Lately, I’ve become very aware of a particular frustration-producer in life and in the grief process.

Expectations.

I’m noticing that almost every time I’m frustrated, disappointed, angry, or anxious, something that I expected to happen didn’t or something that I didn’t expect to happen did.

Expectations.

And, almost every time, whatever expectation I had was flying under the radar. In other words, I didn’t even know I had an expectation.

Does this ever happen to you?

In the grief process, expectations are huge emotional triggers. Here are some of the common ones:

We expect loss and grief to be, well, easier somehow.

We expect ourselves to hold it together emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually.

We expect ourselves to live and perform at pretty much the same level as before the loss.

We expect ourselves to be perfect or near perfect (to know everything, to figure out everything, to be strong, to do everything right, etc.).

We expect the grief process to cooperate with our plan for the day.

We expect people to be kind, sympathetic, and understanding.

We expect people to be supportive (meaning that we expect them to support us the way we would like to be supported).

Sigh.

Unknown and unspoken expectations can create all kinds of emotional havoc. Having expectations, however, is as natural as breathing.

So, what to we do about these sneaky under-the-radar expectations that are floating around in our minds and hearts?

One thing we can do is remind ourselves of the truth about life and the grief process:

“Life, grief, and even today will not go as I expect – and that’s okay.”

“I will routinely get surprised by life and by grief – and that’s okay.”

“Many people will not support me the way I would like – and that’s okay.”

“My grief will express itself today, perhaps in many ways – and that’s okay.”

“I might experience many different emotions today, some of them unpleasant – and that’s okay.”

“I’m not perfect and won’t get things just right – and that’s okay.”

In other words, we can relax a little. We don’t have to play god. We can be kind to ourselves by accepting ourselves in the moment, as we are. We can be patient with ourselves.

If you find yourself frustrated, angry, impatient, anxious, or disappointed today, ask yourself, “What was I expecting?” Then ask yourself if that expectation is realistic.

Be kind to yourself today. Accept yourself today, as you are. Be patient with yourself today.

Breathe. Let go of what you can. This is hard.

Jesus knows how to do hard. He’s an expert at it. His arms are open. His invitation is simple:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)

An invitation. Followed by a promise.

Rest sure sounds good, doesn’t it?

Until next time…

Question: Are expectations messing with your life? How so? What expectation seems to be the most challenging for you? Feel free to comment and share.