This week we had another Zoom Virtual Hangout. In our session, we talked about “How to Be Kind to Yourself While Grieving.”
“Be kind to yourself.” I say that a lot, but what exactly does that mean?
In our Zoom session, we began by pointing out four reasons why being kind to ourselves is important.
Because loss hits us on every level.
When someone we love dearly dies or departs, we’re stunned. The magnitude of the loss begins to impact every area of our lives.
Loss impacts us emotionally. Our hearts are crushed. Emotions spill out all over the place. Emotional overwhelm is common.
Loss impacts us mentally. We can’t think straight. Our ability to focus, concentrate, and make decisions gets squeezed. We can feel like we’re going crazy.
Loss impacts us physically. Our bodies feel the enormous amount of change that is occurring. We find ourselves dealing with new or exacerbated symptoms. We’re drained and exhausted. We discover that grief can indeed make us sick.
Loss impacts us spiritually. Our souls shake. Questions surface. We can find ourselves in a faith crisis. We can also experience a deepening of our faith.
Loss impacts our relationships. We’re changing, and so our relationships also change. We’re not who we were. Some people distance themselves or even disappear. We might feel misunderstood, rejected, or abandoned. One loss seems to lead to another.
Loss impacts our future. We look ahead and see gaps everywhere. Some of our expectations, plans, and dreams have been altered (or have evaporated completely). This adds up to more loss.
Being kind to ourselves is important because loss hits every part of our life and our being.
Because loss is painful and grief is incredibly draining.
To say that loss is painful is a gross understand. In fact, there are no words for the depth of the upheaval and pain we can experience.
Everything hurts. Our hearts, our minds, our bodies, our souls. We bump into memories with every step. Every day is packed full of grief triggers. Grief bursts seem to wait for us around every corner.
As grief exerts its influence on our system, we grow weary. We’re tired. Fatigued. Drained. Exhausted. We can hardly lift our heads.
We live in a daze. Putting one foot in front of the other takes Herculean effort.
Our tanks are empty. Being kind to ourselves amid all this is important.
Because the world is often not kind to grieving hearts.
People run from pain. We’re in pain, so they tend to run from us.
The world has tall expectations. It doesn’t respond well to grief. It expects us to keep it together and perform as usual. Be socially acceptable. Don’t stand out. We’re not allowed to hurt in public.
We turn inward. We begin to withdraw. We learn to nurse our wounds in private. We begin to fake it in order to survive.
Faking it requires so much energy. Holding our grief in creates terrible pressure within. We’re designed for relationship and connection. We need both now more than ever.
The world is often not kind to us. We must be kind to ourselves.
Because everything has changed for us but not for the rest of the world.
Our lives have been altered forever, but the world seems to blaze forward unchanged – as if nothing of significance has happened. This is frustrating, confusing, and angering for grieving hearts.
We live in two worlds now. We live in our own personal world of loss and change. We also live in the outside world where our loss is mostly ignored or minimized.
This too is exhausting. Nothing is the same. Everything seems surreal and strange.
The pressure on us is greater than we realize. Being kind to ourselves is now a priority.
In the book of Job in the Old Testament, Job said this about himself during a time of unbelievable, devastating loss:
My eyes have grown dim with grief; my whole frame is but a shadow. (Job 17:7)
In other words, we can feel like we’re slowly disappearing.
Can you relate? Does any of this resonate with you?
I hope you felt some relief as you read. You’re not weird. You’re not crazy. You’re not alone. You’re grieving.
Breathe deeply.
How might you be a little more kind to yourself today?
Over the next few weeks, I’ll be sharing some specifics on how you can be kind to yourself while grieving. I think you’ll be encouraged. You’re more important than you realize.
Until next time…
Dear Gary
I only wanted you to know I didn’t receive a notification about this zoom meeting. I’ve been looking for something from you about upcoming zoom meeting perhaps I’m not utilizing your library correctly if this is where the schedule of zoom meetings appears. Will you please confirm with me what I maybe doing incorrectly?
Love & Blessings,
Sylvia Trelatsky
Hi Sylvia. Thanks for alerting me to this. Do you get regular emails from me? If so, then yes, you should be receiving Zoom invites once a month or so. If not, please let me know. I’ll get you on the list. Thanks again! Blessings…
Hello Mr. Roe,
After my husband died in January, 2022, I ordered your boo, Comfort for Grieving Hearts on my Kindle. It was so perfect and I enjoyed every word. It’s not that I didn’t cry on each reading, but I guess it is what I needed. I am now realizing that I am not the only person on this earth who has experienced the pain from the death of a deceased spouse. I am learning how to live with it and thank you so much for helping me and many others.
Diane, thank you for commenting and sharing. I’m so, so sorry about your husband. Ugh. What a terrible, traumatic loss. Please keep being patient with yourself in all this. And thank you for your encouragement. It means a lot. Blessings to you…
Hi Gary Every word you say tells the story of losing a loved one. My husband passed 2 yrs ago and I am completely lost and lonely without him. You never realize how important that person is until he passes. I guess we all take life for granted and think you will live forever. I have read your letter many times and it is so real. The feelings are exactly how I feel but only you can put it into the correct feelings and words.
Hi Elizabeth. Good to hear from you. Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry about your husband. Lost and lonely – those are definitely two powerful words I hear from many, many grieving spouses. You are not alone. Yes, we do take things, people, and life itself for granted. I’m guilty of this every day. Please be patient with yourself and very kind to yourself. And thank you for writing. Blessings to you…
I love that you acknowledge that one is changing, that one lives in the world of loss, and that there are everyday grief triggers. So yes one is changing and how do you turn this loss into a positive in your own life. I see so many ways but I have not carried through with them. I am still so tied to dealing with the details od loss and the time it takes that O don’t yet have time to begins to live the changed life which in my case is focusing on my immediate family.
My maternal grandmother died January 2019, my mom died January 2020, my Dad died January 2021 and my younger brother and only sibling January 2022. We were a very close family and it all happened so fast.
Hello Rema. Oh my. What terrible, close losses so close together and so recent! It’s a wonder you’re still standing. Goodness. Losses like that so close together bring a different sense of overwhelm and it’s hard to see straight. Take your time. Be patient with yourself. Take one thing at a time. Please feel free to reach out anytime. Praying for you now…
Thank you for this article. This so accurately describes most everything that I have felt since the passing of my Son on August 11th,2021. It’s so good to know that what I have and still feel is normal. This is truly a journey that has changed my entire being. I just pray that I will peace again one day.
Hi Betty. I’m so sorry about your son. I know that loss changes everything for you. Thank you for commenting and sharing. I’m praying for you now. Please feel free to reach out anytime. Be kind to yourself today.