In grief, we wonder. What else could happen? Who’s next? Our questions can grow more frantic, and fear can begin to surface.
From the Grieving Heart:
I miss you.
If this could happen to you, what else might happen? And to whom?
Frankly, it’s terrifying. Anything could happen to anyone at any time. One minute you’re here, and the next you’re gone. What kind of world is this? Who’s next? Is it me?
I want to take everyone I care about and go somewhere safe where nothing bad can ever happen. No more loss. No more departures. No more pain and grief.
I know there is good all around me, but I can’t seem to see it right now. All I can think about is you. Like a rubber band, I can distance myself from grief for a little while, only to be snapped back to this unpleasant reality of life without you.
I don’t like this life right now. I don’t like myself. I miss my old life. I miss me.
We naturally try to protect ourselves and those we love.
We know we’ll all die someday. We know all those we love will one day say goodbye and depart. Yet, we shudder to think of such things. We hunker down, hoping to somehow keep death and loss at bay.
Our stunned hearts naturally begin wondering where the next blow will fall. Who? When? Where? How? We start to sense our own mortality.
Being wired for relationships, it’s not surprising we try to avoid loss at all costs. We try to control people and circumstances to minimize any unpleasantness, hardship, and emotional pain. When loss strikes, and we realize how little control we have, our souls begin to shudder with the possibilities of what might happen next.
In other words, fear will come. Here are 3 tips for handling fear when it visits.
- Accept that fear will come knocking.
Instead of trying to avoid fear or protect yourself from it, accept the fact that it will come. Fear will knock on the door of your heart. When it does, the goal to use it for good rather than allowing it to hijack your mind and make a home in your life.
- Instead of fleeing from fear, acknowledge and identify it.
Instead of reacting by trying to run, hide, or deny its presence, respond by acknowledging the fear. “I’m afraid.” Identify the fear, if you can. “I’m afraid I’m going to lose another loved one.”
Simply acknowledging and identifying the fear will help unplug its power.
- Be patient with yourself as you find ways to use fear for good.
When fear presents itself, breathe deeply and tell yourself you can deal with this. Even when you feel like you fail, take heart. Forgive yourself quickly and visualize yourself handling things differently next time. Even three steps forward and two steps back adds up to a lot of movement forward over time.
Focus on using fear to help you grieve in healthy ways. You’ll be surprised at the fear-handling skills you can develop over the weeks and months ahead.
After the death of his wife, C. S. Lewis said, “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” Indeed. Fear will come. It is a natural and common part of grief.
Affirmation: When fear comes, I’ll try to acknowledge it, identify it, and release it.
Adapted from the 2018 Best Book Award Winner, Comfort for Grieving Hearts: Hope and Encouragement for Times of Loss.
Question: Have you encountered fear in your grief process? What has been helpful to you?
Related Resources:
Take a Break from Depression – Thrive Global
Grief, Anxiety, and Panic Attacks – The Grief Toolbox
I lost my son to suicide almost 3-1/2 years ago. I worry about my other children wondering if they will take the same path. I question whether some behaviors are just normal for their ages or is there something more to it.
Hi Sherri. Oh no. I’m so sorry. Yes, it would be natural to wonder about such things. Loss, especially traumatic loss, tends to make us hyper-vigilant. We don’t want to miss what we think we may have missed the first time around. No more loss – that’s what our hearts are screaming. Do you have a safe person where you are who can be a good sounding board for these kinds of questions? We all need people like that. Breathe deeply, Sherri. And please feel free to reach out here any time. Blessings to you…
I’m going through this now. I didn’t understand C.S. Lewis when he said this, I sure do now. Its been 10 years since my husband drowned & almost 9 yrs since my daughter was killed walking across the street. This spring with all of the rain we’ve had & the water levels so high has had me stressing. I worry about my grandkids. I’ve been praying a lot & asking God for his help getting me through this time. I actually went kayaking this past weekend.
HI Kelly. Oh my. Thank you for sharing. Yes, rising water levels would be a huge trigger for you. And I’m so proud that you went kayaking! Amazong. Please be patient with yourself. Fear is much like a lake or reservoir – when it rains a lot, the level rises. It does up and down according to what’s happening in life and inside you. Please feel free to reach out here any time. Praying for you now, Kelly…
My son died at 32 five years ago this month. A few months ago my 25 year old granddaughter was very sick and that fear came over me. The only help is to leave to Father God for help and peace through the process. Thank God, she got better but faces some illness still
Hi Linda. Oh no. I’m so sorry about your son. And yes, a situation like that would surely trigger fear for you. The Lord invites us to come to him, especially when we’re afraid, and you did exactly that. He is our safety and security. Be kind to yourself, Linda. Blessings to you.
I have fear or sometimes feel like a panic that I will forget what my life was when my daughter was alive. I fear losing her in that way. Thank you for your help.
With appreciation,
Bonnie
Hi Bonnie. That is a very natural, and common fear. We’re afraid they will taken from us completely, even from our hearts and minds. We fear forgetting. The heart eventually settles into its own balance about these things. Things are not the same, at all, but we don’t know what they will be yet. That in-between place is HARD. Please be patient with yourself in all this upheaval. And please feel free to write anytime. Blessings to you, Bonnie.
I live alone, with several health issues. I took a hard fall several weeks ago, and was laid up for days. Would I be found if I died??
HI Caren. How terrifying that must have been! I’m so sorry. Yes, I would wonder about that too. Is there anything you can do to address that situation and perhaps alleviate some of that fear. If I can help in any way, please let me know. Be kind to yourself, Caren.
My husband’s death was particularly awful for me, because he did not believe hospice care would be able to alleviate his terrible pain (metastatic cancer, end stages) so he took his own life without any goodbyes or last words. I already had PTSD and this event (finding his body in our yard) sent me into a far worse condition. What helps? Two words: medical cannabis.
Without my homemade medicated gummies and chocolates, I would not be sleeping much; I’d have nightmares a lot. I’d be panicky, hypervigilant, subject to flashbacks reliving those moments over & over. And fear, lots of free-floating, unpredictable, nearly uncontrollable fear. Existentialist panic and dread, in fact!
Those things still happen during the day, to some extent. But as long as I can sleep, and then do some work during the day, I can keep it together. I am strong; I’ll survive. And my safe and natural meds, made to address my particular troubles, is part of my moving through this living nightmare.
HI Athan. Thank you for sharing this with us. I’m so sorry about your husband. Yes, that would be traumatic indeed, with lots of aftershocks. No wonder you feel as you do and are experiencing all this. Ugh. I’m so proud of your commitment to being as resilient as possible amid all this trauma and upheavel. Truly courageous! Yes, you will survive. And yes, this will change over time. You’re committed to healing, and that can make all the difference. Please feel free to write and share anytime, Athan.
My constant fear is of being alone for the rest of my life. The knowledge that despite my family and friends I am no longer anyone’s primary person and that at the end of the day I am always alone. It’s been 4 and a half years since I very suddenly lost my spouse and feel that I am no further forward in dealing with being alone both from an emotional and practical point of view. Dealing with life’s little emergencies just about breaks me and I find that whole feeling of being alone at night really difficult What if I take ill? Coming from a big family and marrying young this is the first time I have found my self living alone. I am truly like that rubber band you describe. I just want to find a way to accept my life as it is now and find contentment in my own company as I now realise that this is the only answer. I just don’t know how to achieve this.
Hi Maire. Thank you for sharing this. I’m so sorry about your husband. I know there are many reading your comment who are nodding their heads. They get it. Such a huge, massive change – a loss that changes everything. You’re right. Somehow finding contentment – a new kind of contentment – in our new situation is a stellar goal. How to achieve it? We simply keep taking the little steps as we can, as they come, one day at a time. The future is foggy. The key is learning to lean into a new contentment in the now, somehow. Maire, do you have anyone that you can share honestly and deeply with? Safe people are a huge gift, if we can find them.
Yes I have fear in my life every day. I lost my first son aged 33 and spent months thinking my remaining son would die too … he did aged 36 four years later. Then I feared for my husband. He was diagnosed with cancer a d died within eight weeks 29th April this year. So now there is just me left. I dont fear anything any more .., I want to die a d be with them.
Hi Sue. Oh no. I’m so sorry. Three such massive, huge losses. Each one would change everything, but all three together… No wonder you’re struggling, Sue. Do you have anyone around you that you can share freely with? Do you have some support around you? Please reach out here anytime, Sue. I’m praying for you now…