Why are we grievers so hard on ourselves sometimes (or maybe all the time)?

You would think we would realize that a devastating loss would bring life as we know it to a grinding halt. But the reality is that we don’t know what to do when loss strikes.

Loss is often swept under the rug. Denied. Stuffed. Ignored.

Why? Often because of the messages we get from the people and culture around us:

“Don’t grieve in front of me. Keep it private.”

“Don’t be sad. I don’t want to see that.”

“Pick yourself up. Move on. Get over it.”

Etc.

Yesterday, we had another Virtual Hangout via Zoom. Our topic was “Why Are We Hard on Ourselves While Grieving?”

We talked about seven possible reasons:

1. Perfectionism.

This loss is so painful and our loved one is so important that we want to get this right. We want to succeed at grief. We want to do well – with excellence.

Of course, if we naturally struggle with perfectionism, it’s natural that we would struggle with this is the grief process too.

The big problem is that we aren’t perfect. Not even close. We won’t get this “right” – because there is no definition of “right” in this case.

2. The desire for control.

Loss throws everything into turmoil. Life is turned inside-out and upside-down. We feel so out-of-control that the desire to control something – anything – is natural and can be very strong.

We start micromanaging our lives. We try to exercise more control over people, situations, and circumstances. Combined with a little perfectionism, the desire for control can catapult a grieving heart into decision-paralysis. Small, everyday decisions become solo climbs of Mount Everest.

3. Being super-responsible.

Some of us are overly-responsible. In our desire to be trustworthy, competent, and highly dependable people, we can take responsibility for things and people that we have no control over whatsoever.

In other words, we take responsibility for things we are not responsible for.

A sense of hyper-responsibility can quickly land us in grief burnout. Our hearts have been hit and there’s less emotional,  mental, and physical energy to do routine life (whatever that is now).  It’s all too much. Exhaustion is the result. Our feelers shut down. Numbness invades.

4. Guilt / Shame.

Then there’s the not-helpful-at-all dynamic duo of guilt and shame. If we’ve struggled with this pair in the past, chances are we’ll be frequently assaulted by them on the grief journey.

Guilt says, “It’s all my fault.” Shame says, “Of course it’s all my fault. I’m bad.”

Guilt and shame keep us from recognizing and embracing who God is, who we are, what Jesus has done for us, and what it means to walk with God through pain and suffering. Guilt and shame keep us looking inward, replaying our perceived failures over and over.

5. Keeping up appearances.

We try to put a good face on our pain. Who wants to stick out? Most of us want to blend in, especially when we’re hurting. And so we play the “I’m fine” game. It feels a lot easier than the other options.

We’re designed for relationships and community. Who wants to be hurting? We want to fit in and be accepted and loved. So we fashion a mask to protect ourselves. No wonder. We’re vulnerable.

6. The need to be strong.

Others depend on us. Others are watching. We need to be strong. Others need us to be strong. So we shove our grief deep inside, put on our armor, and pretend we’re something we’re not.

Who wants to be weak? Who wants to be perceived as weak? So we suck it up and go through the motions. We feel we must keep it together and project strength.

7. Past pain, trauma, and wounds.

Current losses surface past losses. Past pain, wounds, and trauma get triggered and hurl themselves back into our lives and consciousness. We can wonder if we’ve made any progress in life at all.

The impact of past pain invading the present – on top of the current loss – can be overwhelming and paralyzing. We can feel worthless, hopeless, and helpless. Deflated. Disappointed. Depressed.

Are you hard on yourself while grieving? Which of the above most resonates with you?

Perhaps you’re wondering, “What do I do with this? How do I heal? How do I do this differently?

How do I not be so hard on myself?“

More on that next time.

In the meantime, breathe.

You are not alone, though grief can be a terribly lonely process.

You are not crazy, though at times you will feel feel that way.

You will make it through this, though right now you might wonder how.

Until next time…

Question: Are you hard on yourself? How so? Are there ways you might be kinder to yourself while grieving?