We all have ideas of how life should go. Loss tends to turn our assumptions upside down.

This article, taken from Comfort for the Grieving Parent’s Heart, digs into some of the natural assumptions we have about life, the order of things, and fairness. No matter what your loss, chances are you can relate to that unnerving sensation of having your world suddenly turned upside down.

FROM THE GRIEVING HEART:

“No one should have to bury their children.” How many times have I heard that? I agree. But now I’m living it. It’s all wrong somehow.

I should have gone first. That’s the way it works. Parents have children. Parents raise children. Parents release their kids into the world. Parents keep being parents — until the parents die. The baton gets passed and the kids live on. This is the natural order of things.

This – what I’m experiencing – is not natural. It’s backward. Reversed. Wrong.

Wrong. I keep coming back to that word. I find myself saying, “This is all wrong,” again and again. It should have been me. You should be here. I should be gone.

I know I’m going in circles with this. It’s a loop I can’t seem to break out of. Maybe I’m just in denial. I don’t want this to be real. My heart refuses to accept it. My mind can’t even grasp it, so what chance does my heart have in this?

What parent should ever have to say the ultimate goodbye to their child?

Wrong. It’s all wrong.

We all have our ideas of how things should go.

There is a natural order to things that most of us take for granted after a while. Certain things are expected and anticipated. Other things are out of the ordinary but are common enough to be accepted. Still other things seem unnatural, unfair, out of place, and devastating. Our hearts scream that such things should never happen. 

The loss of a child is one of the latter. 

People are born, live their lives, and then pass on. That’s what we see as the natural order. Grandparents pass on first, then parents, and then the children, and so on. When this expected timeline is interrupted, it’s as if time stops and begins moving backwards. Life feels reversed, upended. Something is amiss. It feels wrong.

We’re designed for relationship. Our connection with our kids is powerful, even mysterious. Most would say there’s something deeply spiritual about it. Separation from our children – especially via death – is not something we anticipate, plan on, or even care to contemplate. 

Children should not die. Period. So, when death comes knocking, it’s a foreign invader whose time schedule is off. It’s unexpected, unwanted, and terrifying. When it’s our child involved, death doesn’t merely knock, but barges in and trashes everything. When we come to, our child is gone, and we’re left wondering how this happened and why.

Of course, we know intellectually that the natural order of things gets frequently upended. Life does not work as we anticipate or as we think it’s supposed to. But the death of a child hits the heart in ways that nothing else does. This is the one part of the natural order that should never be violated. 

But here we are. We’re still here, and our child is gone. We’re enduring the unthinkable. We buried our children. We attended their funerals. Now, our hearts beat differently. We wake up every day in a different world. 

Today, we breathe deeply. We take things one step at a time. We give ourselves permission to grieve. We let our hearts feel and process the unthinkable.   

Affirmation: Losing you feels all wrong. This is not what I anticipated or expected. I’ll take my heart seriously today and take one step at a time.

Adapted from Comfort for the Grieving Parent’s Heart: Hope and Healing After Losing Your Child.

Additional Recommended Resources:

10 Myths About Grief Most of Us Believe – Belief Net

When We Can’t Protect Those We Love – www.garyroe.com

7 Questions for Life’s Tough Times – Thrive Global