When our hearts are hit by loss, we naturally go into self-protection mode. Our worlds have been upended. We suddenly realize that anything can happen at any time. We wonder what other losses are ahead.

In this article, adapted from Comfort for the Grieving Parent’s Heart, digs into our lingering fear of what and who else we might lose. Whatever your loss, chances are you can identify with the grieving heart below…

FROM THE GRIEVING HEART:

I found myself looking for you again today. It’s automatic. It’s like you’re a part of me and I can’t survive without you.

I miss you. Desperately.

I keep coming back to the same question: “How could this happen?”

Then I find myself wondering what else might happen – and to whom. Frankly, it’s terrifying. Anything could happen to anyone at any time. One minute you’re here, and the next you’re gone. What kind of world is this? Who’s next?

I’m scared. Terrified.

I want to take all of us — everyone I care about — and go somewhere safe where nothing bad can happen. No more loss. No more deaths. No more departures. No more pain and grief.

I know there is good all around me, but I can’t seem to see it right now. My mind keeps drifting back to you. Like a rubber band, I can distance myself from grief for a little while, only to be snapped back to this unpleasant reality of never seeing you again in this life.

I can’t even fathom what I just said. I keep expecting to see you and hear your voice.

How can this be?

Life is not at all what I thought it was.

I miss you. I miss me. I miss us. I miss our family. I miss everything.

What else might happen?

We know we’ll all die someday. We know all those we love will one day say goodbye and depart. Yet, we shudder to think of such things for very long. We hunker down, hoping to somehow keep death and loss at bay.

Parents expect to die before their children. Even if we don’t ever think about this, it’s a natural assumption that we operate on from day to day. When a child dies, the shock of the unnaturalness of it all can be ongoing. It’s unfair, unjust, and wrong.

If this can happen, what else might?

Our stunned hearts begin to wonder where the next blow will fall. Who? When? Where? How? Fear invades.

Being wired for relationships, it’s not surprising we try to avoid loss at all costs. We walk through life unconsciously trying to control people and circumstances to minimize any unpleasantness, hardship, and emotional pain. When loss strikes, and we realize how little control we have, our souls begin to shudder with the possibilities of what might happen next.

With the loss of a child, fear will likely come knocking. A parent’s heart can even be terrorized by future what ifs. We can’t stop the fear from coming, but if we can recognize and acknowledge it, perhaps we can keep it from taking over and ruling our hearts.

Instead of reacting by trying to run, hide, or deny its presence, we can acknowledge the fear. “I’m afraid.” We identify it, if we can. “I’m afraid I’m going to lose another child or someone I love.” Simply acknowledging and identifying the fear will help unplug its power.

Losing a child can be terrifying in many ways. Fear will come. It is a natural and common part of grief.  

Affirmation: When fear comes, I’ll try to acknowledge it, identify it, and release it.

Adapted from Comfort for the Grieving Parent’s Heart: Hope and Healing After Losing Your Child.

Additional Recommended Resources:

Grief Soundbites: Fear – Gary Roe YouTube

5 Tips: Grief, Fear, and Coronavirus – www.garyroe.com

When Grief Makes Us Sick – www.garyroe.com

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