“This isn’t fair!” is a common statement for those who have lost someone special. Why did this happen to them, to us? We look at the world around us and are stunned. How can this be? Other people still have spouses, partners, parents, children, siblings, and friends. As the grieving heart below says, “This feels all wrong somehow.”
This post, taken from Comfort for the Grieving Adult Child’s Heart: Hope and Healing After Losing Your Parent, digs into this issue. No matter what your loss, I think you’ll be able to relate…
FROM THE GRIEVING HEART:
I know this will sound dumb, but I’m starting to realize that other people still have parents.
Now that you’re gone, I guess I think everyone should be in the same boat. If my parent is gone, everybody’s parents should be. I know – ridiculous.
I see my friends and other people with their parents from time to time, and it’s painful for me. Their smiles, laughter, and hugs are little daggers to my heart. I can’t help but think of you. What I’ve lost and what I’m missing comes cascading down upon me like an irresistible waterfall. Sometimes, it stuns me, and I have a hard time catching my breath.
I get sad, then I get angry. This isn’t fair. How come they still get to have parents? Why can’t I still have you?
I know everyone has to die sometime, but it feels all wrong somehow. I knew you wouldn’t always be here, but I guess my heart hoped that was a possibility.
For now, seeing others and their parents is not a source of joy for me. It only reminds me of what is no more for me. I feel different. I’m not who I was. I feel different from everyone else, too. It’s like I only have half a heart.
Everything seems to remind me of you. Yes, you were that important. You still are.
When Loss Feels Unfair and Wrong…
When something we’ve had all our lives goes missing, we become keenly aware of it. An all-out search begins. Where is it? Where did it go? How do I find it?
When someone we’ve known our entire lives departs, something feels wrong. Someone is missing who’s always been here. It can even feel like the entire world as we knew it disappeared.
Though we know they’re gone, our hearts search for them. We see them here and there. We look for them at certain times and places. We keep waiting for them to call, text, or walk around the corner.
Amid our sadness and pain, we begin to notice the other parents and children around us. We can’t help but stare. Our hearts hungrily take in the scenes of conversation, togetherness, and love. We feel the emotion welling up within us. Teary-eyed, we turn away and hang our heads.
Perhaps we even want to walk up to those with parents and say, “Enjoy every moment. They won’t be here forever.” We find ourselves wishing we had more time – or had made better use of the time we had. We long for another smile, conversation, or hug.
We become keenly aware of everyone who looks close to the age of our parent. We look for mom or dad in the faces of others. Our hearts are expressing themselves. Everything seems to remind us of them.
This is natural. We’re grieving the loss of a mother or father. Our life-web is hanging listless from the severing of one of our thickest relational strands. In many ways, we’re stunned and reeling.
Affirmation: It’s natural that my grief will be triggered when I see others with their parents. My heart is expressing how much I miss you.
Taken from Comfort for the Grieving Adult Child’s Heart: Hope and Healing After Losing Your Parent. You can watch the brief book video here.
Have you experienced sentiments like this in your grief process? Feel free to share and comment below!
Dear Gary,
Thank you so much for this helpful information. I often feel that the loss of my husband seems so unfair. It hurts and pains me when my sisters and other couples tell me of all the plans they have or going to have with their mates. I know that my mate is gone and is never coming back. I feel others with their mates have so much to look forward to. Sometimes I don’t even want to hear of their plans or what they have. I sometimes feel angry. I do not like it when they act like I am the same person I once was. I am not, it makes it easier for others to hear me say that I am fine because then they just go on, their world was not turned outside down. All I wanted was to have my husband, we were to grow old together. Most of them have no ideal of how I really feel. I know that life must go on. I miss my soul mate so much he was my best friend. Weekends and holidays are still extremely hard. Thank you again for sharing this article. I know that my feelings are normal.
Hi Janet. Thanks for sharing this. I’m so so sorry about your husband. How painful and deep that loss is. And I’m so sorry about how others have responded – or not responded to your pain. Relationships can be so challenging and disappointing during seasons of loss. Others really don’t understand, as you said. Please be kind to yourself. Though you might feel isolated, you are far from alone. Blessings to you, Janet.
We lost my younger bother will be 3 years in March. He was 45. He had non Hoskins lymphoma at 18. We thought he had cheated death. Then at 45 he had a massive heart attack. We were told he had the heart of a 70 year old from the radiation treatment. My husband was very impatient with my grief. His dad passed away after being sick for 5 years. I think by the time he passed away, he had already had so much time to grieve he had gone on his grief journey. I am so angry for my husband robbing me of my grief. I can bear to hi to funerals and have him show support for others when he couldn’t have the patients to be supportive of me. He was loosing patients even before the wake.
Your articles are always so on point! This one really hits home for me. Thanks for your wonderful writing on a heartbreaking subject.
Hi Sheila. Thank you for commenting. I’m glad we’re not alone – and that we’re in this together in many ways. Thank you for your encouragement, Sheila.
I feel like this all of the time…I lost both of my parents, first my dear Pop & 8 months after, by beautiful Mom & my world has forever changed. I do feel as if I have only half a heart left, if that. I feel this loss & pain. It is with me everywhere I go & with everything I do.
I am sad & lonely so much of the time b/c I lost the people who cared about me wholeheartedly. My parents were my family & now my family unit is gone. I am forever changed & it has been so very difficult for me to deal with this & to cope. I do look when I see others with their parents; I do stare. Sometimes I feel frozen. How I wish I could have my parents back, here with me. But that will not ever be…
I’ve tried & am trying to deal & cope with my grief & my loss. I am not the same person as I was. I have this new awareness. I’ve been teary-eyed, sad, just a mixed range of emotions.
I do believe my parents are with me in spirit. There is not a day goes by where I do not think of them & all they instilled in me. I wish I had spent more time with them as I was growing up; they worked so hard, tirelessly to make a better life for myself & my brother. I appreciate all of the sacrifices they made & I go on, yet it is very, very difficult for me. My pain & my sadness weigh heavily upon me.
I look to God for strength to endure all the struggles in life. I just wish I had my dear, sweet parents here with me now. Though that cannot be, I try to find comfort they are no longer in pain or suffering & are looking down upon me & trying to guide me.
Time heals all wounds, it is said. I think there are some wounds that do not heal, we just learn how to deal with them & cope as best as we can through time & our experiences.
This is so much how we feel about losing our son as well. It captures the essence of grief. Thanks for sharing it with me.
Hi Elizabeth. Thank you for sharing and commenting. I can only imagine how unfair things felt, and still feel. I’m so sorry. Please keep being kind to yourself. Blessings to you…
I lost my 34 year old daughter in October2019. Many times I have asked ‘God why have you done this to me, what have I done to deserve this? I was very close to Sarah we were more than Mum and daughter, in many ways we were best friends and I miss her terribly. As time goes by my sadness grows as it is longer every day since I last saw her. She was a beautiful kind caring girl, she always put others first, she would never say anything bad about anyone, she was such a sweet soul. Sometimes I think maybe she was sent to me to teach me something, but if that was true it has been such a cruel lesson. I try to feel gratitude for the 34 years I got to spend with her, but still can’t believe she is no longer here and all the time we feel her absence. I will never accept Sarah’s death and as long as I live will keep on loving her.