It’s amazing how many times I have to “learn” something.
Recently, I traveled to Colorado Springs and joined friend and New York Times Bestseller Cecil Murphey for a radio taping with Focus on the Family. The topic was healing from childhood sexual abuse.
I hadn’t spoken on abuse in a while, but I live with the results every day. The pain is there, right under the surface, waiting for a trigger. In this case, I would be doing the triggering, deliberately going back into all that…again.
As my wife Jen and I were driving up to Colorado, I asked myself, “Why am I doing this?”
The answer came quickly: healing.
A Journey of Healing
Ironically, the 800 mile route went through my hometown. We got off the highway and drove to the house I grew up in, where much of the abuse happened. As I parked in front, grief and pain washed over me. Yet the house didn’t look as big as I remembered.
Then we drove across town to find another “house of horrors” from my childhood. It was gone, an empty lot in its place. I could almost see its shadow still looming there.
The next morning before the interview, I had an anxiety attack. I knew what was happening. My mind and body were preparing to go “back there” again.
The people at Focus were wonderful. Their hospitality and kindness put my heart at ease. Halfway through the interview, the pain hit and the tears came, followed quickly by a strong sense of the love of God and other people in my life. I saw again all I had been rescued out of.
On the return trip, we stopped at my dad’s grave. Emotion gushed out of every pore, even though he’s been gone almost 40 years. Of course, the grief wasn’t just about dad. Grief is never that simple.
We arrived home drained, but encouraged.
Six Things I Learned about Grief and Healing…Again
Through this experience, I was reminded of some truths about grief and healing:
- Healing takes guts. It’s scary and painful. Facing life as it is takes courage.
- Some wounds heal, but the scars remain. And they hurt when life bumps them. These scars say, “It happened, and it mattered.”
- Healing takes time. It’s more a journey than a destination. To see healing as anything but a lifelong adventure only sets us up for frustration and disappointment.
- Healing occurs as pain is processed. Each time we talk, share, and write, we heal a little more. Others hear, decide they’re not alone or crazy, and begin to believe healing is possible. It’s a win-win.
- Healing happens as we turn our pain outward. Extraordinary things occur when we intentionally help others heal while we ourselves are hurting. We can use our grief instead of letting it rule us.
- Healing is worth it. The benefits along the way are astonishing – for us, those we love, and those we haven’t even met yet.
As we heal, pain’s grip weakens. Our grief house won’t seem as large or daunting as it once did. Perhaps one day we’ll find a clean, empty lot where our pain used to be.
In the meantime, we help each other heal – moment-by-moment, day-by-day.
Healing is possible, and it’s closer than we think.
NEWS POINTS:
- Gary and Cecil’s interview will air on Focus on the Family radio May 19-20 and will be streamed live on Focus’ website.
- Thanks to you, Gary’s new book, Heartbroken, became an Amazon Top 10 Bestseller (Grief and Loss). If you don’t have it, grab your copy on Amazon or a personalized copy from Gary here.
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God bless you, Gary Roe.
I have been in a house like that too. And another time in the hospital. Age 8.
You are not alone and I thank God for you and your courage to help others while continuing to heal on your own journey.
~kim Waggoner
Hi Kim. You certainly have a gift for encouragement! Thank you for your kind words. I really, really appreciate it. Glad to be in this with you…
True words.. the pain can spring up from the past without warning but I don’t let it consume me as it has. The hurt and grief will always be there but I am able to push through when it hits. I give myself permission to fall apart and cry and then I bind up my wounds until it hits again. Thanks for sharing and caring.
Hi Sandy. Well said. Wonderfully put. Thank you for sharing. You are doing well…better than you know. Keep giving yourself that permission to fall apart. It’s the quickest way back up again. Thanks for being real. Please feel free to share here any time. Blessings to you…
I disagree with the term healing….I don’t feel that one ever heals from the grip of grief. For grief is an emotional handicap that you carry with you Always…
Love you Gary..J. Wines
Hi Judy. I get that. I too don’t believe that full and total healing occurs in this life. And if by healing we mean having things the way they were, well, I don’t think that’s healing either. I guess I view healing as being able to move forward, to live on, and to grow through the grief, and partially as a result of the grief. Yes, you’re right. On some level, we never stop grieving. How could we?
I disagree with the term healing….I don’t feel that one ever heals from the grip of grief. For grief is an emotional handicap that you carry with you Always…
Love you Gary..J. Wines
Hi Judy. I get that. I too don’t believe that full and total healing occurs in this life. And if by healing we mean having things the way they were, well, I don’t think that’s healing either. I guess I view healing as being able to move forward, to live on, and to grow through the grief, and partially as a result of the grief. Yes, you’re right. On some level, we never stop grieving. How could we?
Thanks for sharing. Grief is loss, and it is not always a person. I pray that you wounds will be less tender, but the scars are a reminder, that others need the compassion that only someone who has experienced this trauma can understand and be helpful to others. God bless you for helping so many of us thru the healing process
HI Betty. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. Thankfully, healing is not only possible, it’s real. We heal, with holes in our hearts, and we learn to walk forward in faith. And then God does something amazing – He uses our holes to bring comfort and healing to others. Now, that’s miraculous.
Thanks for sharing. Grief is loss, and it is not always a person. I pray that you wounds will be less tender, but the scars are a reminder, that others need the compassion that only someone who has experienced this trauma can understand and be helpful to others. God bless you for helping so many of us thru the healing process
HI Betty. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. Thankfully, healing is not only possible, it’s real. We heal, with holes in our hearts, and we learn to walk forward in faith. And then God does something amazing – He uses our holes to bring comfort and healing to others. Now, that’s miraculous.
I grew up in abuse and have dealt with “flashbacks” too. And used to think something was wrong with me. Its nice to know I’m not alone!
Hi Rosie. I’m so sorry. And no, you are not alone. Far, far from it.
I grew up in abuse and have dealt with “flashbacks” too. And used to think something was wrong with me. Its nice to know I’m not alone!
Hi Rosie. I’m so sorry. And no, you are not alone. Far, far from it.
Gary,
I understand exactly what you mean about the “pain being there, right under the surface, waiting for a trigger”.
I’m thankful that you and Cec have been willing to open your pain up, purposefully, for the healing of those of us who have similar pain “right under the surface”.
Hey Mark. Good to hear from you. Yes, it’s always there, isn’t it? We’re in this together. Thank goodness. Thank you for your encouragement. It means a lot.
Gary,
I understand exactly what you mean about the “pain being there, right under the surface, waiting for a trigger”.
I’m thankful that you and Cec have been willing to open your pain up, purposefully, for the healing of those of us who have similar pain “right under the surface”.
Hey Mark. Good to hear from you. Yes, it’s always there, isn’t it? We’re in this together. Thank goodness. Thank you for your encouragement. It means a lot.
Gary,
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry that you had to face that horror again. But you are strong in God.. I will mark my calendar for the airing. I have a long road ahead and with God by my side I will survive. Since I have no family left for support I’m planning on grief counseling. It’s been a long lonely road. Hope to hear from you soon. Prayers to you.
Hi Cathey. Thanks for responding and for your encouragement. Yes, you will survive. God walks with you in this valley, and He will see you through it. And for what it’s worth, I think good counseling could benefit all of us. Hang in there. Feel free to share anytime.
Gary,
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry that you had to face that horror again. But you are strong in God.. I will mark my calendar for the airing. I have a long road ahead and with God by my side I will survive. Since I have no family left for support I’m planning on grief counseling. It’s been a long lonely road. Hope to hear from you soon. Prayers to you.
Hi Cathey. Thanks for responding and for your encouragement. Yes, you will survive. God walks with you in this valley, and He will see you through it. And for what it’s worth, I think good counseling could benefit all of us. Hang in there. Feel free to share anytime.