sharing. It’s good to be in this together…thank goodness we’re not alone!
Thanks Gary. I look forward for your posts. So thankful,for people that know how you feel. It’s tough and forever.????
Hi Grace. Thanks for sharing. It’s good to be in this together…thank goodness we’re not alone!
This is very good.i lost 8 family members in 4 1/2 years. They were all hard as I was close to them all. The worst were my Granny, my husband and my baby grandson. My Granny was always on my side & I loved my times with her. Our little grandsonwas only 36 hours old. I went thrust the “why” phase way too long. I was angry with God and the hospital and with myself. I was looking forward to growing old with my husband and I felt angry and cheated. My whole life changed in an instant & will never be the same. I was very angry.
You are right when you describe it as being punched in the same spot over and over!
But thru it all God spoke comfort to my heart thru dreams and people. I’ll never totally recover, but I have learned how to move forward.
Hi Betsy. I’m so glad for your faith. You sound like you are doing very well. That doesn’t mean it isn’t hard, but rather that you are leaning forward and allowing God to mend your heart in his time and in his way. That’s huge.
This is very good.i lost 8 family members in 4 1/2 years. They were all hard as I was close to them all. The worst were my Granny, my husband and my baby grandson. My Granny was always on my side & I loved my times with her. Our little grandsonwas only 36 hours old. I went thrust the “why” phase way too long. I was angry with God and the hospital and with myself. I was looking forward to growing old with my husband and I felt angry and cheated. My whole life changed in an instant & will never be the same. I was very angry.
You are right when you describe it as being punched in the same spot over and over!
But thru it all God spoke comfort to my heart thru dreams and people. I’ll never totally recover, but I have learned how to move forward.
Hi Betsy. I’m so glad for your faith. You sound like you are doing very well. That doesn’t mean it isn’t hard, but rather that you are leaning forward and allowing God to mend your heart in his time and in his way. That’s huge.
This is very good.i lost 8 family members in 4 1/2 years. They were all hard as I was close to them all. The worst were my Granny, my husband and my baby grandson. My Granny was always on my side & I loved my times with her. Our little grandsonwas only 36 hours old. I went thrust the “why” phase way too long. I was angry with God and the hospital and with myself. I was looking forward to growing old with my husband and I felt angry and cheated. My whole life changed in an instant & will never be the same. I was very angry.
You are right when you describe it as being punched in the same spot over and over!
But thru it all God spoke comfort to my heart thru dreams and people. I’ll never totally recover, but I have learned how to move forward.
Hi Betsy. I’m so glad for your faith. You sound like you are doing very well. That doesn’t mean it isn’t hard, but rather that you are leaning forward and allowing God to mend your heart in his time and in his way. That’s huge.
Thanks Gary, death is something we will never understand. Lost my dad when I was 10, that was my first death to live through. Lost 2 brothers and my brother in law through cancer, then my stepdad. My mom died 5 years ago and my sis 3 years. Those two shattered my life, I feel like an uncomplete person without my mom and sis.
Hi Rina. Goodness. What huge losses. I’m so sorry. Please be very nice to yourself. This is very tough stuff.
Thanks Gary, death is something we will never understand. Lost my dad when I was 10, that was my first death to live through. Lost 2 brothers and my brother in law through cancer, then my stepdad. My mom died 5 years ago and my sis 3 years. Those two shattered my life, I feel like an uncomplete person without my mom and sis.
Hi Rina. Goodness. What huge losses. I’m so sorry. Please be very nice to yourself. This is very tough stuff.
Thanks Gary, death is something we will never understand. Lost my dad when I was 10, that was my first death to live through. Lost 2 brothers and my brother in law through cancer, then my stepdad. My mom died 5 years ago and my sis 3 years. Those two shattered my life, I feel like an uncomplete person without my mom and sis.
Hi Rina. Goodness. What huge losses. I’m so sorry. Please be very nice to yourself. This is very tough stuff.
After 1-1/2 years this is the hardest thing I have ever lived thru. We were married for 50 years and half of me is gone. I think I went into denial the day he was diagnosed and I haven’t come out of it yet. I went to a Grief Counselor today but they always say the same thing. Do this, do that – I have no desire to do anything. I just want to be alone and not involved in anything. Yes, sometimes I feel I am losing it and I don’t know how to live without him. My doctor wants me to go on Prozac which I am not in favor of; I don’t know what to do now.
HI Martha. Thanks for sharing. I’m so sorry about all the pain and everything else you’re enduring. Many spouses report that the second year is more challenging than the first. I like to say that the grief of the second year is different – and in some ways feels deeper and more painful. The loss is really settling in. Our hearts are getting the message that this is real, and it’s devastating. Please continue to stay connected to people who care about you, and process the grief as best you can. Over time, this “grief work” will pay off. Again, I’m so sorry.
GARY, THIS 2ND YEAR IS TOUGH. I WENT TO PUT FLOWERS O GARY’S GRAVE THIS WEEK AND IT WAS HARDER TAN LASN LAST YEAR I AM TRYING TO MOVE ON AND AM WORKING AS AVOLUNTEER WITH HOSPICE. IT IS NOT EASY BUT MAYBE I CAN HELP SOMEONE ALONG THE WAAY. PLEASE CONTINUE TO REMEMBER ME IN YOUR PRAYERS
Hi Martha. Praying for you now. And yes, it can be harder, in some ways, the 2nd year. It’s definitely different, as the loss sinks into our hearts a little deeper. I’m so sorry. Thank you for serving. That helps heal your own heart more than you know.
THANKS GARY. I AM DOING VLUNTEEER WORK WITH HOSPICE MAYBE I CAN HELP SOMEONE ALONG THE WAY.
Hi Martha. Good for you! Thank you! And yes, I’m certain you are already helping others far more than you realize! Blessings…
After 1-1/2 years this is the hardest thing I have ever lived thru. We were married for 50 years and half of me is gone. I think I went into denial the day he was diagnosed and I haven’t come out of it yet. I went to a Grief Counselor today but they always say the same thing. Do this, do that – I have no desire to do anything. I just want to be alone and not involved in anything. Yes, sometimes I feel I am losing it and I don’t know how to live without him. My doctor wants me to go on Prozac which I am not in favor of; I don’t know what to do now.
HI Martha. Thanks for sharing. I’m so sorry about all the pain and everything else you’re enduring. Many spouses report that the second year is more challenging than the first. I like to say that the grief of the second year is different – and in some ways feels deeper and more painful. The loss is really settling in. Our hearts are getting the message that this is real, and it’s devastating. Please continue to stay connected to people who care about you, and process the grief as best you can. Over time, this “grief work” will pay off. Again, I’m so sorry.
GARY, THIS 2ND YEAR IS TOUGH. I WENT TO PUT FLOWERS O GARY’S GRAVE THIS WEEK AND IT WAS HARDER TAN LASN LAST YEAR I AM TRYING TO MOVE ON AND AM WORKING AS AVOLUNTEER WITH HOSPICE. IT IS NOT EASY BUT MAYBE I CAN HELP SOMEONE ALONG THE WAAY. PLEASE CONTINUE TO REMEMBER ME IN YOUR PRAYERS
Hi Martha. Praying for you now. And yes, it can be harder, in some ways, the 2nd year. It’s definitely different, as the loss sinks into our hearts a little deeper. I’m so sorry. Thank you for serving. That helps heal your own heart more than you know.
THANKS GARY. I AM DOING VLUNTEEER WORK WITH HOSPICE MAYBE I CAN HELP SOMEONE ALONG THE WAY.
Hi Martha. Good for you! Thank you! And yes, I’m certain you are already helping others far more than you realize! Blessings…
After 1-1/2 years this is the hardest thing I have ever lived thru. We were married for 50 years and half of me is gone. I think I went into denial the day he was diagnosed and I haven’t come out of it yet. I went to a Grief Counselor today but they always say the same thing. Do this, do that – I have no desire to do anything. I just want to be alone and not involved in anything. Yes, sometimes I feel I am losing it and I don’t know how to live without him. My doctor wants me to go on Prozac which I am not in favor of; I don’t know what to do now.
HI Martha. Thanks for sharing. I’m so sorry about all the pain and everything else you’re enduring. Many spouses report that the second year is more challenging than the first. I like to say that the grief of the second year is different – and in some ways feels deeper and more painful. The loss is really settling in. Our hearts are getting the message that this is real, and it’s devastating. Please continue to stay connected to people who care about you, and process the grief as best you can. Over time, this “grief work” will pay off. Again, I’m so sorry.
GARY, THIS 2ND YEAR IS TOUGH. I WENT TO PUT FLOWERS O GARY’S GRAVE THIS WEEK AND IT WAS HARDER TAN LASN LAST YEAR I AM TRYING TO MOVE ON AND AM WORKING AS AVOLUNTEER WITH HOSPICE. IT IS NOT EASY BUT MAYBE I CAN HELP SOMEONE ALONG THE WAAY. PLEASE CONTINUE TO REMEMBER ME IN YOUR PRAYERS
Hi Martha. Praying for you now. And yes, it can be harder, in some ways, the 2nd year. It’s definitely different, as the loss sinks into our hearts a little deeper. I’m so sorry. Thank you for serving. That helps heal your own heart more than you know.
THANKS GARY. I AM DOING VLUNTEEER WORK WITH HOSPICE MAYBE I CAN HELP SOMEONE ALONG THE WAY.
Hi Martha. Good for you! Thank you! And yes, I’m certain you are already helping others far more than you realize! Blessings…
Spot on, Gary! Sharing (with attribution) to my FB page for widows and my Pinterest board.
Hi Mary. Thanks for your encouragement, and for sharing. We’re definitely in this together!
Spot on, Gary! Sharing (with attribution) to my FB page for widows and my Pinterest board.
Hi Mary. Thanks for your encouragement, and for sharing. We’re definitely in this together!
Spot on, Gary! Sharing (with attribution) to my FB page for widows and my Pinterest board.
Hi Mary. Thanks for your encouragement, and for sharing. We’re definitely in this together!
Oh I went thru the I saw that but
But why didn’t I
Maybe if
Looking back now……
Thank you Gary for making this journey a bit easier.
HI Nichole. Yes, we have those “wonderings.” And they circle around in our minds. Our hearts are trying to make sense of things. Thanks for sharing, Nichole.
Oh I went thru the I saw that but
But why didn’t I
Maybe if
Looking back now……
Thank you Gary for making this journey a bit easier.
HI Nichole. Yes, we have those “wonderings.” And they circle around in our minds. Our hearts are trying to make sense of things. Thanks for sharing, Nichole.
Oh I went thru the I saw that but
But why didn’t I
Maybe if
Looking back now……
Thank you Gary for making this journey a bit easier.
HI Nichole. Yes, we have those “wonderings.” And they circle around in our minds. Our hearts are trying to make sense of things. Thanks for sharing, Nichole.