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[dropcap2 variation=”coffee”]I[/dropcap2]n my last post, I talked about how control is an illusion. We might want control, or even think we need it, but it eludes us. We’re better off focusing on guarding and feeding our own hearts, with the goal of making a powerful and positive difference in this nutty world.
To attempt to control is human. To persistently impose your will and agenda on others is to be a control freak.
How to recognize a Control Freak
Control freaks rarely realize they are one. Many think they’re helping. They believe their interference, micro-management, and constructive criticism actually assist you in growing and becoming better. They’re often unaware their input is calculated to advance their own agenda.
Control freaks judge you. They label your behavior as right or wrong, and they’ll often punish you (perhaps withholding something, like affection or approval) until you straighten up and begin to meet their expectations.
Control freaks use fear as a motivator. They gravitate to doom-and-gloom worse-case scenarios. Disaster is certain unless you conform to their standards.
Control freaks are notorious for not seeing their own issues. They would rather work on yours. In actuality, they’re running from their own anxiety. Their hearts are screaming for attention, but instead of being vulnerable, they exalt themselves above the rest of the populace. They believe that if you changed your behavior, they would be happier. Some control freaks are mean, power hungry, and abusive.
Dealing with the Control Freak within
The first key in dealing with a control freak is to make sure you’re not one. Heed the words of Jesus, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye, and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?”
Do you give unasked for advice? Do you take up others’ offenses and try to solve others’ problems? Do any of the Control Freak behaviors above sound like you? If so, don’t despair. You’re human. But being human isn’t an excuse to keep being a Control Freak.
Ultimately, you are only responsible for you. Nothing can come out of you, in words and actions, except what is already in you. No one else is to blame for the decisions that you’re making and the life that you’re living. You must take responsibility for you.
Get a safe friend to help you with this. Confess. “I’m a control freak! I’m making myself and others miserable. Help!” Take a good, hard look at your own heart. Work on you. Let others have their issues. You have enough of your own.
Deal with the control freak within first. As you get better at recognizing him, you’ll be better equipped to handle the control freaks around you. You’ll have more compassion on them too.
Dealing with the Control Freaks without
Here are a few keys for handling Control Freaks:
Limit your exposure to them. If they’re abusive, you’ll definitely need to do this. Continual interaction with them can suck the life out of you and grind your heart into dust. You can’t afford that. If you’re thinking of your spouse or an immediate family member, you’ll need more specialized help to deal effectively with that situation.
Limit what you share with them. This is especially true of any personal information. When you share, you’re giving them permission to mess with you and those close to you. They’ve already proven themselves untrustworthy when it comes to your heart. Don’t be duped again.
Limit your responses to them. Don’t react. Most control freaks love an argument. Instead, decide beforehand how you’re going to respond. No response at all might be best. Or perhaps a smile and, “Thanks for your concern.” If you stand firm and don’t give them material to work with, they’ll eventually ply their trade elsewhere.
Don’t try to turn the tables and go all Control Freak on them. It won’t work, and fixing them isn’t your job. Remember, you’re responsible for you. As you work on you, everyone you love benefits. If you want revenge, try compassion.
Don’t go it alone. Get a safe friend involved to help you grow and heal. Don’t be afraid of seeing a professional to develop skills for handling the Control Freak within and those without.
You can do this. More healing and growth are ahead.
Question: What have you found helpful in dealing with the Control Freaks?
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Very, well written and so true! Having been married to a Control Freak for many years the tips for dealing with one is spot on. Good information and much needed for reminders. Thank you, Gary!
Hi Darci. Thanks for your encouragement. I appreciate it!
Very, well written and so true! Having been married to a Control Freak for many years the tips for dealing with one is spot on. Good information and much needed for reminders. Thank you, Gary!
Hi Darci. Thanks for your encouragement. I appreciate it!
This comment comes from someone who wishes to remain anonymous. I wanted to post it because I’ll bet a lot of us struggle with this.
“I read the blog and now I am realizing my need for control has played out in doing everything in my power to make people like me, I have been that way since childhood….which I am sure came from my abuse. While I am doing better in the last few years, this is still a big issue, thank you for your list of what we can’t control, seeing that making people like and accept me is out of my control has helped a lot. I think maybe I thought all along ‘if people liked my personality they would not dislike who I was because of being sexually abused as a boy.’ Weird huh?”
Nope. Not weird at all.
This comment comes from someone who wishes to remain anonymous. I wanted to post it because I’ll bet a lot of us struggle with this.
“I read the blog and now I am realizing my need for control has played out in doing everything in my power to make people like me, I have been that way since childhood….which I am sure came from my abuse. While I am doing better in the last few years, this is still a big issue, thank you for your list of what we can’t control, seeing that making people like and accept me is out of my control has helped a lot. I think maybe I thought all along ‘if people liked my personality they would not dislike who I was because of being sexually abused as a boy.’ Weird huh?”
Nope. Not weird at all.
Control freak… Who me? Ok yes I exhibit some of the behaviors listed above. I want healing for my husband so our relationship will be better. Is all my “help” really making a difference. No, he has to want to be healed… Me getting in his yard and excusing him of his “wrong behavor” has only left him more wounded. I’m slowly learning to “let go” and rest in each moment of each day verses getting panicked about the future ahead. Thank you for the reminder to stay in my yard and not try to “fix” my husband.
Thanks for sharing. It’s so hard to stay in our own yards sometimes, especially when it’s someone we love and there’s so much at stake. Releasing is so difficult, and so important. And if you’re anything like me, I have to do it over and over and over again. Thanks again for your comment.
Control freak… Who me? Ok yes I exhibit some of the behaviors listed above. I want healing for my husband so our relationship will be better. Is all my “help” really making a difference. No, he has to want to be healed… Me getting in his yard and excusing him of his “wrong behavor” has only left him more wounded. I’m slowly learning to “let go” and rest in each moment of each day verses getting panicked about the future ahead. Thank you for the reminder to stay in my yard and not try to “fix” my husband.
Thanks for sharing. It’s so hard to stay in our own yards sometimes, especially when it’s someone we love and there’s so much at stake. Releasing is so difficult, and so important. And if you’re anything like me, I have to do it over and over and over again. Thanks again for your comment.