In times of loss, people seem to disappear. We can wonder, “Where did everyone go?”
From the Grieving Heart:
This would be easier if it weren’t for the people around me. At least, that’s the way it feels.
Right after you left, people were everywhere. Tears. Hugs. “I’m so sorry.” “I’m here for you.” “Whatever you need.”
Where did they all go? They disappeared. Evaporated into thin air. Poof!
No one has called, texted, or emailed. No one has made the effort to check on me. No one has mentioned your name. When I’m with people, they pretend like nothing ever happened.
But something has happened. You’re gone, and you’re not coming back. My heart is broken. I’m in pieces. No one notices. They just step over the rubble and continue on.
I’m not saying that no one has been helpful. Some have. I’m not saying that everyone is insensitive. Some have been kind and caring. I’m saying that most people seem to want to wish this away, and the result is that I feel invisible, crushed, and abandoned.
Losing you was more than enough. I hadn’t counted on the betrayal of others.
Yeah, I’m angry.
Relationships never stay the same.
When loss strikes, it affects more than we may have realized at first. A strand of our web has been severed and now all of life is unsettled. Other strands get strained and stretched. Some might fray under the strain.
Relationships are dynamic. They never stay still. We’re always growing closer or more distant, usually in small, hardly perceptible ways. When we lose someone, our relationships are jostled. We head into a season of grief and pain.
Our relationships become more precious to us and we need the support and love of others during this time. Unfortunately, few people know how to care for a grieving heart. When we don’t know what to do, we often end up doing nothing.
The initial loss often results in other losses. People don’t come through for us, and we feel hurt, betrayed, or even abandoned. Our sense of loneliness grows, and so does our anger. Our hearts, longing to be seen, heard, and cared for, are further devastated and want to slink away into hiding.
Loss is painful, and grief is a lonely, rocky road. Finding good traveling companions can be difficult and challenging.
No one understands how we feel. It’s our loss and our lives. It is our grief – uniquely ours. When those we counted on don’t even bother to show up, angry disappointment is the natural result. We must give ourselves permission to hurt over these new losses. We can find healthy ways to express the anger that comes.
Thankfully, not everyone will disappear. Others we haven’t counted on will step forward. New people will surface. We might feel alone, but this grief road is well populated with fellow travelers. We aren’t the only passengers on this roller-coaster.
Affirmation: Though some people might disappoint me, I will grieve as best I can, given the circumstances.
Adapted from the 2018 USA Best Book Award Winner, Comfort for Grieving Hearts: Hope and Encouragment for Times of Loss. Watch the book video here or download a free excerpt today.
Question: Have you experienced frustration in your relationships in your grief process? What’s helped you so far?
Additional Related Resources:
5 Common Myths About Grief – ThriveGlobal
5 Important People You Will Meet in Grief – Dr. Laura
10 Myths About Grief Most of Us Believe – BeliefNet
We lost our youngest son Michael April 15, 2017 in a motorcycle accident. Some of my closest friends disappeared and it was hard to accept that. Now just over 2 years, I have the wisdom from learning as much as I could through educating myself on grief and loss. The “address changes in my book” is something that my remaining family embraces. The company we keep is more thoughtful and compassionate. This is because we are surrounding ourselves with others that are either in the same club or other people that are able to deal with the subject matter without changing the topic because it is too uncomfortable. These are the people that give us the strength we need to continue without Michael.
For the people that are no longer in contact with us, I simply excuse them and the situation with thoughts that I feel sorry for them because they do not possess the tools to deal with this subject matter. Maybe one day they will be able to deal with it and return to us is hopeful, but I do not pine away waiting for that to occur. Instead we nurture the new relationships that we have. These are our “new normal” friends and family. Even though they do not share my last name we are forever connected and what I consider my new family. Sort of like your work family which you spend so much time with.
Our losses give us a new perspective that most people will never realize. We now chase relationships and not the money or possessions which most people covet. We understand the delicate balance that we have here on earth and how at a moments notice things can change. But ultimately it is up to each one of us to help ourselves and not having OUR expectations of others to define the paths that we take.
Be strong and dig deep, you deserve it!
HI Michael. This is great. Thanks for sharing this and your thoughts. Well done, sir. Michael is honored by your approach to all this. Again, thanks for commenting. If there’s ever anything I can do for you, please let me know.
My 3 biological sisters never acknowledged losing my son to me. Two of them were there to hold me up during the first time of seeing him in a casket, then poof. They were gone. My sons, best friend and other close friends have always been there for me. My itger one biological sister had the audacity to tell me to be prepared that I would be seeing my son in a body bag. OMG, were in the world or how did she really think that was going to happen. I knew every moment of my sons body movement from the time the coroner picked him up to him arriving at the funeral home. This same sister I have excluded from my life just because she thinks she knows everything and to me she is poison and I don’t want her in my life.
HI Elma. Thanks for sharing. I’m so sorry about your son. That loss is tragic and terrible enough, without these other complicating issues. It all sounds very heavy, and lonely. I’m glad you have some support from those close friends you mentioned. Please be kind to yourself in all this. And please feel free to comment here any time.
Good Morning Gary, my daughter lost her baby boy to a cord accident last June, he was stillborn at thirty-six weeks. This has been a hard year for us, especially her. In reading your column I thought of my daughter and sons relationship since then. He was there for the funeral and also paid for the funeral but has not been back to see her since that day. She saw him briefly at Christmas but that was only once since then. She is filling very hard toward him and says she doesn’t care if he ever comes around her again. That he has not been there for her. My son is married with a family and also a over the road truck driver which means he is only home on week-ends. But in saying that he could call her and talk with her and see how she is doing each day. I am stuck in the middle because I love them both and want them to love each other. I am staying out of that but I know she has to vent to someone and it is usually mom and dad. There is fifteen years between them and that could play some in it but her sisters have been there. I don’t know if my son just can’t handle the pressure or just would rather not deal with it but it has really hurt my daughter. Thank you for listening to me .
Hi Marcia. Thanks for sharing. I’m so sorry about this tragic loss. It’s amazing how loss complicates family relationships sometimes. Most likely, you’re right. He doesn’t know what to do with all this, and so he’s just choosing not to do anything. And we as parents do become the “venting targets” quite frequently. Staying out of it is usually a good thing. If there’s anything I can do to support you, please let me know. And please feel free to shout out here any time. Blessings to you, Marcia.
Gary,
I love reading your books…
Thankyou for sharing
HI Brenda. Thanks for commenting, and thank you for your encouragement! Glad to be in this with you!
I was thinking about this exact topic last evening. Everyone at the time of the loss of my husband said let me know,” if I can do anything at all of if you need me.” Those same people I haven’t heard from them. I think people just don’t know what to say so they stay away and go on with their own lives.
Some people act as though I should just move on with my life, I try but the grief and pain is still there. I notice some people don’t seem to want me to mention my husband. I have learned to only speak of him to those that will listen. It is also true that some of them have their spouse so they have no clue. Thank you for writing this article.
Hi Janet. Thanks for sharing this. I’m so sorry about your husband. If it helps any, everything you’ve mentioned is common among those who have been widowed. It’s sad. You’re right – you have to guard your heart and share with those who can and will listen and take your heart seriously. Grief can be lonely indeed. Please be kind to yourself in this. And please feel free to share here any time. Blessings to you today, Janet.
There are times when I think I am getting better it’s been 2 years and I am on a roller coaster of emotions. I lost my beautiful adult daughter to suicide after a long battle to help her. Losing someone to suicide is complicated between the shocking loss and guilt you feel . I will never be the same my sense of well being is gone!
Hi Janet. I’m so sorry about your daughter. What a tragic, traumatic loss. And you’re right. It’s complicated on a number of levels. This loss strikes us on every possible level. No wonder you feel as you do. Please feel free to reach out and share here any time. If there’s ever anything I can do for you, please let me know. Thank you for sharing. Blessings to you, Janet.
I would never have guessed in a million years that my husband and a friend of mine that I have know for28 years would be so judgmental of me and how I was handling my daughter’s death weeks into it.
Alison died while away at college, weeks before graduation. She was to graduate with honors from the University of Arizona. She was almost 22.
My husband is her step father so I didn’t expect him to be as distraught, but when I found out that he and my friend were gossiping about me and what a “wreck” I am, it floored me.
Apparently my husband thought that within a month, I should be back to “normal”. My friend fed into his view by judging how I handled my 10 year old son’s behavior issues following losing his sister.
My son was acting out and my friend was present to witness it. Even in my grief, I knew that children who are grieving can’t always express themselves and act out in anger. Apparently she thought I should be harsher on him and punish him rather than try and understand how he’s feeling.
She went behind my back to tell my husband who was out of town for work.
Not only have I lost my firstborn, but I feel incredibly hurt and betrayed by my husband and friend.
I found the text messages to prove that they both assessed my grief and apparently I wasn’t handling it or parenting correctly.
Neither person really understands child development or grief and what’s to be expected so for them to draw conclusions really causes me more pain.
I no longer talk to this friend abc only recently addressed this issue with my husband in counseling. (My daughter died 3years ago).
My husband still doesn’t understand how to deal with my grief. He actually complained when, in the days and weeks following losing my daughter, that “everyone cares about Kristen, no one cares about Larry “.
And, because my daughter died from an rx overdose while dealing with Borderline, depression and anxiety, that I should have done more. That if only I had visited her at college, it would have saved her. He truly doesn’t understand mental illness
He recently said to me that he doesn’t grieve because he doesn’t want to be sad.
I’m at a loss for understanding his view and feel very alone and judged.
Hi Kristen. Thanks for sharing with us. First of all, I’m so, so sorry about your daughter. How tragic, and traumatic. All by itself, this loss was enough to bring major grief. I’m doubly sorry that it has been complicated for you by these other issues. No wonder you feel as you do. In grief, we have to find ways to “guard our hearts” from unhelpful and especially judgmental voices and messages. Sounds like you’re focused on grieving in the healthiest way possible amid these challenges. I commend you for your courage in that. Please be kind to yourself in this. And please feel free to comment here any time. Blessings to you today, Kristen.