The following is adapted from the Book Excellence Award Winner, Teen Grief: Caring for the Grieving Teenage Heart.
If you’re grieving, you’ll be able to relate to this, whether or not you have teens. Grief hits our bodies too. Has grief gotten physical with you?
Loss can impact us physically, and teens are no exception. Weird physical sensations and troubling symptoms can make their already challenging lives even more difficult to navigate.
From the Grieving Teen’s Heart
KATIE
What’s happening to me?
I have headaches. My stomach hurts. I’m tense and nervous, even when I’m relaxing. I’ve been sick a lot. I catch every little bug that comes along. I’m exhausted, all the time.
I go through the motions. I smile through the headaches and the stomach pain. I feel nauseated, a lot.
I must keep going. Smile, girl, and keep your head down.
JOSH
I feel like crap. I’m tired all the time. My heart beats weird sometimes. I can’t sleep at night and I can’t stay awake at school. I think I’m losing weight. Nothing tastes good.
I trip over stuff. I stumble even when there’s nothing in front of me.
My shoulders are in knots. My head and neck are stiff and tight. My chest is heavy. I can’t get enough air sometimes.
I can’t think straight. I’m exhausted and alone.
Loss has great physical impact
Loss not only hits the heart and the emotions but the body as well. Many experience headaches, stomach distress, and muscle tightness. Heaviness in the chest, palpitations, and chest pain are not unusual. Dizziness, vertigo, and trembling afflict many. We get sick more often.
Teens are growing, developing, and maturing at a phenomenal pace. Unless they experience chronic illness or health issues, most will see themselves as invincible and indestructible. The grief toll on even a healthy teen body can mount over time.
You can make a difference
What can you do?
First, be aware of and respect the impact that a loss can have on a teen’s overall physical health (and yours too!).
Losing someone we care about is like being smacked by a tsunami. To expect to walk away from such a blow unaffected is unrealistic.
Second, know that experiencing unusual physical symptoms can be disturbing or even alarming.
Pain and bodily distress can stoke their fears, raising concerns of serious illness or even death.
Some teens can identify so much with the departed loved one that they experience some of the same symptoms they did
Third, if appropriate and helpful, remind the teen (and yourself) how powerful grief can be physically.
If they’re willing, ask teens to talk about how they feel physically and how what they’re experiencing might be connected to their loss and the resulting grief.
Don’t hesitate to seek medical advice or treatment. Let the examining physician know about the teen’s loss so they can keep this in mind. Emotions can be so overwhelming that medical help is needed to manage the resulting physical upheaval.
Fourth, don’t expect perfection of yourself as the teen’s parent, guide, or mentor.
Your job is to love the teen as best you can, in the situation, using the resources and wisdom you have. If you’re grieving, this applies to you too!
Fifth, one way to deal with the physical toll of grief is to be as proactively healthy as possible.
Nutrition. Do what you can to encourage healthy eating.
Hydration. Grief stress can throw the body out of its natural homeostasis. Supplementing with the right fluids can go a long way in supporting the grieving teen’s health.
Exercise. Exercise can relieve a great deal of anxiety. It also releases endorphins which the teen desperately needs while grieving. Physical training can bring a sense of well-being and peace.
Health professionals. Having a physician and a mental health or grief professional within your reach is a huge plus.
Sixth, be aware of any unresolved grief running around in your own heart.
Unresolved grief might be affecting you physically. Process what you know is there. Reach out for assistance as needed.
What you do impacts the teens around you greatly. Model responsible grieving and healthy living. The results can be extraordinary.
Grief can produce disturbing physical symptoms. Most of these will pass as the grieving person adjusts and heals.
Question: Have you experienced new or exacerbated physical symptoms in your grief process? What has helped you navigate this?
Additional Resources:
5 Steps for When Grief Gets Physical – Wellness.com
Weird Symptoms: When Grief Gets Physical – garyroe.com
Hello Gary.
I am an angel mom. My youngest of 4 sons died of cancer 21 months ago. He was 27 and the most successful son. He was a giver and treated everyone as if he were their brother! He was loved and respected by all. He was the apple of my eye, my heart, my pride and joy, my reward after a hard life of losses. He was married only 17 months when he died just 5 months after his diagnosis! My 3 older boys don’t live near me. I am alone. No husband. No partner. This article about physical illness with grief really hit home with me. I’ve been struggling with chronic constipation and now bladder prolapse!!! I’ve avoided the medical drs because they scare me!! Wanting to inject radioactive dye in my bladder!! I’m at such a loss. I don’t know what to do. I know I need to have my “things in order” before I die otherwise my 3 sons will have much responsibility along with their grief. Why is living and dying so hard?!
HI Diane. Thanks for sharing. Oh my. I’m so sorry about your son. How awful. And no wonder you feel as you do. You’re right – this is HARD. I believe God made us for relationship and connection – and we don’t do separation well, even though we know death will come to all of us. If we love, we will grieve. And we can’t afford not to love. Thank you for loving your family, Diane. Please be kind to yourself. I’ll be praying for God to give you some safe, helpful people in your life. We all need people like that. Be patient with yourself…
I lost my only son in a horrible car accident lately. It has been daunting to say the least. I haven’t slept or eaten well in months. I feel nauseous, sick and cant think or have any energy. I cry every day and lost my voice for a week. I am a ahell of what I used to be. I feel I have lost an arm or leg, a part of myself. Everyone just keeps moving forward in life and i can barely get dressed or eat. I am in shock and disbelief! I have no purpose and have lost all desire to do anything. I have guilt and blame myself. Am I a bad mother??? I have no one and no therapy I can afford. Even the sound of ambulances make my hands shake and my stomach turn. Its been 3 months and I am still not well.
Hi Lorri. Thank you for sharing this. I’m so sorry about your son. How terrible. No wonder you’re feeling as you are. This is a devastating and crushing loss. It also sounds very lonely for you. Please feel free to email me if I can help in any way. You need some safe, helpful people around you – even if those people are online. Please be kind to yourself, and reach out here any time. Praying for you now…
Even though I’m not a teen anymore, I lost my husband a few years ago and I went through loss a lot differently than I ever did before as a teen. I’m still grieving 4 years later even though it does let up after about 3 years for me. When my chest feels tight I have to practice breathing techniques to relax. As for eating, I had to cut back on everything my husband and I ate together and change everything and start fresh. It’s part of your grieving process and change in the new form of life. Things will seem more clearer as we all push forward in this thing alone, but yet together. Just take one step at a time and slow down and never forget to slowly breathe!
Hi Brandi. Thanks so much for sharing this. I’m so sorry about your husband. Ugh. And I’m so proud of you for how you have dealt with all this. You are taking yourself and your heart seriously and honoring him with how you grieve. Well done! Thanks again for sharing. And please feel free to contact here anytime. Blessings to you…
I lost my girlfriend of 19 years which I feel was my fault, now the guilt is so bad that I can’t move on. I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy anymore and my life is worthless. I deserve nothing.
Hi Stephen. Thakn you for sharing with us. I’m so sorry about your girlfriend. I know the guilt can be all-consuming at times. We want to hide, and think we deserve nothing good in life anymore. Loss does this to us. Our hearts are shattered and we’re expressing our pain. Please feel free to contact me at anytime. I’m here to help, if I can. Please take care of yourself in all this – she would want that.
I watched my son bury his son my 22 yr old grandson last December 19th. His other son buried his brother, my son’s son. I buried my son last July. I am dying inside. My grandson’s were very close. My son was very close to his son that he buried. I was very close to both my son and grandson. I am not getting any better. The pain of my grandson’s death was still and still is with me and now my son’s death. I am 73 and married for 57 years with 3 daughter’s. They are precious with me.
Connie, thank you for sharing this. Oh my. What a string of terrible, close losses you have endured. I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine what this jounrey has been like for you. The pain has to be immense. Please, please be patient with yourself in this. Do you have someone safe you can share with – without fear of judgment? Please reach out and make contact here anytime. I’m here to help, if I can.