When loss strikes, it hits your whole person, including your mind. Mental fog, forgetfulness, and confusion are common. This can be unnerving, and scary.
From the Grieving Heart:
I feel confused today.
One minute I’m sad, and the next I’m angry. I zone out and find myself staring at the walls. Everything seems strange, like I’m in some alternate reality that looks a lot like my old life. Except that you’re not here.
My life is not the same at all. Everything feels different now.
Then the sadness returns. Or maybe it never left. Perhaps sadness is more like a cloud that follows me throughout the day.
My emotions are all over the place, and I’m getting less able to manage and hide them. I feel unstable. I’m not acting like myself. I feel different.
The world around me marches on like nothing happened, while I’m stuck here. It’s like I’ve become an observer – an outsider looking in.
I miss you. Where did you go? Where did I go? I want my old life back.
What is life now? I’m confused.
Grieving hearts usually experience some confusion.
Here are 5 key things to remember when you feel confused.
1. Grief confusion is common.
When loss hits us, our hearts crack, and emotion pours out everywhere. Some manage to hide some of their feelings, only to find them leaking out here and there in unhealthy ways. Some express their emotions freely but in such a way that is not helpful to them.
Others learn ways of managing grief emotions that express who they are and their relationship with the one they lost.
When this unruly combo of sadness, anger, anxiety, fear, guilt, and frustration hit, confusion naturally occurs.
2. You’ve never been here before.
This is unchartered territory. No matter what you thought it might be like, the terrain you find yourself in is different than you imagined or expected.
Nothing could have fully prepared you for this. No wonder you’re confused at times.
3. Your mind is trying to make sense of this.
Your mind is trying to somehow make sense of what happened and this new reality that has been thrust upon you. Your heart is reeling from the collision of life and loss. Someone special is missing. There are gaping holes in your heart and in your routine.
Some confusion is common and expected.
4. Great patience is required.
Learning to be patient with yourself is important. The path is rocky, uneven, and unpredictable. Grief is a more like a marathon than a sprint. Pacing yourself along the way is more crucial than you realize.
5. You’re not superhuman.
You’re some grieving superhero. You have a heart. You’re human. You can breathe deeply and give yourself permission to not have to understand all the events unfolding in your life or be able to explain them to others. Life is anything but business as usual right now.
Give yourself a break. Your life has been altered, forever. Your world is suddenly different That’s confusing.
Affirmation: Loss is confusing. I’ll be patient with myself.
For reflection and / or journaling:
My Grieving Heart:
“If I were to make a list of words describing how I’ve felt since losing you, I would say…”
Adapted from the 2018 Best Book Award Winner, Comfort for Grieving Hearts: Hope and Encouragement in Times of Loss. Download a free excerpt today!
Question: Have you experienced mental changes or confusion in your grief? What was that like for you? What helped?
Additional Recommended Resources:
Thank you. It is so comforting and wonderful to hear someone say they understand. It’s okay. We are not crazy and our roller-coaster of emotions is normal. Perhaps not always healthy, but definitely normal.
I don’t have answers and probably couldn’t help anyone. I am just learning to feel and experience grief and pain as I need to. To cry, it helps release so much, even for a little while. Breathe and take each moment as it comes. Look for goodness and peace in even the small things. And to celebrate memories, old and new. If grief has taught me anything, it is how truly short life is. Somedays I am tired and the journey is hard, but grace and mercy are stronger and always get me through. There is always sunshine after rain. God bless everyone on this most difficult journey.
HI Mitzi. Thanks for sharing. You may not have answers, but you have a heart – and you can have more impact than you know in someone’s life, even while you’re hurting. Keep looking for that goodness – it’s there, everywhere… Blessings to you…
Thank you for your emails. Next month will make 2 years my dad has been gone. He was my best friend. It broke my heart when he died.
Hi Cheryl. I’m so sorry about your dad. Yes, losses like that can break our hearts. Please be kind to yourself, Cheryl.
Hi Gary
Your article sure sums up where I am today. Feeling terribly alone, and I am. I live alone, not by choice, but I never had any children, only my much loved 4 dogs, fish & a talking parrot. I live my life now, mainly in memories.
Isn’t it time yet, I often ask myself, that I have recovered from the loss of my husband? This coming week, it will be 3 years that I lost him – July 18th, 1:57 AM his loving heart stopped, and he couldn’t be revived. I went from a loving wife who adored her husband, and so enjoyed being married, to a distraught, lonely, bewildered widow, who still asks the air “Where are YOU, my LOVE?” I get no answer.
Since his sudden & unexpected passing (the word death still hurts too much) I have tried to become more involved in my church, going out with other widowed & single gals my own age. I am not seeking another mate – God would have to drop him into my lap. But even at the ripe old age of 68, I don’t feel so ancient yet that I can’t remember how wonderful it was to meet & fall in love with my soul mate, some 37 years ago, after we were both recovering from previous toxic relationships. After all – I am a Baby Boomer – we’re not supposed to get old – are we?
My husband was the light and strength of my life, and no matter what happened – we faced it together, like two sturdy old trees on a hillside that withstood the storms of life, before decay and weakness took one of the two away. Now I am that old, single tree, wondering where her life’s mate went. In a way – it seems like his passing was a thousand years and another lifetime ago.
As I am writing this – I realized that it was a Saturday – like today – right around the same time, exactly 3 years ago – only a half hour earlier, before my world started to disintegrate. How I wish I still had time to wake up from this nightmare, and snuggle into his arms, as I told him of the awful dream I just had.
Hi Lovey. Thank you for sharing. What a wonderful description of the grief coming from the loss of a spouse. Thank you. We wonder about so much – so many memories. It really does change everything, this loss. Please keep being kind to yourself and connecting as best you can with loving, helpful people. And feel free to write anytime. Blessings to you, Lovey.
Thank you so much for sharing your feelings of what you are going through of the lost of your loving husband. You expressed in every word what I am feeling and going through from the lost of my loving soulmate of 49 yrs. We were like 2 peas in a pod ??. Loved him dearly. At 71 I don’t know what life is suppose to be like now without him. God help me through this long distressed journey?. Thank u again for sharing. May God our creator comfort and strengthen and guide us and protect us with his joy and love and grace and mercy. In Jesus Christ name. Amen.❤
HI Selma. Thanks for sharing -and for your support of Lovey. I join you in your prayer today. Blessings to you, Selma.
The only thing that helps me with the deep depression, is vitamin B…it helps the nerves…but have to take it often!!
So many strange things have happened since loosing my husband. He keeps “showing up”!! From lost truck keys, found on bottom shelves in the kitchen, to printed letters, coming out of the printer a beautiful Fuchsia color, not the normal “black”…to an almost fatal accident, running off the road, the SUV almost flipping over, and immediately missing a large steel pole, that only grazed the back bumper by an inch, to let me know it really did happen!
LOVE IS ETERNAL! But gosh, just to be able to give him one more hug! Our loved ones never leave us…just have to be open, and “listen” in a different way! But yes, one’s life totally changes. For anyone else who is going thru this…God bless!!
HI Elizabeth. I’m so sorry about your husband. What a huge, massive loss. And you’re right – Vitamin B can be huge! Our nutrition often takes a hit when we’re grieving, just when we need it the most. Please be kind to yourself. Thank you for sharing!
Your grief series has been so helpful and reassuring to me after the death of our daughter. You have touched on so many issues that are occurring in my life invthese short articles. Thank you for sharing these.
Hi Deb. I’m so, so sorry about your daughter. The loss of a child, is, well, backwards. Devastating. Thank you for your kind and words and encouragement. Words like yours keep me going! Thank you. Blessings to you. Please be kind to yourself.
Thank you for your emails. I am not dealing with the grief of the death of a loved one, but am trying to learn to deal with the grief of other major losses in my life, and learn healthy ways of grieving the losses of relationships, the depression of a spouse and other kinds of losses I face with naturally-occurring changes in my life.
Do you have some suggestions along those lines – how grieving something that happened a long time ago can be processed well, and some suggestions or guidelines for healthy grieving the periodic other losses of life?
Hi Anita. Thanks for sharing. Great question. I often suggest people write down their “history of loss.” The list includes the major losses endured along the way – deaths, rejections, betrayals, disappointments, separations, etc. Once the list is made, go through them one by one. List what you sense you lost. Notice the feelings – and feel them, as much as possible. And then release the loss. I know it sounds simple – and it’s really not. But each time we do this, healing takes place, I believe. Some losses we have to do this with several times, or more. I hope that helps. Please feel free to email me any time. Blessings to you, Anita.
I so appreciate getting this material concerning grieving on-line.
Hi Carolyn. Thank you for commenting and for your kind words! Glad we’re in this together!
Hi. Thank you for these emails. 9 months ago my then 24 year old son was shot and killed. No arrests, so yes, I’m all over the place. But since then, I feel abandoned by everyone. I haven’t talked to my best friend in 7 months. Even my boyfriend. We had dated for a year, then my Ashton was murdered, and less than a month later his beautiful mother passed away from a long term illness. I know he’s grieving too, and he told me when things are better we’ll pick up where we left off, but some days it feels..my other children don’t talk to me about their brother hardly ever. They’ll pop up, check on me and they’re gone. I have so many unanswered questions about everything. Why? Who? Where’d everyone go? Sometimes all I can do is go to my son’s grave and cry. No one understands and no one seems to even try to. I’m in counseling, but she’s young with no kids, how can she relate? I feel like I’m going crazy!
Hi Jera. I’m so, so sorry about your son. How terrible, and tragic. I can’t imagine. No wonder you feel as you do. And no, people don’t know what to do with a grieving heart, especially in a situation like yours. And yes…the questions just keep coming. You’re not going crazy. But you are in a bit of a crazy situation compared to your normal before this loss. Having your son taken from you in this way is crazy. Please be patient with yourself. Is there anyone where you are that you can share freely with, Jera? We all need safe people in our lives.
It ha s been 6 months. Will it ever get better ?????????
Hi Rachel. Thanks for writing and asking. Sadly, in the grief realm, 6 months is a short period of time. We stop grieving when we stop missing them – and that may never happen. But as we process the grief over time, the grief changes in its intensity and depth. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, but healing does take time. But I know it can be so frustrating. Please be patient with yourself in this. And reach out here anytime, Rachel!