In grief, sleep patterns often change. Many have dreams of their loved one. We wonder what they mean. We wonder about a lot of things…
From the Grieving Heart:
Last night, I dreamed of you. We were walking through a meadow. A gentle breeze was blowing. Flowers were blooming, and there was a delightful fragrance in the air.
At first, we were side by side, and then you began walking a little ahead of me. We walked down a hill and arrived at a peaceful stream. It was so beautiful.
You walked into the water and then turned and looked at me. You smiled, and I could see the love in your eyes. Then you turned around and waded back in.
I tried to follow, but I couldn’t move. I panicked. I called out to you, but you kept going. As you got closer to the other side, you began to slowly disappear. Then you were gone. I stood there, weeping. When I woke up, I could feel the tears streaming down my face.
What was that? What does it mean?
Are you telling me you’re okay? Was that a goodbye of some kind? Did I just get a little glimpse of heaven?
I was glad to see you, if only in a dream. I miss you so much.
Somehow, you feel less far away today. I know you’re gone. And yet, I still have you somehow.
I don’t understand this at all.
Grief often brings sleep changes and dreams.
1. Sleep is designed to be healing.
It’s been said that we heal while we sleep. Your body rests and rejuvenates. Your mind often grapples with what you can’t consciously process during the day. All this makes sleep a more unpredictable adventure during times of loss.
2. Your heart is at work, even while you sleep.
Dreams can be an attempt to reconnect with your departed loved one and to somehow make more sense of what happened. Your inner pain and fears can surface. Not everyone has dreams of their loved one, and not every dream is a positive or reassuring one.
3. Your world has been shaken, and most likely your sleep will be too.
For most of us, our minds don’t rest well after a loss. Just as our worlds are shaken, our sleep is usually affected.
Fatigue and even exhaustion are common. Please adjust your expectations of yourself accordingly.
4. Your dreams reflect your heart’s pain, hopes, and fears.
If dreams of your loved one come, you naturally want to know what they mean. In most cases, the best place to look for an interpretation is your own heart.
When you have dreams of your loved one, it is certainly related intimately to your grief process. Let the dreams be what they are. If they concern you, consider seeking expert assistance.
5. Your dreams have an impact.
Some dreams might generate more questions. Others might reassure us and bring more peace to our hearts. Still others might stir or intensify our longings for our loved one. Be aware of your dreams’ impact and use them to grieve in healthy ways.
Continue to practice breathing deeply. Be patient with yourself on this unpredictable journey. What you don’t understand now might make more sense later. Consider what your heart is telling you and grieve as well as you know how at this point in our journey. As you learn to live one moment, one day at a time, you’ll be taking giant steps in understanding your grief.
Affirmation: There are many things I won’t understand. I’ll be patient with myself.
Adapted from the 2018 Best Book Award Winner, Comfort for Grieving Hearts: Hope and Encouragement for Times of Loss. Download your free excerpt today.
Questions: Has your sleep been affected by loss? Have you had dreams or nightmares? What has been helpful to you in dealing with this?
Hi Gary, I just came across your name through a support group. I then went to my kindle & looked you up. Dealing with being molested & suicidal thoughts sounds like me growing up. I hope your books will help in my healing. I lost my husband then my daughter, then my mom n law very close together. I thought I would never sleep again. This yr will be 10 yrs for my husband. I’m struggling lately with the fear of losing my grandchildren. I talk to God about it a lot. My husband drowned, my daughter was hit by a car. Both of them told me about their deaths. My husband said I would be there when he passed. My daughter also told me she would die that year & planned her funeral for me. Sometimes I don’t even know who I’m crying for. I know I have some unresolved issued just trying to figure it all out.
Oh my. Thank you for writing. I’m so sorry. What massive, huge losses. And yes…there’s all that formative trauma back there too. Ugh. I’m glad you talk to God about it a lot. He is the best possible companion and the ultimate grief expert. He knows all about loss and suffering. No wonder you’re feeling as you are. Please feel free to reach out here any time. Praying for you now…
Hi Gary
I stumbled on your website today. Thank you…
I don’t sleep nearly enough, and I hardly disturb my bed – It is as if I never laid in my bed.
My darling husband passed away of a massive heart attack in December 2018, too sudden and way too soon.
My gran had Alzheimer’s for the last 6 years of her life, and couldn’t remember me, we still visited her. My biggest heart’s desire was for her to meet and get to know my husband, and soon after she passed away I dreamt that we had a visit with her, and that she absolutely loved my husband, she turned around and said to me that she really likes him, and that he is a keeper… I remember this as if it was yesterday…
When I dream of my husband it is as if it is lodged in my memory as if it was a real life experience.
In one of my dreams he cried, sobbing actually, we held each other crying, and he told me that he doesn’t want to go – I begged of him not to. This had me upset for days, and even still upsets me when I think of it.
I tell our kids that if they dream of him, they must enjoy the visit, because that is the easiest way to explain it.
I really enjoy our visits, I just wish he would visit me more often.
HI Leneldi. Thank you for sharing with us. I’m so sorry about your husband. What a sudden and tragic loss. And it’s a loss that changes everything. These dreams seem like a real blessing – especially the one you had of your gran. We miss them so much. If there’s ever anything I can do for you, Leneldi, please let me know. Blessings to you.
Hi. Gary
My name is Mirna,
I just loaded my love of my life on 4/5/2019 due to illness.My sleep is not there I could stay up
Until the morning and not fell tired.Not dream of him but has smell him.
The loss of Rudy seems to me like if I was in a movie and his looking at me .I’m waiting to hear I just want to see how you Handel this .So I’m waiting to see him come in. He kisses me and the movie is over and live always .
Hi Mirna. Thank you for sharing this. I’m so sorry about Rudy. What a beautiful description you have written. Your love for him is so clear. Love is truly an amazing thing. Please feel free to share here any time. Blessings to you…
My 5 month old Grandson Troy passed away this past February 14. We’re waiting for the cause but we do know he had 2 strains of THE and his parents brought him back and forth from the hospital to the pediatrician. My daughter also brought him to a walk in treatment center. His last visit was the pediatrician who told her he was doing better. 4days later, he passed in his sleep. She’s a CNA. She came home from work to find him almost bent over and blue. Automatically, she grabbed him, woke up her fiancee who was sleeping next to him and started CPR. 911was called and next thing the police e as banging on our door, stating we had to get to our daughter’s house ..something was wrong with the baby. We had to take them to the hospital because rescue took the baby right away. I’m an R.N. and I knew he was gone but prayed I was wrong. We are only 8 weeks since he passed..and the emotions are so raw. I’m so thankful that our family got closer because we’re all devastated. We’re all grieving differently yet we call each other to see how we’re doing. We’ve had so many losses…10 family members 2013-2015. Nothing compares to this. I’ve tried counseling twice but I’m not ready. I’m supposed to protect my daughter..I can’t fix this and it’s killing me
My dreams for the last week is that I can’t find my grandson. I search everywhere with all of my family members and I can’t find him. I wake up crying and he’s lost. I can’t sleep because it’s the most helpless feeling ever..
Hi Kathleen. Oh my. I can only imagine how that felt. I’m so sorry. Thakn you for sharing. When these dreams happen, try to “get the out” somehow – write, journal, talk, or whatever. And please be kind to yourself.
HI Kathleen. I’m so sorry. What a terrible loss – and so many losses in such a short time. How awful. I can’t imagine the weight and burden you must feel from all this. And yes…it has to be raw and very intense right now. Please get around people who are helpful to you – whomever they might be. People you feel safe with. Over time, that will help more than you know. And please find ways to talk and share about what’s going on inside you. Feel free to share here any time. I’m so sorry. Kathleen.
Since my only sister died 2 yrs ago I have been having nightmares. Never did before ever in my life but do now. I remember very little about them, only terrible fear. I have landed out of bed more than once. Husband has had to wake me to get me to stop screaming and yelling more than once as well. Instead of the nightmares getting less as time goes on, they are getting more frequent. I dont try to understand any of it. I try really hard to feel safe knowing Sister is with God and God is always with me. Some days I handle it better than others.
Hi Dea. Thanks for sharing this. I’m so sorry about your sister – and about these nightmares. That sounds truly awful and terrifying. Thank goodness for your faith. It’s hard to process dreams when you don’t remember them, but are only left with the emotional impact. This is not unusual – I’m in this category too (not remembering dreams or nightmares). Please be patient with yourself in this. And please feel free to seek support here, if needed. I’m here to help, if I can.
It will be 3 years June 26th since my son died. I miss him more and more everyday. I thought I was doing a little better . I guess it’s better but not really it’s more like I’m just sad now. I try to be more happy but it’s hard to do. I just think about him all the time. I finally moved out of my house and moved in with my daughter and her family. I couldn’t take it anymore he never got married and he lived with me. I feel so guilty for moving. I feel like I left him. I’ve been with them almost 7 months. I have had problems with my sleep and I have had 3 dreams since he died the first dream was a very bad dream. I don’t like thinking about it. I’ve also had 2 other dreams they were so good. It’s been a while since I had them. I seen him so clearly. It was so wonderful I talked to him too. In one of these dreams he answered my question that I asked him in the other one he just smiled so big at me while I hugged him so tightly and told him I didn’t want him to leave. O how I wish I could have another good dream so I could see him again. It’s been so long ago.My sleep is a little better than it was at my other house. I will never be the same person as before I just miss him so much. Sorry for such a long email. I guess I just had to vent for a little bit. Thank you for listening. I appreciate it so much.
Hi Cynthia. Thanks for sharing this. I’m so sorry about your son. What a terrible loss. I’m so thankful, however, for these good dreams that you’ve had. Powerful, comforting, and encouraging. And you’re right – you’ll never be the same. But you are healing, and you will grow from this. Please feel free to share here any time, Cynthia. Blessings to you…
Hello Gary.
The dreams I’ve had, only a few, and these dreams are about my parents, we just visit-like a reunion. I don’t remember the conversations, but I wake up feeling refreshed and joyful. They are wonderful dreams. I wish they happened more often.
Thank you for your ministry.
Hi Annette. This is wonderful. What a gift those dreams are. I’m thankful for you, Annette. Hope you are doing well.
Sleep does not come easy I see my son laying on the ground praying with the 911 caller he is scared I did not get to see my son before he died and all I see is him dead
Hi Joanne. Oh no. I’m so sorry. Yes, images like that get burned into our brains. And it tends to be worse at night when all is quiet. I’m so sorry, Joanne. Please be patient with yourself in this.
I never did dream of either of my parents. I wish that I would, be I miss them so much!
HI Jennifer. Thanks for sharing this, because not everyone has dreams. I know I never did. It would have been nice, and perhaps comforting and healing. We do miss them, don’t we? Perhaps we didn’t need dreams…I don’t know. It’s a mystery how each heart moves through grief. Blessings to you, Jennifer.
This article is very true. I find that I do not sleep as I should. I think I have lost my sense of security. I feel as though I am always on guard. When it rains really hard or if there are high winds I can’t sleep. I feel frightened when there is a heavy snow fall. My husband passed away November 2014.
I never really feel comfortable, I feel like I am going through day by day.
Sleep will never be the same.
Hi Janet. Thanks for sharing this. Many widows experience what you’re talking about – that sense of loss of security. The loss of a spouse affects everything, especially a sense of safety. I’m so sorry. “Sleep will never be the same.” I like how you said that. Yes. Hyper-alert seems to be the new way of life. Please be patient with yourself in all this. Do you have someone you can talk to where you are – someone you can share freely with? Please feel free to reach out here any time, Janet. Blessings to you…
It’s been almost 2 years since my husband died. I have dreams all the time that are about him but more implied. Never see him. If that makes sense.
Hi Susan. Yes, that makes perfect sense. And what you’re reporting is common for many. We know it’s about them – we sense them – but we don’t see them. Thanks for sharing this, Susan. Blessings to you today…
My husband passed away on Christmas Eve. I did not find him until December 28th. He lived three hours away from home, where he worked and came home every other weekend. I went to check on him because he was not answering his phone or returning my calls. I was with him in September during Hurricane Florence and he almost died. I was able to get him medical care then, but was not with him when I needed to have been the most. My sleep has been sporadic at best. The only time I get any real rest is when I take ZQuil or some other sleep aid. Most of the time I nap for two or three hours at a time and have to get up and move. For the first couple of days anytime I tried to sleep I would see him lying in the floor. I don’t see it nearly as much now. But that image will haunt me for the rest of my life. The EMT worker told me that there was nothing they could have done even if they had gotten there when it happened. He was dead before his body hit the floor. I am going through the process of building my life alone, one step at a time. I have good days and some are so bad I want to stay in bed. I have no choice but to get up and go to work because I have furkids to feed and bills that never stop coming. Please keeo me and my furkids in your thoughts and prayers. I have no choice but to keep moving.
HI Lynne. Oh my. I’m so sorry. How traumatic, on a number of levels. No wonder sleep is different. I’m praying about this now, Lynne. May the Lord bring peace, sleep, closure, and comfort. He is with you in this, closer than you know. Please feel free to reach out here any time. Be kind to yourself.
In the first 12-18 months after the loss I would awaken regularly at the same time of early morning when the phone call came that my niece was not breathing and emergency personnel was on scene working to revive her.
I don’t remember ever dreaming about her, but there were many, many sleepless hours. I would rouse from sleep directly into anxious thoughts full of fear and anger and questions. Not awaken first and then upset myself, but awaken directly into thoughts my mind must have been working through. If I wasn’t able to put those out of my mind immediately, I wasn’t able to go back to sleep. I’d have to get up and try to sleep again a little later.
Losing sleep or even just not sleepy well, really wreaks havoc on a person’s body, add to it the physical and emotional and spiritual exhaustion that accompanies grief and losing sleep can have really exponential consequences. Everything seems worse when you haven’t had enough sleep.
When I couldn’t sleep I spent time journaling, reading in scripture and often shared my struggle with a friend or two via text or social media (anyone else awake could offer sympathy and prayer). What really helped was putting together a list of verses and things somewhere easily accessible so I could find them half asleep. I used a Pinterest list to compile verses about sleep and other tips and tricks (like breathing techniques). I could open the app and scroll through until the anxiety and fear calmed or the relaxation tip helped and I could go back to bed.
If I hadn’t slept well the night before or had a particularly stressful day, I would drink some sleep tea before bed – I highly recommend one with valerian root in it! 😉
HI Karen. Thank you for sharing. Goodness. What an adventure you’ve been on with sleep changes. I’m proud of you for going after it and finding things that helped. Scripture has extraordinary power. Others have also gotten some help from valerian root as well. Thank you! Praying for you now…
My husband died 2 years ago, and even past the normal period of interrupted sleep, I did not sleep well, did not dream, sleep was fitful.
About 6 months ago I began taking CBD oil drops a.m. and p.m. and now experience total relaxation, and REM sleep has returned…I dream every night. It has been a Godsend for me because sleeplessness, besides being miserable, is detrimental to our health.
Hi Betty. Good to hear from you! Thanks for sharing this. I’m elated you found something that worked so well. Way to go! Praying for you now…
Hi Gary, I had no idea grief is so long and hard. I just passed 44 months and still struggle with tears and little motivation. Sleep is a big issue. I don’t dream of my love but I cannot get to sleep till 3-4 in the morning. It doesn’t matter what time I go to bed. Really want more reasonable hours.
Your books and posts really encourage me in many ways. I doo feel frustrated with mylife so much though. Is life going to just be this way now without my husband?
Hi Gayle. Thanks for sharing this. I wish I knew the answer to that question. I believe that as we process our grief in healthy ways, we heal over time. Our grief doesn’t disappear – we don’t grow out of it – but it does change over time. Along the way, we can experience long periods of grief effects – things our bodies and minds get “used to” from living in grief. These things too tend to change over time. I’m praying for you now about this. Sleep is so important. I can only imagine how frustating this is.
I don’t have dreams often and if I do I can barely remember details for a brief moment when I wake up.
I did however have a dream that my deceased husband returned and moved in with his x-wife and wouldn’t talk to me…whatever it was he said he couldn’t talk to me right. I just forgot about it. I think I worry that when we all get to Heaven he will want to be with someone else. But I know things won’t be like that in Heaven we won’t have husbands and wives.
I am not sure why I had that dream except for the fact that my husband’s last words to me were not pleasant, he wanted me to take him from the hospital. I had told him I loved him and he said, “No you don’t if you did you would get me out of here”. We had a good marriage and were inseparable…I miss him terribly.
Hi Debra. Thank you for sharing this. I’m so sorry about your husband, and about that last interchange you had with him. Such things can stick with us and have incredible power. Holding on to the truth – a good marriage where you were inseparable – is so important. You miss him – that’s so clear. Your love for him is obvious. These things honor him and honor God too. Praying for you now, Debra…
I just passed the 4th anniversary of my husband’s passing. I have not slept well for about a week. I was not expecting to feel this way at this point. I have been doing quite well, mostly.
I feel my husband’s presence from time to time, but I really just want to hug him. Last week I dreamed that he came to visit me. In the dream, he had died, but told me he could visit physically every now & then. He laid beside me & held me. Then we shared a kiss & I woke up. I’m trying to hold on to that.
HI Karen. Thank you for sharing. Those anniversaries can really pack a punch emotionally. I’m so thankful for this dream you had, however. How beautiful. If there’s ever anything I can do for you, please let me know. And thanks again for sharing.
My husband passed away 16 months ago. I have not had a good night’s sleep since. I wake up every 2 – 3 hours, heart pounding and panicked.
Hi Gail. Ugh. I’m so sorry. Yes, our sleep can be radically altered, especially after a loss like you’ve had that changes everything. Do you have anyone you can talk to about this, Gail – someone safe? We all need people like that when we’re hurting. Please feel free to reach out here any time. Be kind to yourself today…
I take drugs to sleep. After my daughter’s suicide I knew I had to get SOME sleep. Even with meds it’s still erratic and plagued by insomnia
HI Kathryn. Oh no. I’m so sorry about your daughter. No wonder sleep has fled. A loss like that is so traumatic and upending. It alters everything. If there’s anything I can do for you, please let me know. I’m here to help, if I can. Please be patient with yourself in this.
That all makes sense, Gary. My problem is I wish I would dream of my husband more than I do. It seems when I dream, I can’t always recall what I dreamed about, or I am in a deep deep sleep and know I’ve dreamed, but can’t put it all together. It’s frustrating to me. I blame it on medications I take. Thanks for this, though. It’s helpful to know. As always, you are sooooo helpful.
Hi Terry. Ugh. That would be frustrating indeed! If it helps any, I don’t remember hardly any of my dreams. I’m just left with the emotions, whatever they might be. Yes, sleep can be a challenge. I trust that your heart is processing things it needs to, all leading to healing and comfort in some way. Thanks for sharing. Keep being patient with yourself!
When my dad died I wanted to have a dream about him to let me know he was Ok! That he was in heaven and he was Ok! I was so deeply hurt by my daddy’s death I did not dream! Or none that I can remember! I know he is in heaven and I am at peace but when my aunt died I had a dream that I remember til this very day of her sitting on a cloud telling me that heaven was beautiful and that she was with my uncle again and that she was Ok! Her face in my dream was illuminated and she was so beyond Happy! And I remember waking up with a sense of peace about me! So I knew she was ok!!! That was the kind of dream I wanted and still need about my dad!!
HI Angie. Thank you for sharing this. How frustrating – especially since you had such a wonderful, reassuring dream about your aunt. Your love for your dad is so clear. That honors him, and so does your grief. Separation hurts – so, so much. Thanks for being you, Angie. Please feel free to share here any time.