Some of us become hyper-busy after a loss. Is busy-ness a healthy coping strategy for grieving hearts? This post, adapted from the book Aftermath: Picking Up the Pieces After a Suicide, digs into this issue. Whatever your loss, chances are you’ve run up against this issue in some shape or form. See if you can relate…

“Staying busy was good in some ways, but I know now I was often hiding.” – L.R.

FROM THE GRIEVING HEART:

I have to stay busy.

If I sit down, even for a moment, it all comes back. I have to continually distract myself, crowd it out, and focus on what’s in front of me.

Somehow, I don’t think this is working.

I’m losing weight. I’m tired all the time. I’m not as sharp mentally. I’m doing things without thinking them through. I’m making mistakes. I’m doing more rework than I ever before.

I feel like a rat in a cage. A hamster on a wheel.

I feel trapped. Paralyzing grief on one side and mindless activity on the other.

Staying active is important. Being busy can be good. We all need distractions from our grief. None of us can bear the full weight of it all the time.

And yet, there is a line that many of us cross into frantic busy-ness to try and keep the pain at bay. Our bodies become addicted to activity as a way of avoiding the unpleasantness of grief. If we feel too much, we’re afraid of where it might go. It could sideline us. We fear the pain could be paralyzing.

It’s a balancing act. We need to feel the loss. We must process this traumatic loss, as we can. We also need to stay active and engaged in appropriate and healthy ways. This is all a part of healthy grieving, and it’s a moving target.

You won’t be able to effectively run from grief. If you try, you’ll simply be storing it away for later. Stuffed grief will spew out in ways that don’t help you or those around you.

Grief will be expressed. The only way out of the pain is through it. Include some people you trust and strive for a reasonable amount of healthy activity during this time.

Affirmation: I’ll pursue a healthy level of activity in this time of grief and be patient with myself in the process. I want to honor you with how I live and grieve.  

CONSIDER:

Here are some questions to ask yourself about your current level of “busyness:”

• “Do I sense my current activity level is healthy for me at present?”

• “Do I sense that I am running from my grief and trying to manage it with busy-ness?”

• “If I slowed down, what am I afraid might happen?”

• “If I adjusted my pace, what would I do to better process my grief?”

• “Is there someone with whom I feel safe enough that I can talk about this with them?”

In times of heavy grief, we don’t see life, ourselves, or others accurately. Our vision is skewed by our loss.

You will need the perspective of others along the way to help balance out the thoughts and ideas spinning around in your mind. As you process the grief and “get it out,” healing naturally begins to take place.

Adapted from Aftermath: Picking Up the Pieces After a Suicide. Watch the brief book video here.

Additional Recommended Resources:

Grief Soundbites: Emotional Pain – Gary Roe YouTube

Why is Grief So Confusing Sometimes? – www.garyroe.com

What Not to Say to a Suicide Griever – Dr. Charles Page Podcast