The world is often not kind to grieving hearts. Our lives have been changed forever, but the lives of those around us seem to go along untouched. Others are compassionate toward us for a while, but they expect us to quickly get back to “normal” – to our old selves. This article, adapted from my book, Comfort for the Grieving Spouse’s Heart, talks about the judgment and rejection we often feel from others. No matter what your loss, I think you’ll be able to relate…

FROM THE GRIEVING HEART:

This would be easier if it weren’t for the people around me. At least, that’s the way it feels.

Right after you left, people were everywhere. Tears. Hugs. “I’m so sorry.” “I’m here for you.” “Whatever you need.”

Where did they all go? They disappeared. Evaporated into thin air. Poof!

No one has called, texted, or emailed. No one has made the effort to check on me. No one has mentioned your name. When I’m with people, they pretend like nothing ever happened.

But something has happened. You’re gone, and you’re not coming back. My heart is broken. I’m in pieces. No one notices. Th ey just step over the rubble and continue on.

I’m not saying that no one has been helpful. Some have. I’m not saying that everyone is insensitive. Some have been kind and caring. I’m saying that most people seem to want to wish this away, and the result is that I feel invisible, crushed, and abandoned.

Losing you was more than enough. I hadn’t counted on the betrayal of others.

Yeah, I’m angry.

Loss changes our relationships.

When we lose a life partner, it affects more than we may have realized at first. Perhaps the key strand of our web has been severed and now all of life is unsettled. This loss affects everything. Other strands get strained and stretched. Some might fray under the strain.

Relationships are dynamic. They never stay still. We’re always growing closer or more distant, usually in small, hardly perceptible ways. When we lose a mate, all of our relationships are jostled. We head into a season of grief and pain.

Our relationships become more precious to us and we need the support and love of others during this time. Unfortunately, few people know how to care for a grieving heart. When we don’t know what to do, we often end up doing nothing.

The initial loss often results in other losses. People don’t come through for us, and we feel hurt, betrayed, or even abandoned. Our sense of loneliness grows, and so does our anger. Our hearts, longing to be seen, heard, and cared for, are further devastated and want to slink away into hiding.

This loss is incredibly painful, and grief is a lonely, rocky road. Finding good traveling companions can be difficult and challenging.

No one understands how we feel – even those who have lost spouses. It’s our loss and our lives. It is our grief – uniquely ours. Other widows and widowers can empathize, but they are not in our hearts and minds. This was our mate, our marriage, our relationship.

When those we counted on don’t even bother to show up, angry disappointment is the natural result. We must give ourselves permission to hurt over these new losses. We can find healthy ways to express the anger that comes.

Thankfully, not everyone will disappear. Others we haven’t counted on will step forward. New people will surface. We might feel alone, but this grief road is well populated with fellow travelers. We aren’t the only passengers on this roller-coaster.  

Affirmation: Though some people might disappoint me, I will grieve as best I can, given the circumstances.

Adapted from Comfort for the Grieving Spouse’s Heart: Hope and Healing After Losing Your Partner. You can view the brief book video here.

Additional Recommended Resources:

Heartbroken: Healing from the Loss of a Spouse – Amazon; view the book video here.

5 People You Will Meet in Grief – Thrive Global

Shouldn’t You Be Over This By Now? – www.garyroe.com