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[dropcap2 variation=”coffee”]L[/dropcap2]ast week I noticed I was sighing more than usual. Several friends mentioned that my body language and facial expression were different. I seemed tense and distracted, they said. One remarked that I had aged overnight.
Great.
I took this to heart and began to ask why. I thought about my week. Then the mental light bulb went on.
A world of grief
As a hospice chaplain, I’m normally around a lot of grief, but last week was different. The grief was more palpable and poignant. I thought about the deep, personal interactions I’d had about things like…
- Lives turned topsy-turvy by sudden, traumatic loss
- Hearts broken by watching a loved one slowly fade away
- Children’s lives forever altered by their parents’ violent deaths
- The extreme pain and confusion that suicide dumps on survivors
- The awful battles sexual abuse survivors endure due to horrific, unthinkable childhood violations
- Lives ruined and families shattered by powerful, consuming addictions
And more.
I didn’t see these stories on a screen somewhere. I heard them from the lips of the sufferers themselves as they sat across from me. I could see the pain, and sometimes terror, in their eyes.
It was a tough week. Even as I write this, I’m struck again by the immeasurable amount of pain and suffering that’s out there. It’s terrible. And some of it is unbelievably dark and evil.
I realize now I was grieving – probably still am. The world isn’t the way I hoped it would be. Maybe I’ve always longed for the Garden of Eden and, well, this isn’t it. I exist in a world of grief.
And I’m grateful.
I’m grateful
Yes, you read that right. I’m grateful.
As I sat thinking about the pain and grief around me and in me, I realized something. I get to join others in their grief. They allow me into their lives and hearts. I get to see their soul.
What an incredible honor.
They’ll never know (and perhaps neither will I) how much these interactions bring healing to my heart and give me perspective. Their pain touches mine, and in that moment we’re real and authentic. Our walls are down. We feel safe enough to emote and share. And we leave a little lighter, knowing we’ve been seen, heard, and cared for.
We’ve walked in the valley of the shadow of death (and worse) together. We begin to trust on deeper levels. We appreciate the good more. We discover that there are other safe, kindred hearts out there. We live with more purpose.
Pain will not win
Today, as I think about last week’s interactions, I smile – not at the suffering, but at what can come out of it. Real, heartfelt connection in the midst of pain brings hope and healing in ways nothing else can. Amazing things can happen when fellow strugglers connect.
Yes, I’m grateful. Grateful to be in this world, spurred on by a longing for something more. Grateful for the privilege of serving hurting people. Grateful for and humbled by the honor of being trusted. Grateful for the miraculously good stuff that can come out of horrific, even evil circumstances.
I believe this is God’s answer to pain and suffering: it will not win.
Upcoming Interview on ABC Family
Speaking of great things coming out of ugly, even evil circumstances…
On Tuesday, May 6th, at 10 am on ABC Family, the 700 Club will air a short story on healing from sexual abuse based on my book Not Quite Healed (co-authored with New York Times Bestseller Cecil Murphey). I haven’t seen the piece, but based on the interview I believe this little vignette could powerfully affect the lives of hurting people for good (especially sexual abuse survivors).
I invite you to tune in, and then let me know what you think (you can also watch live via webcast). I’ll post the direct link to the video after it airs.
I’m also offering a free gift as a follow-up to the 700 Club interview – an e-book called Never Alone: Where is Jesus in Sexual Trauma? But you don’t have to wait for the telecast. You can download your free copy now.
Even if you’re not an abuse survivor, I would recommend you grab a copy. As you read, keep your own particular struggle in mind. I think you’ll find hope and encouragement in its pages.
It’s time to heal.
Pain, suffering, and evil are real. They hurt. But they aren’t the end game. We can’t afford to let them take over and smother our hope.
It’s time to heal. It’s time to stand. It’s time to connect and serve.
Let the overcoming continue.
Question: What have you found most encouraging in times of great pain?
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Hi Gary,
Thank you for your post. I have had a little setback lately in recovering from a sad divorce. Now I feel I am back a few steps and grieving again. But not the actual divorce – I think now I am grieving that I am not married. So I guess I am grieving the loss of my position in life, not that I am not his wife anymore, but that I am not a wife, 1/2 of a committed couple. I didn’t think I needed a man in my life and was just getting happy with my life. Then a man came along and began saying things to me, compliments, and asking me out. Finally went out with him but it wasn’t supposed to be a date, but he held my hand. I think this caused the setback. It has been 1 year and 4 months since my divorce was final. Any suggestions?
Thanks and God bless you.
Rhonda
Hi Rhonda. You may be right. Lots of things have to be grieved during and after a divorce. As you know, it takes time. I once heard somewhere that a reasonable expectation for recovery was one month for every year you were married. In other words, 20 months for 20 years. It sounds like you weren’t really looking for a relationship and didn’t really want one at this time – just perhaps some companionship. Solomon tells us to guard our hearts. If you stay in touch with your heart, you’ll know when you’re ready. There will be peace, and excitement there. I certainly don’t have any answers, but I know you seek the One who does!
Hi Gary,
Thank you for your post. I have had a little setback lately in recovering from a sad divorce. Now I feel I am back a few steps and grieving again. But not the actual divorce – I think now I am grieving that I am not married. So I guess I am grieving the loss of my position in life, not that I am not his wife anymore, but that I am not a wife, 1/2 of a committed couple. I didn’t think I needed a man in my life and was just getting happy with my life. Then a man came along and began saying things to me, compliments, and asking me out. Finally went out with him but it wasn’t supposed to be a date, but he held my hand. I think this caused the setback. It has been 1 year and 4 months since my divorce was final. Any suggestions?
Thanks and God bless you.
Rhonda
Hi Rhonda. You may be right. Lots of things have to be grieved during and after a divorce. As you know, it takes time. I once heard somewhere that a reasonable expectation for recovery was one month for every year you were married. In other words, 20 months for 20 years. It sounds like you weren’t really looking for a relationship and didn’t really want one at this time – just perhaps some companionship. Solomon tells us to guard our hearts. If you stay in touch with your heart, you’ll know when you’re ready. There will be peace, and excitement there. I certainly don’t have any answers, but I know you seek the One who does!
Things in my life have changed. I am not working with the same org. I know the feeling you mentioned. And how lucky to get the chance to work with them. I miss you and our talks. Life has its ups and downs right now down. Love a
Hi Kellye. Yes, we are privileged indeed. Good to hear from you. Those ups and downs can be tough I know. Let me know if I can help in any way.
Things in my life have changed. I am not working with the same org. I know the feeling you mentioned. And how lucky to get the chance to work with them. I miss you and our talks. Life has its ups and downs right now down. Love a
Hi Kellye. Yes, we are privileged indeed. Good to hear from you. Those ups and downs can be tough I know. Let me know if I can help in any way.
Dear Gary,
My name was formerly Jeter. You were the first one to hear my story at Sherman Bible Church when my husband sexually abused my nephew. That first advice has stayed with me always–to guard my heart. Later you asked me what God would say about what kind of heart I had. You wouldn’t let me answer right away, but had me pray first. Later, I told you I had a warrior’s heart. I slogged through ten years of recovery, helping get Celebrate Recovery up and running again. It is still going strong, but not my marriage, I am sad to say. There is evil, despite all we do to fight against it. As it turned out, my former spouse also abused his own son. Though therapy, my son admitted the wrong he had carried secretly as we tried to make the marriage work. His father, Brent, maintains his innocence as well as his sexual addictions. He maintains a respectable volunteer position at my former church as he waits out his probation. From the week I filed for divorce, he has not worked a day. This is so pathetically sad. But rather than hate, I wrote a book about it—very therapeutic. I put together all the various sources I used for healing like Wounded Heart, etc… I wished I had used your book and will get and read it soon. Maybe I can add it somehow. I am currently looking for an editor. Anyway, the book is called Still the One: Recovery, Reconciliation, Reality After a Spouse’s Sexual Addiction. I use a pseudo-name, Talitha Batach, meaning “little lamb in the confidence of God”. Never doubt the good you have done by sharing what you do.
Hi Tracy. Thank you for sharing. And yes, I remember you. And I’m glad you wrote about all this. So much of the power of abuse lies in it’s secrecy. The more it is brought into the light, but more it begins to shrink. I’m proud of you – very. If there is ever anything I can do for you, let me know.
Dear Gary,
My name was formerly Jeter. You were the first one to hear my story at Sherman Bible Church when my husband sexually abused my nephew. That first advice has stayed with me always–to guard my heart. Later you asked me what God would say about what kind of heart I had. You wouldn’t let me answer right away, but had me pray first. Later, I told you I had a warrior’s heart. I slogged through ten years of recovery, helping get Celebrate Recovery up and running again. It is still going strong, but not my marriage, I am sad to say. There is evil, despite all we do to fight against it. As it turned out, my former spouse also abused his own son. Though therapy, my son admitted the wrong he had carried secretly as we tried to make the marriage work. His father, Brent, maintains his innocence as well as his sexual addictions. He maintains a respectable volunteer position at my former church as he waits out his probation. From the week I filed for divorce, he has not worked a day. This is so pathetically sad. But rather than hate, I wrote a book about it—very therapeutic. I put together all the various sources I used for healing like Wounded Heart, etc… I wished I had used your book and will get and read it soon. Maybe I can add it somehow. I am currently looking for an editor. Anyway, the book is called Still the One: Recovery, Reconciliation, Reality After a Spouse’s Sexual Addiction. I use a pseudo-name, Talitha Batach, meaning “little lamb in the confidence of God”. Never doubt the good you have done by sharing what you do.
Hi Tracy. Thank you for sharing. And yes, I remember you. And I’m glad you wrote about all this. So much of the power of abuse lies in it’s secrecy. The more it is brought into the light, but more it begins to shrink. I’m proud of you – very. If there is ever anything I can do for you, let me know.