Friends are special, and best friends even more so. Most of us have had a number of best friends – parents, childhood friends, siblings, and spouses might be among them. This article, taken from Comfort for the Grieving Adult Child’s Heart: Hope and Healing After Losing Your Parent, talks about this special best-friend-grief that many of us know all too well. No matter what your loss, chances are you can relate…

FROM THE GRIEVING HEART:

You were my first friend in the world. In many ways, you were my best friend. I guess that makes you my first best friend. 

I have so many memories. How we laughed and played together. Where we went and the things we did.

I’m smiling right now. It feels good to smile. You mean so much to me. How can you be gone?  

You taught me so much. If we could list all I learned from you, it would end up being an extremely large book. I’m still learning from you, and you’re not even here.  

You left me many good gifts. Your words. Your wisdom. Your lifestyle, character, and values.  

You once said to me, “Show you mean what you say by what you do.” Words are easy. The proof is in actions. 

You also taught me that actions were thoughts first. I remember you tapping my head and reminding me that what goes on in my brain ultimately leaks out into my life. 

I’m thinking a lot about you lately, so no wonder my grief is leaking everywhere. My love for you was deep. No wonder my grief is heavy. 

I know I can’t keep you with me in the ways I would like.

I know I must let you go in some ways. But I want to hang onto what I can – as much of you as possible.  

I miss you, my first best friend. 

When our best friends depart.

For many of us, our parents were our first best friends. We were with them almost all the time. They laughed and smiled as we turned over, babbled, said our first words, and learned to pull ourselves up. When we took our first steps, they reacted like the most amazing thing in history had just taken place.  

We trusted them. They loved us. They taught us every day, simply through what they said and did. We picked up their words and mannerisms. We became little reflections of them. We felt safe and secure when they were in the room. 

Yes, they were our first best friends. Even if they weren’t the best parents in the world, they were ours.

Then we grew up, of course, and other friends came into our lives.

Some of us may have come from less than ideal home environments. Our backgrounds may have been complicated, confusing, and painful. In that case, we might be left with a mixed bag of emotions when it comes to early childhood. The thought of our parents being our “first best friends” might be a source of pain. If so, we grieve not only what we lost, but perhaps also what we longed for and never had. 

No matter what our upbringing, those who raised us from infants were naturally our first best friends. That’s the way we saw them. Their departure from our lives is a heavy loss. Childhood sets the stage for everything that follows, and our parents played a massive part in our internal wiring and outlook on life and people.

Whatever kind of relationship we might have had with our parents, their loss leaves a stunningly large hole. Our grief rushes forward to fill the void.

Certainly, we’ve had many friends along the road of life. Losing any of them is shocking, painful, and even traumatic. Friendship runs deep in the heart. Saying goodbye – whatever that might happen to mean – is hard.   

Affirmation: Losing a close friend is hard and painful. How do I say goodbye to someone so special?

Adapted from Comfort for the Grieving Adult Child’s Heart: Hope and Healing After Losing Your Parent. Watch the brief book video here.