Ah, Thanksgiving.
Festive décor. Tantalizing food and drink. Family gatherings. Fun and smiles all around. Expressions of gratitude everywhere.
Underneath the warm hugs and smiling faces, many of us carry wounded hearts. We’re thankful to be with those we love, but there’s also an ache inside that won’t go away.
Many of us are missing someone this Thanksgiving. Holidays can be wonderful. They can also be hard.
Holidays have an astounding ability to surface our losses. During this season, we’re surrounded by voices of the past – cherished memories that we hold dear. We smile, but perhaps we also want to cry.
And if we’ve had a loss recently, we’re hyperaware of who’s missing this year.
What do we do with that?
The healthiest option is to be real with yourself about what’s happening inside you. That will mean finding a way to express your heart this Thanksgiving.
It’s possible to take your own heart seriously – including the pain and grief rattling around in there – and still make this Thanksgiving a good, meaningful holiday.
Here are three quick tips for navigating Thanksgiving with a wounded heart:
First, give yourself permission to miss those who are no longer here.
If the right person is missing, your world can feel empty. Perhaps you’re heartbroken or feel shattered inside. Maybe you’re barely holding it together on the outside.
Most people steel themselves to put on a good face and just survive. We hide our grief. After all, who wants to be the Eeyore of Thanksgiving? So, we wear a mask, say the right things, and participate in all the niceties.
Inside, however, we’re dying. Our hearts are screaming, buried under an avalanche of what someone decided was appropriate. If we hide long enough, we can forget who we are.
We are human. We come out of the womb screaming for relationship. We’re made for connection. We don’t do separation well. When someone we love departs, our heart crack.
If you’re missing someone, it’s okay to hurt. Your heart is speaking. Listen to it for a moment. The pain of missing them honors them and your relationship with them. Grief says, “I matter. You matter. We matter.”
Give yourself permission to grieve, even on Thanksgiving.
Second, find ways to talk about them.
People work their way into our hearts. When someone we love departs, they become the proverbial elephant in every room. Their loss follows us everywhere. Their absence permeates everything.
Your heart needs to express itself. You’re grieving because you dared to love.
Find ways to talk about the one you’re missing. Speak their name – out loud and often. There is power in a person’s name. Your voice speaking their name is deeply meaningful.
As the memories come, share some of them. If you’re alone, talk out loud, as if you’re sharing with someone else. Or write it down. If someone is willing to listen, tell some of your loved one’s story – your story of them. You’ll be surprised how healing talking about them can be.
Some are afraid of sharing. They fear getting emotional. Plus, if others present also know the person (they were a family member, for example), many are terrified of setting off a chain reaction of grief.
But would that be such a bad thing?
The grief is already inside you, and it’s looking for a way out. The more you keep it in, the more likely it is to leak out in ways you won’t like. Others have grief inside them too. By being real and authentic, you give them a chance to express their hearts also.
Be bold. Take courage. Speak their name. Share a memory or story. Honor them by remembering them. You’ll be doing yourself and everyone around you a favor.
Third, make a simple plan to honor the one you miss.
Be proactive. Make a simple plan to honor your loved one this Thanksgiving. Your heart will thank you.
Here are a few possibilities:
- Light a candle in remembrance.
- Buy them a card or write them a letter.
- Set up an empty chair and tell them what you’re thankful for about them.
- Make a donation in their honor.
- Serve in a cause that was important to them.
- Have a time of sharing memories together with others who knew them.
Be creative. Do what makes the most sense to you. Keep it simple.
Grief is an expression of love. Take your heart seriously. This Thanksgiving will be different, but it can still be good.
Question: How can you take care of yourself and honor your loved one this Thanksgiving? If you have a plan, would you be willing to share it?
Additional Resources:
Surviving the Holidays Without You – Amazon
Grieving over Thanksgiving – PEACE 107 Radio
3 Tips for Enjoying the Holidays Even While Grieving – Dr. Laura
The last Thanksgiving we spent with our perfect angel daughter was when she made a pumpkin pie for her dad but forgot the sugar! Her heart was broken but her dad promised her it was still delicious ate the biggest piece! She cried but her dad made it all right. Time hasn’t taken away the pain of missing her at holidays for sure.
I’m so sorry about your daughter. Ugh. Thank you for sharing this delightful story. I’ve had one of those sugarless (unintentionally sugarless) pumpkin pies myself! I had the biggest piece too! Our daughters are priceless.
Thank you for this message. My wife passed away suddenly and unexpectedly almost 7 weeks ago. This is REALLY tough. She was my best friend, my confidant, the biggest and most important part of my support system. Her passing came only 4 days after my mother’s funeral. Our daughter, I adopted her, is 28 and trying to deal with this sudden loss, too.
As mayor of our community she and I would frequently be seen together. The special bond of being a “team” that our relationship created was what we relished. We wanted to be together whether if it was for a city-related or an event she worked on or that we jointly supported. The “we” of us was amazingly fulfilling.
Hi Karl. I’m so sorry. What a sudden, tragic, and devastating loss. And so close to your mom’s funeral too. No wonder you’re feeling as you are. Yes, we are definitely a team with our spouses – and in some cases more than others, that is so important. In your case, it sounds like you were wonderful together. Again, I’m so sorry. Breathe deeply heading into this holiday. It will be very different. Be patient with yourself. And please reach out here any time.
I loss my husband on September 19, 2019. We have been married 45.5 yrs and together since we were 14. I’m so lost, my world is shattered beyond repair. We did everything together as a team, we went everywhere together even the grocery store. Thanksgiving was horrible, I tried to help my granddaughter with the meal, ( which I always prepare) and made a mess of it all. I cried the whole day and night. I lost my youngest son 7 yrs ago the day after my oldest son’s birthday but I had my husband to help me. I don’t feel like I have anyone help now. I’m dreading Christmas so bad
Help!!
I’m so sorry. Losing a spouse, well, that changes everything – as you well know. Please be very patient with yourself in this. Please also feel free to search for “Holiday Grief” in the search engine on my webiste. The search box should be located at the top right of your device or screen. That will bring up a variety of free articles that might help. Please feel free to email me, share, vent, or ask questions. I’m here to help, if I can. Again, I’m so sorry…
Hi, Gary,
Thank you for the ideas. My son passed away on 1-1-14 to due hypothermia. I struggle with my grief, during the winter thru January. To honor my Son, I’m going to buy 6 balloons, for how many years he’s missed our yummy meals. Each balloon will have his initial, L-A-A, L-A-A. I will ask all of my family to write a small message & sign their name. We will release them to the sky when finished. We did one on his 24th bday in August.
In my Ojibwe culture, we also make a Spirit Dish to feed all of our Loved Ones, who have passed on. A Spirit Dish is made out of a tiny piece of birchbark, about 1/2 inch by 1 inch. It consists of a tiny morsel of every item of food that is prepared for the meal or feast, along with a few grains of tobacco, on the bottom. Always put that first. We were taught to Never “taste test” as your cooking, if you’re doing a Spirit Dish. It shows disrespect and greed by not feeding them first. After it’s made, an elder or an adult takes it outside, says a special prayer offering and sets it at the bottom of a tree, on the ground or a flat rock, which we have for ours. Once that is done, then we all can eat and enjoy our meal.
Our 1st holiday meal w/o my son, (2014) my mom said the prayer in our Ojibwe language and put out the Dish. Everyone was seated and eating. My oldest sister and I were on each end of the couch, an empty space between us. All of a sudden, a memorial canvas photo collage of my Son, flipped off the wall, photos faced up, and landed between us, on the couch!! We all looked at each other, puzzled & shocked.. My mom said to us, with tears, “He got his food…” OMG, we all stopped eating and cried a little… It was amazing for us to witness such a powerful sign. We were all in better spirits, after that. I’m a firm believer in the signs, my Son sends. I cherish each and every one of them, as I offer my tobacco, giving Thanks to the Creator…
I wanted to share with you, how I/we will honor my Son and others, who’ve journeyed to the Spirit World.
Thank you for your time,
Leondre’s Mom –
Sharon Adams
Hi Sharon. Thanks for sharing this with me. Amazing. I’m so sorry about your son. And I’m so proud of you for how you are handling the grief. We turn to our faith – to the bigger picture – and try to see things in perspective somehow. Your comment is a powerful cultural lesson and I thank you so much for sharing it. I’m wondering what the Ojibwe language sounds like…I’m certain it’s beautiful. Blessings to you, Sharon. Praying for you and your family now….
Thank you! You are such a great support.
Thanks for commenting, and for your encouragement. I’m glad to be here, and glad we’re in this together!
How do you do it when they left you by choice not death
Hi Adriana. Thanks for sharing and asking this. It’s hard. Period. I have had this experience myself, and it’s angering, frustrating, confusing. The feelings of rejection and betrayal can threaten to eat us alive from the inside out. Please know that what people do and say is far more about them than about anyone else – or anything – around them. Please be patient with yourself and very kind to yourself this Thanksgiving. And please feel free to email or reach out here any time. Again, I’m so sorry…
A friend sent me a podcast and I agreed with the words and they reached deep inside me.
Thanks for sharing this. And thank you for your encouragement. I’m glad to podcast was helpful. Please feel free to connect here any time. Blessings…
Thank you Gary! Love this and love you are right on target!
I’m definitely missing my daughters!!!
HI Kathy. Thanks for sharing – and for your kind words. I know you’re missing them. How could you not?! Love endures. Thank goodness…
My sons and I just celebrated my husbands one year passing by sharing his ashes with all the places he loved down the New Jersey shore..I’m starting my second year without my husband and people say it worse than the first year…I need suggestions to help me get through this…I miss him more now..than last year it was such a blur.. any ideas greatly appreciated.
I do some volunteer work twice a week…
Hi Judy. Thanks for sharing. Yes, the first year is often a whirlwind. We’re in shock, and more numb than we realize. Then the loss settles in and the pain changes. I’m so glad you’re volunteering. That’s helping more than you realize, most likely. Please check my articles section and search for “holiday grief.” Some articles that might be helpful should pop up. The biggest thing is to make a simple plan to honor him during these holidays. Nothing elaborate. Simple, personal, meaningful. And to give yourself permission to grieve. And please stay connected – reach out here any time. I’m here to help, if I can. If you’re not fmailiar with my book Surviving the Holidays Without You, please check it out under the “books” tab of my website. Blessings to you, Judy….