Fear. Worry.
One leads to the other, and then back and forth.
Life is tough. Our hearts get hit. Losses abound. If we’re not careful, fear can take up residence. Worry can paralyze us. We can’t afford that.
Worry can gobble a life
Larry was diagnosed with MS in his early thirties. He adapted courageously for more than twenty years, then declined quickly. When I first visited as his hospice chaplain, his life consisted of sitting motionless in his recliner, dependent on others to move even the pillows under his arms and behind his head.
Yet, he still managed a smile every time I walked in.
During one visit, I was distracted by something that happened earlier in the day. I looked up at one point, and Larry was gazing hard at my face.
“Gary, you’ve got a worried look. Something troubling you?” he asked.
With a sigh, I said, “I’m sorry, Larry. As a matter of fact, yes.”
“Worry is bad stuff,” he said, shaking his head. “It will eat your mind.” Then he promptly changed the subject.
Larry was right. Worry is terrible stuff. It preys on our fears. It fills our mental spaces with “what if.” It dupes us into expending vast amounts of energy trying to keep something bad from happening. It gobbles up our life.
Some suggestions on dealing with worry
When you’re hurting, worry is definitely not your friend. In fact, I don’t think it ever is.
How do you deal with it? Here’s some suggestions:
- Realize that you’re vulnerable. You’re enduring a loss. Life isn’t what it used to be. Pain and grief are fertile ground for worry. Your heart is naturally more vulnerable.
- Breathe deeply. Breathing in deeply though your nose and then out through your mouth activates your parasympathetic nervous system and initiates a calming effect throughout your body. It slows the mind down.
- List the things you’re concerned about. Don’t just think about them, but get them out and on paper. This too keeps the mind from running ahead. There’s something about seeing our fears on paper in front of us that unplugs some of the terror.
- Which concerns do you have no control over? Write a big “NC” (no control) by them. These are the ones that your heart will demand that you let go of, sooner or later.
- Of the things you DO have some control over, which one of them is bugging you the most? Put a star next to it. Ask yourself, “What action can I take here?” It may be as simple as talking to someone about it.
- Once you take action on one item, go to the next most troublesome one and do the same thing.
And so on…
Take your time and pace yourself
Take your time. Life saps us and sometimes leaves little emotional energy for conquering the big stuff. Pace yourself.
And keep your list. Each time you look at it, let the “NC” labels be a reminder that you’re not in charge of that one or in control of it. This will help you release it over time.
Add to the list as needed. More things will come up as time moves on. Over time, you’ll be amazed at how much you’ve released and how much action you’ve taken.
Worry has stolen enough already
“Worry is bad stuff. It will eat your mind,” Larry said.
True. Worry has stolen enough of our lives already. It’s time to take action. Make that list. You’ll be glad you did.
Question: What have you found helpful in dealing with fear and worry?
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When I sometimes worry about our adult children and the choices they make, I always try to pray and give these concerns to the Lord. I never offer advice unless they ask. I believe that God is in control, and He can’t handle all these issues. He alone can calm our hearts. He loves our children more than we do or anyone else.
I make a habit of praying for our family daily and also others. Prayer is so vital–it helps me keep a good perspective. I try to love unconditionally, help and motivate our children to love God and others.
I have come to realize that while I cannot control anyone or anything, God does. I am so thankful that I can cast every care to Him.
Hi Eve. Thanks for sharing. Yes, control is an illusion. We don’t even cause our own hearts to beat. As we do what we can, and release the rest, peace comes over time. God proves himself faithful, time and again. If there’s anything I can ever do for you, please let me know. Praying for you now…
When I sometimes worry about our adult children and the choices they make, I always try to pray and give these concerns to the Lord. I never offer advice unless they ask. I believe that God is in control, and He can’t handle all these issues. He alone can calm our hearts. He loves our children more than we do or anyone else.
I make a habit of praying for our family daily and also others. Prayer is so vital–it helps me keep a good perspective. I try to love unconditionally, help and motivate our children to love God and others.
I have come to realize that while I cannot control anyone or anything, God does. I am so thankful that I can cast every care to Him.
Hi Eve. Thanks for sharing. Yes, control is an illusion. We don’t even cause our own hearts to beat. As we do what we can, and release the rest, peace comes over time. God proves himself faithful, time and again. If there’s anything I can ever do for you, please let me know. Praying for you now…
When I sometimes worry about our adult children and the choices they make, I always try to pray and give these concerns to the Lord. I never offer advice unless they ask. I believe that God is in control, and He can’t handle all these issues. He alone can calm our hearts. He loves our children more than we do or anyone else.
I make a habit of praying for our family daily and also others. Prayer is so vital–it helps me keep a good perspective. I try to love unconditionally, help and motivate our children to love God and others.
I have come to realize that while I cannot control anyone or anything, God does. I am so thankful that I can cast every care to Him.
Hi Eve. Thanks for sharing. Yes, control is an illusion. We don’t even cause our own hearts to beat. As we do what we can, and release the rest, peace comes over time. God proves himself faithful, time and again. If there’s anything I can ever do for you, please let me know. Praying for you now…
Just giving it to God. That is hard too. But he has my husband now God is stuck with me.
Hi Teresa. Good for you. Yes, we need to release as much as we can, and even the releasing takes guts – faith more than anything. This is tough stuff. God loves you more than you can know or realize. He will see you through this, day by day. Praying for you now…
Just giving it to God. That is hard too. But he has my husband now God is stuck with me.
Hi Teresa. Good for you. Yes, we need to release as much as we can, and even the releasing takes guts – faith more than anything. This is tough stuff. God loves you more than you can know or realize. He will see you through this, day by day. Praying for you now…
Just giving it to God. That is hard too. But he has my husband now God is stuck with me.
Hi Teresa. Good for you. Yes, we need to release as much as we can, and even the releasing takes guts – faith more than anything. This is tough stuff. God loves you more than you can know or realize. He will see you through this, day by day. Praying for you now…
Thanks Gary. This time of year I worry & fret about gathering info for IRS as a widow. So many business decisions to be made alone & fear I won’t make good decisions. This brings up anger & anxiety. Much prayer is required. Thank you for your encouragement
.
Hi Evelyn. Thank you for sharing. I’ve heard similar things from many widows. You are not alone, though I know you know that. It can be so unnerving and frustrating. I’m so sorry. If I can ever help, please let me know. Blessings to you…
Thanks Gary. This time of year I worry & fret about gathering info for IRS as a widow. So many business decisions to be made alone & fear I won’t make good decisions. This brings up anger & anxiety. Much prayer is required. Thank you for your encouragement
.
Hi Evelyn. Thank you for sharing. I’ve heard similar things from many widows. You are not alone, though I know you know that. It can be so unnerving and frustrating. I’m so sorry. If I can ever help, please let me know. Blessings to you…
Thanks Gary. This time of year I worry & fret about gathering info for IRS as a widow. So many business decisions to be made alone & fear I won’t make good decisions. This brings up anger & anxiety. Much prayer is required. Thank you for your encouragement
.
Hi Evelyn. Thank you for sharing. I’ve heard similar things from many widows. You are not alone, though I know you know that. It can be so unnerving and frustrating. I’m so sorry. If I can ever help, please let me know. Blessings to you…
I haven’t ever made a list. Ron has been gone for 18 months now and I am getting more overwhelmed. When I am away from home…I have good intentions of going home and getting things done. When I get home…I just miss him so much, all I do is just sleep or sit and do nothing. Yes, I have adult children. They could care less. I don’t know what good I am anymore.
Hi Chandra. Thank you for sharing. Overwhelm – yes, we experience a lot of that, periodically, and at different times. I’m so sorry. This is so hard. And it can be so lonely. Please be very kind to yourself and patient with yourself in this process. Get around some good, safe people and let them listen to and support you. You are not alone. Blessings to you today…
I haven’t ever made a list. Ron has been gone for 18 months now and I am getting more overwhelmed. When I am away from home…I have good intentions of going home and getting things done. When I get home…I just miss him so much, all I do is just sleep or sit and do nothing. Yes, I have adult children. They could care less. I don’t know what good I am anymore.
Hi Chandra. Thank you for sharing. Overwhelm – yes, we experience a lot of that, periodically, and at different times. I’m so sorry. This is so hard. And it can be so lonely. Please be very kind to yourself and patient with yourself in this process. Get around some good, safe people and let them listen to and support you. You are not alone. Blessings to you today…
I haven’t ever made a list. Ron has been gone for 18 months now and I am getting more overwhelmed. When I am away from home…I have good intentions of going home and getting things done. When I get home…I just miss him so much, all I do is just sleep or sit and do nothing. Yes, I have adult children. They could care less. I don’t know what good I am anymore.
Hi Chandra. Thank you for sharing. Overwhelm – yes, we experience a lot of that, periodically, and at different times. I’m so sorry. This is so hard. And it can be so lonely. Please be very kind to yourself and patient with yourself in this process. Get around some good, safe people and let them listen to and support you. You are not alone. Blessings to you today…
With losing my only child, at the age of 16, 23 months ago today. I find my main worry now is my future. I’m unmarried, no other children, no hope of grandchildren. I’m in a relationship that makes me happy but seems to be going nowhere for a real solid future together. (I would love to spend my life with this man, but it’s not his desire.) This may be something I have no control over, but I feel I should be taking action or making choices to create a future for myself. I’m scared of everything, scared of being alone forever especially. I’m not very social, I don’t seek out activities with others, social anxiety has gotten worse since the loss of my child. Making decisions is so difficult for me. I feel stuck where I am, and don’t know my first step. Advise welcome.
Hi Denise. Thank you for sharing. Yes, the loss of a child can create all the things you mentioned that you are battling with. Such a huge, massive, unsettling loss. And I applaud you for wanting to lean forward and make some proactive decisions regarding your future. Is there anyone where you are that you can sit down with and bounce some ideas off of? Anyone who is safe, and that will listen to you without judgment? Find a person like that. You’re going to need them. In addition, you might want to create a list of what you would like to see happen, and then rank them in order of heart-importance for you. And then ask what’s the next small step toward #1. Take that step. And then what’s the next step, and so on. Taking things in small, bite size chunks can help. Also, getting things down on paper gets it out of our heads and can help ease some of that mental spinning. And please, reach out any time for help. You are not alone, and you are worth it!
With losing my only child, at the age of 16, 23 months ago today. I find my main worry now is my future. I’m unmarried, no other children, no hope of grandchildren. I’m in a relationship that makes me happy but seems to be going nowhere for a real solid future together. (I would love to spend my life with this man, but it’s not his desire.) This may be something I have no control over, but I feel I should be taking action or making choices to create a future for myself. I’m scared of everything, scared of being alone forever especially. I’m not very social, I don’t seek out activities with others, social anxiety has gotten worse since the loss of my child. Making decisions is so difficult for me. I feel stuck where I am, and don’t know my first step. Advise welcome.
Hi Denise. Thank you for sharing. Yes, the loss of a child can create all the things you mentioned that you are battling with. Such a huge, massive, unsettling loss. And I applaud you for wanting to lean forward and make some proactive decisions regarding your future. Is there anyone where you are that you can sit down with and bounce some ideas off of? Anyone who is safe, and that will listen to you without judgment? Find a person like that. You’re going to need them. In addition, you might want to create a list of what you would like to see happen, and then rank them in order of heart-importance for you. And then ask what’s the next small step toward #1. Take that step. And then what’s the next step, and so on. Taking things in small, bite size chunks can help. Also, getting things down on paper gets it out of our heads and can help ease some of that mental spinning. And please, reach out any time for help. You are not alone, and you are worth it!
With losing my only child, at the age of 16, 23 months ago today. I find my main worry now is my future. I’m unmarried, no other children, no hope of grandchildren. I’m in a relationship that makes me happy but seems to be going nowhere for a real solid future together. (I would love to spend my life with this man, but it’s not his desire.) This may be something I have no control over, but I feel I should be taking action or making choices to create a future for myself. I’m scared of everything, scared of being alone forever especially. I’m not very social, I don’t seek out activities with others, social anxiety has gotten worse since the loss of my child. Making decisions is so difficult for me. I feel stuck where I am, and don’t know my first step. Advise welcome.
Hi Denise. Thank you for sharing. Yes, the loss of a child can create all the things you mentioned that you are battling with. Such a huge, massive, unsettling loss. And I applaud you for wanting to lean forward and make some proactive decisions regarding your future. Is there anyone where you are that you can sit down with and bounce some ideas off of? Anyone who is safe, and that will listen to you without judgment? Find a person like that. You’re going to need them. In addition, you might want to create a list of what you would like to see happen, and then rank them in order of heart-importance for you. And then ask what’s the next small step toward #1. Take that step. And then what’s the next step, and so on. Taking things in small, bite size chunks can help. Also, getting things down on paper gets it out of our heads and can help ease some of that mental spinning. And please, reach out any time for help. You are not alone, and you are worth it!
Talking about fear and worry seems to relieve something inside of me. Just holding it all in is and has not helped.
Thank you.
HI Shirley. Me too. Just putting things into words and getting it “out” somehow has real power. Hope you are doing well. Blessings to you…
Talking about fear and worry seems to relieve something inside of me. Just holding it all in is and has not helped.
Thank you.
HI Shirley. Me too. Just putting things into words and getting it “out” somehow has real power. Hope you are doing well. Blessings to you…
Talking about fear and worry seems to relieve something inside of me. Just holding it all in is and has not helped.
Thank you.
HI Shirley. Me too. Just putting things into words and getting it “out” somehow has real power. Hope you are doing well. Blessings to you…
It’s amazing to me, not only when I connect with someone that I know really “gets it”, but when the timing of something they share is as perfect as it gets. This is you today, Gary, and I thank you for that.
It’s coming up on 2 years since losing my cherished husband… I am somewhat stuck living in a situation that brings me great stress and worry, yet I am afraid to make the big decisions of where to go (I have grown children living in 2 different states – and I am in neither) and when. So I stay stuck and unhappy. I need to make this list yesterday.
Thank you again; for this reminder, and all that you do to help others.
Roxanne
Hi Roxanne. Thank you for sharing, and for your encouragement. I really appreciate your kind words and support, more than you know. And I’m so proud of you. One step at a time. As we take that one step, the next step often becomes more clear. I keep wanting to jump ahead, but there is no leap-frog allowed in this game – only step by step, one at a time. I think I have to learn this every day. Please feel free to reach out anytime, Roxanne. Blessings to you…
It’s amazing to me, not only when I connect with someone that I know really “gets it”, but when the timing of something they share is as perfect as it gets. This is you today, Gary, and I thank you for that.
It’s coming up on 2 years since losing my cherished husband… I am somewhat stuck living in a situation that brings me great stress and worry, yet I am afraid to make the big decisions of where to go (I have grown children living in 2 different states – and I am in neither) and when. So I stay stuck and unhappy. I need to make this list yesterday.
Thank you again; for this reminder, and all that you do to help others.
Roxanne
Hi Roxanne. Thank you for sharing, and for your encouragement. I really appreciate your kind words and support, more than you know. And I’m so proud of you. One step at a time. As we take that one step, the next step often becomes more clear. I keep wanting to jump ahead, but there is no leap-frog allowed in this game – only step by step, one at a time. I think I have to learn this every day. Please feel free to reach out anytime, Roxanne. Blessings to you…
It’s amazing to me, not only when I connect with someone that I know really “gets it”, but when the timing of something they share is as perfect as it gets. This is you today, Gary, and I thank you for that.
It’s coming up on 2 years since losing my cherished husband… I am somewhat stuck living in a situation that brings me great stress and worry, yet I am afraid to make the big decisions of where to go (I have grown children living in 2 different states – and I am in neither) and when. So I stay stuck and unhappy. I need to make this list yesterday.
Thank you again; for this reminder, and all that you do to help others.
Roxanne
Hi Roxanne. Thank you for sharing, and for your encouragement. I really appreciate your kind words and support, more than you know. And I’m so proud of you. One step at a time. As we take that one step, the next step often becomes more clear. I keep wanting to jump ahead, but there is no leap-frog allowed in this game – only step by step, one at a time. I think I have to learn this every day. Please feel free to reach out anytime, Roxanne. Blessings to you…
The thought that worry eats your mind. Helpful suggestion to make a list with the NC and star. Something to do about it. I am still in a very deep grief stage. My loss of Gene to me doesn’t seem real. He is still here, can’t accept he is gone.
HI Gayleen. Thanks for sharing. In many ways, I’m glad Gene still feels so close to you. I’m not surprised, given the long, deep relationship and marriage you had. I’m so sorry. Please feel free to continue to reach out. Blessings to you today…
The thought that worry eats your mind. Helpful suggestion to make a list with the NC and star. Something to do about it. I am still in a very deep grief stage. My loss of Gene to me doesn’t seem real. He is still here, can’t accept he is gone.
HI Gayleen. Thanks for sharing. In many ways, I’m glad Gene still feels so close to you. I’m not surprised, given the long, deep relationship and marriage you had. I’m so sorry. Please feel free to continue to reach out. Blessings to you today…
The thought that worry eats your mind. Helpful suggestion to make a list with the NC and star. Something to do about it. I am still in a very deep grief stage. My loss of Gene to me doesn’t seem real. He is still here, can’t accept he is gone.
HI Gayleen. Thanks for sharing. In many ways, I’m glad Gene still feels so close to you. I’m not surprised, given the long, deep relationship and marriage you had. I’m so sorry. Please feel free to continue to reach out. Blessings to you today…
I am not dealing very well with worry, it mistly consumes me and my life but I am seeking help, just not sure if there is much help for my troubled mind. Thanks
Hi Deb. Thank you for sharing. Yes, I have felt similar things at several times. It can be so, well, scary and discouraging. Yes, there is help. As you take one step at a time, it will become clear. The help will most likely come in unexpected ways from unexpected sources, but it will come. Keep reaching out. Take your heart seriously. And be very patient with yourself. And reach out here any time, Deb. You are not alone. Blessings…
I am not dealing very well with worry, it mistly consumes me and my life but I am seeking help, just not sure if there is much help for my troubled mind. Thanks
Hi Deb. Thank you for sharing. Yes, I have felt similar things at several times. It can be so, well, scary and discouraging. Yes, there is help. As you take one step at a time, it will become clear. The help will most likely come in unexpected ways from unexpected sources, but it will come. Keep reaching out. Take your heart seriously. And be very patient with yourself. And reach out here any time, Deb. You are not alone. Blessings…
I am not dealing very well with worry, it mistly consumes me and my life but I am seeking help, just not sure if there is much help for my troubled mind. Thanks
Hi Deb. Thank you for sharing. Yes, I have felt similar things at several times. It can be so, well, scary and discouraging. Yes, there is help. As you take one step at a time, it will become clear. The help will most likely come in unexpected ways from unexpected sources, but it will come. Keep reaching out. Take your heart seriously. And be very patient with yourself. And reach out here any time, Deb. You are not alone. Blessings…
Fear and worry about financial stuff. Always have even as a kid, tho never a reason for it.
Fear and worry about my kids after I’m gone. Oldest has aspergers, youngest lives 1200 miles away. Communication is porr between all of us. I’ve tried to open up dialog to break family tradition, but older one doesn’t talk much and younger one clanms up. Neither terribly financially responsible. Youngest will be in charge of oldests finances once I’m gone.
And I guess by biggest fear is that my time left here before being with my husband will be way more than I can handle. It’s “only” been 29 months and I’ve had more than enough.
Thanks, Gary.
HI Barb. Thanks for sharing. Wow. That sounds so heavy. I can relate to the Aspergers challenges, and know what that means – at least somewhat. Sounds like you are trying on so many fronts, with very limited positive results. How frustrating. Please release what you can. Grief is heavy enough. And please continue to stay connected. Sometimes, honestly, thing are more than we can handle. It sort of brings us to the end of ourselves. And that juncture, it’s amazing how help will come and solutions will present themselves. Hope is never very far away, but sometimes we can’t see it. Hang in there. Please keep being patient with yourself! Blessings…
Fear and worry about financial stuff. Always have even as a kid, tho never a reason for it.
Fear and worry about my kids after I’m gone. Oldest has aspergers, youngest lives 1200 miles away. Communication is porr between all of us. I’ve tried to open up dialog to break family tradition, but older one doesn’t talk much and younger one clanms up. Neither terribly financially responsible. Youngest will be in charge of oldests finances once I’m gone.
And I guess by biggest fear is that my time left here before being with my husband will be way more than I can handle. It’s “only” been 29 months and I’ve had more than enough.
Thanks, Gary.
HI Barb. Thanks for sharing. Wow. That sounds so heavy. I can relate to the Aspergers challenges, and know what that means – at least somewhat. Sounds like you are trying on so many fronts, with very limited positive results. How frustrating. Please release what you can. Grief is heavy enough. And please continue to stay connected. Sometimes, honestly, thing are more than we can handle. It sort of brings us to the end of ourselves. And that juncture, it’s amazing how help will come and solutions will present themselves. Hope is never very far away, but sometimes we can’t see it. Hang in there. Please keep being patient with yourself! Blessings…
Fear and worry about financial stuff. Always have even as a kid, tho never a reason for it.
Fear and worry about my kids after I’m gone. Oldest has aspergers, youngest lives 1200 miles away. Communication is porr between all of us. I’ve tried to open up dialog to break family tradition, but older one doesn’t talk much and younger one clanms up. Neither terribly financially responsible. Youngest will be in charge of oldests finances once I’m gone.
And I guess by biggest fear is that my time left here before being with my husband will be way more than I can handle. It’s “only” been 29 months and I’ve had more than enough.
Thanks, Gary.
HI Barb. Thanks for sharing. Wow. That sounds so heavy. I can relate to the Aspergers challenges, and know what that means – at least somewhat. Sounds like you are trying on so many fronts, with very limited positive results. How frustrating. Please release what you can. Grief is heavy enough. And please continue to stay connected. Sometimes, honestly, thing are more than we can handle. It sort of brings us to the end of ourselves. And that juncture, it’s amazing how help will come and solutions will present themselves. Hope is never very far away, but sometimes we can’t see it. Hang in there. Please keep being patient with yourself! Blessings…