There are several important components to a healthy grief process.
One big key is acceptance.
Grieving hearts need to be seen and heard. We long for and need the acceptance of others on this difficult and painful road.
Sadly, we often don’t feel accepted or supported by those around us.
Unfortunately, many of us don’t give ourselves this gift of acceptance either.
If you’re anything like me, you can be hard on yourself at times.
How about you? Do you tend to be hard on yourself?
Our natural is tendency, when we’re feeling something that’s unpleasant or difficult, is to do the old “fight, flight, or freeze” routine. The trouble is that feelings are meant to be felt. The only way “out” of them is “through” them.
So, we work on accepting ourselves as we are, in the moment.
“I’m anxious. I’m struggling right now. And that’s okay.“
“I’m afraid something else terrible is going to happen. I feel like a mess. And that’s okay.“
“I feel so sad today. I have good reason to be sad. And that’s okay.”
“I feel overwhelmed and so, so tired. And that’s okay.”
When we accept ourselves in the moment, it frees us up to feel these grief emotions. Once we acknowledge what’s happening inside us, it’s often like the pressure within gets released.
Here’s a question I’ve found helpful: “Does what I’m feeling / experiencing match what I’m going through (the loss I’ve experienced)?”
Most of the time, my answer to the above question is, “Yes, it certainly does.”
This process is hard. It’s painful. It’s difficult and extremely challenging. How could it not be?
When we accept ourselves as we are in the moment, we live more in the reality of the moment.
This is one more way we can be kind to ourselves in all this.
The next time a grief burst comes, or you feel an uncomfortable, heavy emotion, try telling yourself, “I’m feeling _____________. And that’s okay.”
Our well-practiced fight-flight-freeze combo often keeps us stuck and frustrated. We fare much better when we accept ourselves (as best we can) in the moment.
Be kind to yourself today. Give yourself grace. Accept yourself.
Be kind to other grieving hearts today. Can anyone you know benefit from this article? Send it to them.
I’m glad we’re in this together.
“Accept one another, just as God in Christ has accepted you.” – Romans 15:7
Question: Do you tend to be hard on yourself? What might help you accept yourself more in the moment? Feel free to comment.
Thank you Gary. Your thoughtful messages have helped in my grief journey these past 14 months. I feel I have worked hard to get to forgiveness and acceptance. I feel you have pulled me along the grief trail.
I will always grieve my son’s loss but the pain is less.
Doris, thank you for this kind message. I’m so honored to be a part of your grief walk. No one should have to do it alone, ever. I’m proud of you. Keep taking good care of yourself. Praying for you now…
Using this logic is great advise but it does not reflect the response from others. It has been over three years since I lost my wife to cancer. Three years in some peoples eyes is a huge amount of time. For me, three years has and continues to be an unwanted journey and the time seems to have vanished so quickly. Friends and even some relatives have shown frustration that I continue to grieve and mourn for my wife of almost 50 years and so my reaction is to withdraw and to hide my feelings and that just adds to the hurt I feel. I have read so many books, some of them yours, and although I have garnered helpful “hints” meant to make dealing with grief more explainable and accepted I still find myself in a not so happy place. I will say, that as an individual, I feel somewhat comfortable where I am and I deal with each day in my own way but there are still times when I still ask the question “why” and I struggle with that.
George, thank you for commenting and sharing. Wonderfully expressed. The world around us just can’t understand the depth of what goes on inside us. And yes, hiding those feelings really does just add to our hurt. This is so hard, and is such a long, drawn-out process. Being somewhat comfortable where you are at, even while not being in a particular happy place sounds like a healthy and healing place to be. Well done, George. Blessings to you today…