Grief can be overwhelming. We can only handle so much. Eventually, our hearts have to take a break. We feel empty. We become numb.
From the Grieving Heart:
I woke up today and felt numb. I was just there. I didn’t feel anything at all.
I stared at the ceiling. I lost all sense of time. I got up and went through the motions, hating every step.
I thought my heart was broken. Now I’m wondering if it has departed altogether. I’m a shell. I feel empty.
I’m surrounded by your absence. Sometimes I get some relief. There are times when I’m not thinking about you. Then something will bring you to mind, and I feel guilty for having forgotten you, even for a moment.
Your absence seems to have spread and now permeates my existence. You’re not here. You’re not there. You’re not anywhere I’m going to be today. The rest of my life will be spent without you.
The thought of that is more than I can bear. I don’t like this. In fact, I hate it. I want you back. Now.
I’m numb, but at the same time angry. Don’t ask me to explain that. I can’t.
I don’t know much of anything right now, except that I love you.
Hearts can only handle so much.
The heart can only handle so much. Broken and even shattered, we need breaks from the constant, grinding pressure of grief and its emotions.
Our hearts shift into survival mode. Our feelers shut down. We stare at walls, ceilings, and people. We look but cease to see. Life flows on, but we are not a part of it. The sadness, anger, frustration, confusion, guilt, and anxiety all add up, and the heart powers down. We feel empty, listless, even lifeless.
We’re numb.
We move in and out of this numb place. The heart takes a break and then begins to feel again. When the emotion gets too intense, it takes another brief hiatus. Like an electrical breaker being tripped or the emergency stop at a gas station being pushed, we momentarily switch off.
This on-and-off life is exhausting. Life is anything but “normal.” In fact, nothing quite feels, looks, or even tastes the same. Grief is pounding our entire system.
What can you do? Here are 7 tips for when you’re numb and empty:
1. Practice breathing deeply and slowly.
In through your nose and out through your mouth. Focus on your breathing for a few minutes. Do this at least once a day. Set a time. Make it a non-negotiable part of your routine.
2. Give yourself permission to be emotional, confused, and numb.
After all, how should be feeling? Chances are, your emotions are consistent with the loss you’re experiencing.
3. Practice being patient with yourself.
Be nice to yourself. This is hard enough without running yourself into the ground with responsibility, activity, or guilt. Practice giving yourself a break.
4. Power down when you need to.
Rest. You’ve been hit by the grief bus, and recovery from a hit like this takes a great deal of time. Our bodies heal when we rest. To some degree, the same is true of our minds, hearts, and souls.
5. Expect less of yourself right now.
Don’t expect to be at the top of your game. You’re not at your best. All your ducks are not in a row. That’s okay.
6. Focus on grieving in as healthy a way as you can.
Dump trying to be perfect of superhuman. Be loving toward yourself and invest in grieving well. You’ll be glad you did.
7. Guard your heart in your relationships.
Not everyone will be helpful to you in your grief process. Get around safe people who accept you. Avoid well-meaning fixers and critical advice-givers. Spend time with those who are loving, compassionate, and encouraging.
Numb is okay. Your feelers will power up and power down. As you grieve, chances are this roller coaster will gradually slow down, even out, and become less intense.
Affirmation:
I may feel numb at times. That’s okay. My heart is working to manage the unmanageable.
Adapted from the Best Book Awards Winner, Comfort for Grieving Hearts: Hope and Encouragement in Times of Loss.
Question: Have you been numb or felt empty in your grief process? What was that like for you? What helped at those times?
Additional Recommended Resources:
When the Heart and Soul Go Numb – www.garyroe.com
Grief Fatigue: When Exhaustion Becomes a Way of Life – The Grief Toolbox
My beautiful daughter passed away October 12th 2018 I miss her more each day that passes by I have secluded myself from the world that’s the only way I feel I can get through the days everything and everyone around me seems so normal I can’t stand it I am so broken and lost without her I am a mother of 6 she was my first born I’m also a grandmother to her beautiful baby girl that she has left me to raise each and every day I put on a show a smile on my face and do my best to be the best mother and grandmother I can be to the rest of my babies it is so hard to always be and stay strong but that’s the only choice I have I miss her and our life’s would be so different if she was here
Hi Yahira. Thank you for sharing this. I’m so, so sorry about your daughter. Yes, that loss changed everything for you. The world is certainly very different now. Thank you for the ways you are honoring her by raising her daughter and by being the best mother and grandmother you can be, even while hurting and grieving. Please be patient with yourself and kind to yourself. Take care of you – that honors your daughter more than anything. If there’s any way I can help, please let me know. Blessings to you, Yahira.
Numbness has been a gift at times,however, oct 3rd will be a yr since my 33 yr old nephew was killed on his motorcycle. Now it’s just raw emotions as intense as when I was first learned he was dead. i think we need to really honor ourselves with breaks, patience and some creative expression
HI Christine. Thanks for sharing this. I’m so sorry about your mephew. Ugh. What a terrible loss. And I couldn’t agree more. None of us could handle the full onslaught of grief. We need relief, some distractions, and breaks, as you said. Thankfully, our systems often power down to protect us from going too far. If there’s every anything I can do for you, please let me know.
Grief is like a box of chocolates. You never know from day to day what you are going to get. It is so oppressive and all consuming. Grief is work. No pain, no gain! Sometimes I need a break.
Hi Denise. Thanks for commenting and sharing. We do need breaks, don’t we? The grief can be so constant. So unpredictable. Whew…
HI Denise. Well put! Thanks for sharing. We all need a break!
Yes to all of this and nothing helps
I haven’t already said this so if you are going to knock me out after I have poured my heart out to you all, then I can’t do this any more sorry
Hi Norma. I’m so sorry. Loss changes everything. And at times, think can feel and loss so dark. Please be kind to yourself. And please reach out here if I can help in any way. Blessings to you, Norma.
Nothing helped me cause the pain of loosing my husband is so deep ,I died with him that day.He wanted to be at home when he died so we done that and I have my recliner setting right at the place of the head of the hospital bed was and now my chair is right where his head was when he died.I wouldn’t have it any other way.A year before he died his dad died. then I had a very close uncle,a cousin,a nephew 2 brothers that died all in a year and a half.I can,t even grieve for my brothers yet
My nrother was left to die while 3 hours of heart attack symptims. They left his body laying in hi bed for 17 hours before calling 911. No arrest or an explanation to my family to this day.
Hi Dennise. Oh my. I’m so sorry. Thank you for sharing. How awful. If you need to share, vent, or whatever, feel free to email me. Again, I’m so sorry…
I am angry and numb why my son has gone and left us all to feel this terrible pain. I cant function and wonder what life is really all about. My life will never be the same since my son died November 8th 2018. The old me has gone and this new me cannot function on a daily basis. I put on such a good show to the outside world but really I am slowly dying inside. Why can I not get a sign from him to say he is okay. This is tearing me apart
HI Cherian. Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry. What a terrible loss. You’re right – everything has changed and the old you is gone. We function. We wear masks. We try to get through the day intact. Yet inside is a different story. Please be patient with yourself in this pain. And please feel free to reach out here any time. Thanks again for sharing with us.
I am so sorry for your loss. I feel the exact same. My son died March 15, 2018 and I ache to dream about him.
Hi Sarah. Thanks for supporting others and for your comment. I’m so sorry about your son. If there’s anything I can do for you, please don’t hestitate to reach out. Be kind to yourself, Sarah. Blessings to you…
I tried to sign up for The Good Grief course but my email was blocked. Would you please tell me why nd what to do to correct.
Thank you Gary for your presence and your hopeful comments, series, books and just your compassio and empathy. The death of my husband, the love of my life and 2 daughters certainly put me on the path of the grief walk. I now have them settled in memory and my heart and once again as I carry them with me I am able to live again. i am a Spiritual Mentor who lives , continues to live and walks with others who grieve. so that one day their life will once again have meaning.
Bless you and your ministry to the grieving.
Peace,
Hi Anne. Thanks for reaching out! Sorry it took so long to respond. I signed you up for the Good Grief Course, and you should get a “Please Confirm Your Email” message soon. If you don’t, please check spam or let me know. Thanks for all you do, Anne. What a great gift you give to others – entering their world and walking with them there. Thank you!
I feel so numb most of the time. My life has been destroyed and I feel lost.
I have been told that I am grieving the loss of a friend. Can you talk about this? I think this is correct but is it the same kind of grief and how do I get beyond it? I don’t think the friendship can be saved, as I have tried but have been very hurt emotionally by things said to me.
Hello, and thanks for asking about this. Every loss is different, because every person and every relationship are different. But yes, you’re grieving. And most of the principles of grief are the same – it just depends on a variety of factors as to what seems to fit best in your situation. I would read through some articles on my site, with your situation in mind. Not everything will apply to you, but much will. And feel free to email me anytime. Blessings to you.
Gary, You have no idea how much your books and email have help me. I received email that I read right after my husband Tip died unexpected . We were at the gym together. I was and still am very much in such shock. What your message said made me realize I wasn’t going crazy. I order many of your books and get some much out of them. When I saw your pictures with your Reyn Spooner shirt I knew we had a connection. We also lived in Japan and Hawaii and my husband only wore reyn Spooners shirts . That was him .
He bought the first Christmas shirt they made in the 80 after running the Hawaiian marathon. You have been such a blessing to me. I went to a grief group that was helpful but I really get so much from your message. I can’t thank you enough for understanding how grief is.
Hi Rosann. Thanks for commenting. Oh my goodness, another Reyn Spooner fan! It’s all I wear as well. I feel in love with them when I lived on Maui for several years. I’m glad we’re in this together, Rosann. Forgive my delay in getting back to you. Please feel free to reach out anytime. Blessings…
Thank you for this. It explains exactly how I feel. My husband, the love of my life passed away a year ago September 11th. I can’t believe a year has passed. We were married fifty one and a half years. Our dreams, our future is gone. I miss him more everyday.
HI Betty. I’m so sorry. What a huge loss. Please be kind to yourself. Breathe deeply, and keep reaching out as you need to.