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[dropcap2 variation=”coffee”]M[/dropcap2]y past jumps up and bites me sometimes. Like one night last week. It was miserable. It was what I call an adrenaline night.
It came on after dinner – the rising tension in my body, the tightness in my chest, and that faint internal trembling working its way through my system.
Yuck.
I knew sleep would be a challenge. I closed my eyes and could hear the internal engine revving. I dozed a little. Body parts twitched. I wanted to jump up and run – out the door, down the street, and keep going until I dropped.
I reviewed my day and the week. I couldn’t pinpoint anything that might’ve caused this.
The Powerful Past
A long time ago, however, something did happen. I was sexually abused in early childhood.
One of the results was adrenaline – lots of it. I grew up on alert and hyper-vigilant. I lived in fight or flight mode.
The abuse was so bad that I blocked it out. If I hadn’t, it would’ve killed me (or worse). I had large memory gaps growing up.
Forty years later, the flashbacks hit. My body relived the abuse, and I was thrust back into that familiar fight or flight mentality. Adrenaline pumped into my system whether I needed it or not. The flashbacks continued on and off for two years.
It was terrifying and traumatic. I had many adrenaline nights. These nights produced waves of anxiety, and often panic attacks. As I pursued healing, I learned better how to manage the overwhelming emotions.
The Now is New – A Different Time and Place
Last week, as the waves of anxiety came, I found myself smiling. I told myself, “This is a physical reaction. I can accept it because it is real. The abuse was real, and it mattered. That little boy (me) mattered. I honor him by going through this. I’ve been here before and endured this dozens of times.”
I tried to relax and breathe deeply, knowing I was just along for the ride. There was nothing I could do to rush or halt the process. I prayed, but not the God-rescue-me type of prayer. He’s rescued me already. I found myself thanking him –
-for his goodness to me
-for the amazing opportunities I’ve had and things I’ve experienced
-for the people I’ve known and know
-for the life I get to live in spite of my wounds and losses
-for the healing I’ve received
As I thanked him, a new thought formed in my heart:
Adrenaline nights are part of my healing.
The adrenaline I no longer needed to fight or flee was being released and flushed out of my system. In general, I flee less and embrace life more. I can choose to let adrenaline nights remind me of the past, of my rescue, my continued healing – and of God’s great goodness to me.
Don’t get me wrong. I wish adrenaline nights would disappear and never return. But the reality is sexual abuse deeply injured my soul, and that impacted my body. Adrenaline overload is a handicap I inherited as a result. I can lament having the handicap, or I can accept it and use it to live well.
Our Wounds Have Great Purpose
Our losses and soul wounds have great purpose. Our pain tends to inform our mission. For example, I’m passionate about helping hurting people heal, grow, and engage in the adventure God has for them. That’s no accident. Your mission isn’t random either. You’ve been shaped and fine-tuned for it.
Takeaways from the latest adrenaline night:
Accept the past.
It was what it was. Your pain honors what you went through. Your losses and wounds matter.
Stay in the present.
Guard your mind from going places that aren’t profitable. You’re not back there anymore. Things may feel the same, but this is another time and place.
Be hopeful.
You’ve been here before. You’ve faced tragedy and difficulty, and overcome. You’ll overcome again.
Be thankful.
Focus on the blessings you’ve received along the way. Pain and loss gets turned around and used for good all the time.
Past wounds and personal issues are often used as excuses. What a waste when they can be used for powerful, positive impact. Healing happens when we allow the past to soften our hearts and motivate us to difference-making.
Lean into your losses and issues. Intentionally use them for good. Accept what happened and shape it into a tool to serve others.
And that, my friends, is overcoming.
QUESTION: How might you use your losses and wounds to serve others?
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While dealing with my own grief, I can see how others are hurting and not letting go of the past. Life is for the living and we have to go forward. We have to let go of the past, we do not have to forget our loved one. We must find things to do, friends to talk to, have a hobby. I hope kind words will help others to understand, they must go on, continue with their life, and find a place in their future.
Shirley
Hi Shirley. Thank you for sharing. Yes, moving forward does not mean forgetting. In fact, moving forward, step by step honors the ones we’ve lost – or, in the case of abuse survivors, honors what we went through. Healing is always loving toward ourselves and all those around us. You’re healing. Keep leaning forward!
While dealing with my own grief, I can see how others are hurting and not letting go of the past. Life is for the living and we have to go forward. We have to let go of the past, we do not have to forget our loved one. We must find things to do, friends to talk to, have a hobby. I hope kind words will help others to understand, they must go on, continue with their life, and find a place in their future.
Shirley
Hi Shirley. Thank you for sharing. Yes, moving forward does not mean forgetting. In fact, moving forward, step by step honors the ones we’ve lost – or, in the case of abuse survivors, honors what we went through. Healing is always loving toward ourselves and all those around us. You’re healing. Keep leaning forward!
That it’s not our fault what happened to us, as a child being abused, we are made to feel that we were the cause of it, we could have stopped it, and we need the freedom to know it’s alright to feel anger, it’s what we do with it that matters. Most of all we need to love ourselves.
Judith, you are so right. Intellectually, we know it wasn’t our fault, but that old lie that we were somehow responsible gets buried deep in our hearts and influences so much of what we think and feel. Yes, we need to love ourselves. Thanks for sharing.
That it’s not our fault what happened to us, as a child being abused, we are made to feel that we were the cause of it, we could have stopped it, and we need the freedom to know it’s alright to feel anger, it’s what we do with it that matters. Most of all we need to love ourselves.
Judith, you are so right. Intellectually, we know it wasn’t our fault, but that old lie that we were somehow responsible gets buried deep in our hearts and influences so much of what we think and feel. Yes, we need to love ourselves. Thanks for sharing.
My past is of my own doing. I realize now that I am not the person that I wanted to grow up to be. Fortunately, God isn’t done shaping me yet. I will continue to grow and try to learn from my past mistakes. I pray that some day the people I’ve hurt can forgive me and I am able to try to make it up to them. Gary, I thank God that you came into my life. Much love to you my Brother.
I’m honored to know you, Chuck. I admire your sensitive heart. We’re all in process, and life is a moving target. Now your life is about serving others. I would say that’s victory!
My past is of my own doing. I realize now that I am not the person that I wanted to grow up to be. Fortunately, God isn’t done shaping me yet. I will continue to grow and try to learn from my past mistakes. I pray that some day the people I’ve hurt can forgive me and I am able to try to make it up to them. Gary, I thank God that you came into my life. Much love to you my Brother.
I’m honored to know you, Chuck. I admire your sensitive heart. We’re all in process, and life is a moving target. Now your life is about serving others. I would say that’s victory!
I had a similar experience, Gary. My abuse was buried down deep. It did propel me unconsciously to become a nurse – I think to rescue other people, though. Once the abuse came known to me a few years ago, I worked through so much and fought my way out of codependency. I developed a healthier groove. Now my compassion for others is more at the forefront without the NEED to help others getting in the way – and putting me in the way.
Thank you for your post, Gary. I have those adrenaline nights from time to time, too. Thank you for your reminder that it honors what that little one went through. I find it helpful to envision that blond haired blue eyed little girl – I hold her in the arms of my healthy adult self and tell her she is safe now. That chases my adrenaline away.
Dinah,thank you for sharing. You’ve worked through so much, and you continue to serve others in very meaningful ways. That’s victory, and healing. Amazing!
I had a similar experience, Gary. My abuse was buried down deep. It did propel me unconsciously to become a nurse – I think to rescue other people, though. Once the abuse came known to me a few years ago, I worked through so much and fought my way out of codependency. I developed a healthier groove. Now my compassion for others is more at the forefront without the NEED to help others getting in the way – and putting me in the way.
Thank you for your post, Gary. I have those adrenaline nights from time to time, too. Thank you for your reminder that it honors what that little one went through. I find it helpful to envision that blond haired blue eyed little girl – I hold her in the arms of my healthy adult self and tell her she is safe now. That chases my adrenaline away.
Dinah,thank you for sharing. You’ve worked through so much, and you continue to serve others in very meaningful ways. That’s victory, and healing. Amazing!
My pain has served as a backdrop to a new way I can help others. I notice pain in others more easily and empathize with them more deeply, especially if they have lost someone they love. It is rewarding to me to feel like I have provided helpful words and healing prayers.
Kelli, you’re blessing others in so many ways. Thank you for your dedication to grieving well and in a way that racks up incredible benefits for you and everyone around you. You’re becoming an expert comforter – and that’s huge!
My pain has served as a backdrop to a new way I can help others. I notice pain in others more easily and empathize with them more deeply, especially if they have lost someone they love. It is rewarding to me to feel like I have provided helpful words and healing prayers.
Kelli, you’re blessing others in so many ways. Thank you for your dedication to grieving well and in a way that racks up incredible benefits for you and everyone around you. You’re becoming an expert comforter – and that’s huge!
Thank you for helping me deal with my past. My past is only a year in healing so reoccurrence is often, but I have a huge support team. My past haunts me by the loss of 3 daughters still under his control and wanting nothing to do with me….their mother. I thank God for helping me be stronger daily and getting me through the tough days
Thanks for sharing, Kathy. You’ve endured (and are enduring) a huge loss. You’re right – it’s a daily battle, and I’m glad you’re choosing to heal rather than pursuing other unhealthy options. Thank goodness for that huge support team you’ve got. Those relationships can make all the difference!
Thank you for helping me deal with my past. My past is only a year in healing so reoccurrence is often, but I have a huge support team. My past haunts me by the loss of 3 daughters still under his control and wanting nothing to do with me….their mother. I thank God for helping me be stronger daily and getting me through the tough days
Thanks for sharing, Kathy. You’ve endured (and are enduring) a huge loss. You’re right – it’s a daily battle, and I’m glad you’re choosing to heal rather than pursuing other unhealthy options. Thank goodness for that huge support team you’ve got. Those relationships can make all the difference!