I’m angry about what happened.
Surely someone could have done something.
Why did this have to happen? Why do we have to die?
What do I do with this anger?
Anger is a powerful emotion. It is a natural and common part of the grief process.
Almost everyone experiences anger of some kind during times of loss. Someone important to us is no longer here. Our lives have been disrupted and upended. Since we’re relational and wired for connection, our hearts wince and writhe against the loss.
Anger looks for a target. We begin looking for someone to blame. Who is responsible for this? Who messed up? Who could have intervened and didn’t?
We might blame those around the person when they died. We could hold medical staff or other professionals responsible. We could turn the anger on ourselves. We might even blame the deceased. Many blame God.
Anger is natural. Though it’s a powerful emotion, it’s not inherently negative. Emotions in their essence are neutral. It’s what we choose to do with them that ends up being negative or positive, unhealthy or healthy.
Anger will be expressed, one way or another. See it as part of your grief and seek proactive healthy ways to “get it out.”
Here are some options:
- Exercise! This is a wonderful means of taking the edge off our anger.
- Scream out loud (in private, of course).
- Punch a pillow or use a punching bag.
- Express your anger in writing – journal, letters, poetry, etc.
- Express your anger through art – drawing, painting, etc.
- Breathe deeply and see yourself blowing the anger out.
Anger that is not purposefully expressed in healthy ways will eventually leak out in ways that you will most likely regret.
Take your anger seriously. Acknowledge it. “I’m angry.” Identify the thought behind it if you can.
“I’m angry because I am powerless to bring my loved one back!” Accept the anger as best you can. As you accept and process your anger, you will learn and grow from it rather than being controlled by it.
Affirmation: If anger comes, I will acknowledge and accept it as a natural part of my grief. As I express my anger in healthy ways, I will heal and grow.
Excerpt from The Grief Guidebook: Common Questions, Compassionate Answers, Practical Suggestions.
Be angry, and do not sin; ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent. (Psalm 4:4)
Question: Have you dealt with anger since your loss? Feel free to share by commenting below.
