Loss is painful and confusing. The following post, adapted from the recently released Aftermath: Picking Up the Pieces After a Suicide, talks about our why grief can be so frustrating. No matter what your loss, chances are you’ll be able to relate.
“It’s okay to have complicated emotions about a death. How could this not be complicated?” – A.A.
FROM THE GRIEVING HEART:
Nothing is right anymore. Nothing is the same. Everything has changed.
I can’t seem to figure this out. I wonder, guess, and surmise. My mind runs over the same ground over and over.
The world is different. People seem different. I feel different. I wake up each day to a world that looks the same, but it is somehow only a shell of what it was before.
Frustrated — that’s what I am.
Nothing seems to matter. I feel caught in this vortex of grief. Life is surreal and everything seems to be in slow motion for me. The world speeds on. You would think that nothing had happened. But something has happened.
You’re gone. The hole you left is immense.
Grief can be frustrating.
Frustration is usually a huge part of the grief process. In cases of death by suicide, the frustration involved seems to only escalate and deepen.
All of life is surreal now. Nothing is the same, but everything looks so familiar. We’ve living in two worlds at once – the world of our own loss and grief, and the world that speeds on about its business, seemingly untouched by the death that has shattered our hearts.
People don’t understand. They look at us differently now. Those who don’t know us are clueless about what happened. Others simply don’t care. Everyone is immersed in their own stuff.
Shock, sadness, guilt, fear, anxiety, confusion, and anger churn inside us. Questions abound. Frustration mounts.
Breathe deeply. It sounds so simple that we almost want to discount this simple skill’s power. Practice it, several times a day, if possible. Find healthy ways to express the frustration you feel. Get it out. Talk it out. Write it out. Exercise it out.
As much as possible, take things one moment, one step at a time. And breathe.
Affirmation: The frustration I’m experiencing is common with suicide death. I’ll breathe deeply and find healthy ways to express my frustration.
Adapted from the recently released Aftermath: Picking Up the Pieces After a Suicide. Watch the brief book video here.
Additional Recommended Resources:
When Details Complicate Our Grief – www.garyroe.com
Grief Soundbites: Expectations of Others – Gary Roe YouTube
10 Myths About Grief Most of Us Believe – Belief Net
It’s been 27 yrs since my brother committed suicide, my family just doesn’t talk about it, to suffer another loss my fiancee 4yrs ago to a drug OD, in my mind it’s the same thing thing as Suicide, they both chose to leave me me
Hi Sheri. Oh no. I’m so sorry. How awful and traumatic. These kinds of “leavings” leave behind broken hearts and so many questions. Please be very kind to yourself. Thank you for sharing. And please reach out here any time. Email me, vent, or whatever. I’m here to help, if I can. Blessings to you, Sheri.
Thank you for this poem Gary. Even though my late husband did not die by suicide, but from cancer that we did not know he had, this poem describes many of my feelings very well.
And my grief does not end… it is a constant roller coaster of good days and bad, worsening now as the anniversary date of his death approaches – again. Even with time going by, I will never be who I used to be before his death, and cannot find enjoyment in the life I have left without him… it is as if all experiences are filtered through a gray cloud. The cloud created by the immense hole I am left with. I have no one to talk to about my feelings – everyone thinks I should be ok by now and moving on. But I am not ok, so need to learn to live with the cloud and the hole he left behind…
Hi Windy. I’m so sorry about your husband. Thank you for sharing. You are so right on, and I know many readers resonate with what you’ve written here. And then there’s the loneliness… Ugh. Please be kind to yourself and patient with yourself in this. And please feel free to email any time – share, vent, or whatever. I’m here to help, if I can.
Oh this feels so much like me….
I’m 2&1/2 years into this horrendous journey, and it is still so so frustrating. There is no rhyme or reason to the emotions or knowing when they will raise up their ugly heads. I can be laughing one moment, then something like a cloud or the smell of a particular soap can send me plummeting into a sobbing heap of brokenheartedness. And the intensity, the depth of that grief surprises me, knocks me off my feet. The pain is still as strong as it was at day one. The pain hasn’t lessened one bit….
There is nothing to compare this to, there are no words I’ve found yet to describe the feelings of this loss.
Thank you for your article.
Hi Lee-Ann. Thanks for commenting. Well said. It it helps any, I’ve experienced similar things myself, and have heard similar statements from many, many people. In other words, this grief thing is so up and down and unpredictable. And you’re right. They are no words that can get to the depth of the heart when we’re dealing with love and loss. We just come as close as we can, but we all know we’re falling short of the mark of describing the indescribable. Please be kind to yourself, and please feel free to reach out any time. You’re more important than you know. Thank you for sharing.