When our hearts are hit by loss, we naturally go into self-protection mode. Our worlds have been upended. We suddenly realize that anything can happen at any time. We wonder what other losses are ahead.
In this article, adapted from Comfort for the Grieving Parent’s Heart, digs into our lingering fear of what and who else we might lose. Whatever your loss, chances are you can identify with the grieving heart below…
FROM THE GRIEVING HEART:
I found myself looking for you again today. It’s automatic. It’s like you’re a part of me and I can’t survive without you.
I miss you. Desperately.
I keep coming back to the same question: “How could this happen?”
Then I find myself wondering what else might happen – and to whom. Frankly, it’s terrifying. Anything could happen to anyone at any time. One minute you’re here, and the next you’re gone. What kind of world is this? Who’s next?
I’m scared. Terrified.
I want to take all of us — everyone I care about — and go somewhere safe where nothing bad can happen. No more loss. No more deaths. No more departures. No more pain and grief.
I know there is good all around me, but I can’t seem to see it right now. My mind keeps drifting back to you. Like a rubber band, I can distance myself from grief for a little while, only to be snapped back to this unpleasant reality of never seeing you again in this life.
I can’t even fathom what I just said. I keep expecting to see you and hear your voice.
How can this be?
Life is not at all what I thought it was.
I miss you. I miss me. I miss us. I miss our family. I miss everything.
What else might happen?
We know we’ll all die someday. We know all those we love will one day say goodbye and depart. Yet, we shudder to think of such things for very long. We hunker down, hoping to somehow keep death and loss at bay.
Parents expect to die before their children. Even if we don’t ever think about this, it’s a natural assumption that we operate on from day to day. When a child dies, the shock of the unnaturalness of it all can be ongoing. It’s unfair, unjust, and wrong.
If this can happen, what else might?
Our stunned hearts begin to wonder where the next blow will fall. Who? When? Where? How? Fear invades.
Being wired for relationships, it’s not surprising we try to avoid loss at all costs. We walk through life unconsciously trying to control people and circumstances to minimize any unpleasantness, hardship, and emotional pain. When loss strikes, and we realize how little control we have, our souls begin to shudder with the possibilities of what might happen next.
With the loss of a child, fear will likely come knocking. A parent’s heart can even be terrorized by future what ifs. We can’t stop the fear from coming, but if we can recognize and acknowledge it, perhaps we can keep it from taking over and ruling our hearts.
Instead of reacting by trying to run, hide, or deny its presence, we can acknowledge the fear. “I’m afraid.” We identify it, if we can. “I’m afraid I’m going to lose another child or someone I love.” Simply acknowledging and identifying the fear will help unplug its power.
Losing a child can be terrifying in many ways. Fear will come. It is a natural and common part of grief.
Affirmation: When fear comes, I’ll try to acknowledge it, identify it, and release it.
Adapted from Comfort for the Grieving Parent’s Heart: Hope and Healing After Losing Your Child.
Additional Recommended Resources:
Grief Soundbites: Fear – Gary Roe YouTube
5 Tips: Grief, Fear, and Coronavirus – www.garyroe.com
When Grief Makes Us Sick – www.garyroe.com
That is me. My husband passed unexpectedly 22 months ago and I cry every day. I have 4 kitties for company with one aging and a bit of kidney issues. I find myself obsessed on him and say all the time I just do not want to face any losses of my loved ones, but too know that I cannot avoid it. I would never do anything to end my life, but also pray often that I am ready to go as life has become hard
Hi Donna. On no. I’m so sorry about your husband. That loss goes so deep. Please be patient with yourself in this. It’s so, so tough and hard. I’m hoping you have someone where you are that you can share freely with? And yes…fearing more loss is one of the natural results of a heavy loss like this. Our hearts have been hit – and we’re scared. Again, please be patient with yourself and kind to yourself. And please reach out here anytime, Donna. Peace to you…
Thank you. I needed to read this.
Hi Sally. My pleasure. And thank you for saying, “Thank you!” Blessings…
Gary, I need a book like this because 18yrs ago my 22yr old son was murdered. I have such a hard time with his loss.can I order this thru you.
Hi Theresa. I’m so, so sorry about your son. That loss is so deep and traumatic. Of course you can get the book through me. Here’s the link: https://groe.myshopify.com/collections/the-comfort-for-grieving-hearts-series/products/comfort-for-the-grieving-parents-heart-hope-and-healing-after-losing-your-child Be kind to yourself, Theresa.
Gary, there is no getting over losing my daughter no matter what! I miss her, I miss me, this is my life and it shows and I feel it. I’m tired of pretending, my loss is sad and painfully real. You have no idea what this road feels like…..
Hi Sandy. I’m so, so sorry about your daughter. You’re right – there’s no getting over her. We never get over people we love – impossible. We miss them. We grieve. Pretending takes tons of energy, and our hearts rail against it. Our loved ones deserve us to live real, authentic lives – and that includes our grief. Thank you for your honesty, Sandy. Please feel free to share here any time – share, vent, or whatever. Again, I’m so sorry.
Hello
I have a great friend. It’s been 2 years now she lost her daughter to suicide her only child and a single mom. I had a difficult time period in my life years back she was there for me and cared for my daughter’s while I got help. This was long before she had her own child. If anyone was a great mom it was her. We aren’t as close as we were back than but when we see each other it’s like we didn’t skip a beat. I think of her everyday and I want to be present even when I am not able to be, if that makes sense. Do you have any readings about how to be a better friend to a grieving mother? I love your work and have bought a book for her. Thank you. You have helped me so many times in the grief of my brother who died at the hands of his wife and mother in law in a suspicious death that cannot be proven. Yet we know the truth.
Your work is a treasure.
Hi Dennise. Thank you for sharing with me. And thank you for your support and encouragement. I really appreciate it! And I’m proud of you for wanting to be there for this friend. I have a book called “Please Be Patient, I’m Grieving” that might help a little. Having said that, reading Aftermath: Picking Up the Pieces After a Suicide may help you understand more of your friend’s heart with regard to this terrible loss. I’m honored that you asked, Dennise, and please feel free to reach out and ask anything. I’m here to help, if I can. Blessings…