I recently woke up in the middle of the night in a panic – sweating, heart racing. I quickly got up and began pacing.
I had felt this before, many times. I was having an anxiety attack.
Over the years I’ve learned that I don’t need a trigger to be hijacked by anxiety. Repetitive traumatic experiences early in life naturally raised my anxiety baseline. Competitive swimming growing up and all the way through college kept much of it in check. Later, all that buried anxiety began to surface.
I’ve had three seasons in my adult life that I label “high anxiety.” Not surprisingly, these were times of great loss and emotional pain. With expert help, I managed to develop skills to deal with this unwelcome visitor.
When we experience something and can’t fully process, those emotions can get stored away in our bodies. We add to them over time with when little things happen. We have anxiety but it’s no big deal. We don’t feel the need to process or even mention it. Our reservoir of anxiety slowly grows, one drop at a time.
Finally, our bodies decide that it’s time to express it, and wham. A panic attack out of nowhere. Even in the middle of the night. Perhaps especially in the middle of the night. Our bodies flush excess adrenaline during the night, which can make us feel jittery and nervous. In grief, we usually have extra some extra adenaline running around.
As I paced, I found myself smiling. “Yes, this feels familiar. I feel anxious, panicky. I’ve been working hard. Maybe my anxiety reservoir is overflowing. My body is releasing what it doesn’t want to carry. I’ll feel this anxiety, and then release it. This is good.”
Within moments, my heart was calm again.
Victory.
After years of getting hijacked and even momentarily paralyzed by anxiety, I can smile. It was long time coming, so pardon me if I celebrate.
Anxiety is a natural, and even healthy part of the grieving process. Our hearts have been hit. A strand – or two or three – of our relational life web has been severed. This is hard, and can be traumatic.
When we learn to grieve well and in healthy ways, wellness tends to build over time. Breathe deeply. Now is not forever. This anxiety will pass…
Question: Have you struggled with anxiety in your life, especially in your grief process? What was (or is) that like? What do you find helpful during these times?
I lost my husband 2 and a half years ago. The first year I was numb and then the second year I developed generalized anxiety. I have a hard time being home too much, so I have something planned with friends every day. I anticipate having the anxiety ahead of time. It’s awful. I’m in counseling and trying many ways to lessen it, but the bottom line is that I’m afraid of strong emotions and don’t let myself feel the deep grief-the anxiety is in place of my grief feelings. I can cry a little with my counselor, but it’s too scary by myself. Do you have any ideas about how to not be as scared of my strong emotions and feel them more at home? It’s got to be easier than this anxiety. Thanks so much! Joan
Hi Joan. Thanks for sharing this with me. I’m so sorry about your husband. And I’m sorry about all the after-effects- like this anxiety. Anxiety can be so persistent. Our bodies can get used to it, and then, as you said, we start feeling anticipatory anxiety. Ugh. I have several thoughts, but none of them may be new to you. First, practice deep breathing – in through your nose and out through your mouth – slowly. Pratice this several times a day when you’re NOT anxious. Get the habit and rhythm of it. After about a week of practicing – and NEVER stop practicing! – try the deep breathing when anxiety hits. Try not to get discouraged, as this skill will pay big benefits for you over time. Second – write. When you get anxious, start deep breathing and then begin to write down what’s happening in your mind and heart. This slows your mind, and your emotions, down. Try those two things. Take yoru time – and they take time to develop into skills that make an ongoing impact. Stay with it. Persevere. And please, keep me posted, as you wish.
In my anxiety, starting within a year after my dad’s death, I was afraid to be at home alone at night. I had a roommate that would travel for work, weeks at a time, and when she was gone, I couldn’t sleep. I would go to my aunt’s house in the middle of the night because I couldn’t go back to sleep. I was afraid someone would break in. This anxiety spilled into other areas, and eventually I went back to the counselor. We talked through how to weigh situations as perceived versus reality. Truth vs news. Real versus emotions. Talking myself through that process still helps. Also, I took gun safety classes at the time to get a different sense of personal empowerment and safety, even though I don’t own a gun.
Hi Blair. Thanks for sharing this. Excellent. Truth versus news. I like that. Our emotions are real, but they are not necessarily reality. wonderful distinction, and knowing this can take us a long way. Thanks for sharing, Blair. Blessings to you…
When my anxiety builds up I have that “fight of flight” moment and I walk away from wherever I am. I lost my husband of 30 years just 20 months ago. Within the first year I lost my mother and 2 siblings. Just typing it here I can feel the anxiety. My husband was my best friend. We had our retirement years planned. I feel robbed. Planning my retirement adds to my anxiety now.
Hi Melissa. Oh my. What massive losses. I’m so sorry. And all so close together. No wonder the anxiety hit and took off. Please be patient with yourself in this. You’ve been hit by a bus, and then got hit again and again. We don’t just pop up after that. And yes, looking ahead reminds us of our losses too. If there’s anything I can do for you, Melissa, please let me know.
I didnt start having panick attacks until a year to the date of losing my only baby boy to suicide at the age of 22. I was driving to work when it hit me, and i ended up losing my dream job because of the attacks. Still to this day 6 years later i suffer from PTSD, severe depression, anxiety and panick disorder.
Reading your blogs help me to know im not alone!
Hi Shannon. I’m so sorry about your son. Thank you for sharing with us. These attacks can be such a prevalent part of grief for some of us. You are carrying so much. Please be patient with yourself as you walk through all this. And please feel free to reach out and connect here any time. Blessings to you, Shannon.
anxiety in “flashbacks” of “failing” my husband…
Oh Marjorie. I’m so sorry. I’m familiar with flashbacks, and then can be so hard. Please be patient with yourself.
I had a problem with anxiety attacks after the loss of my husband of 50 years and my blood pressure would go up to over 220 and I drove myself to urgent care. I had such a feeling of being alone during this time. Medication helped as I knew it would help and I would get through it.
Hi Linda. I’m so glad you got it checked out. And yes, medication can really help get us “over the hump” and assist us in managing things duirng all this upheaval. Thank you for taking care of yourself!
All the anxiety I have gone through over my lifetime, added to all the intense grieving I have done for the past 3 years, has developed into incurable heart disease, which is causing even MORE anxiety. And while you say I am not alone in my plight because of this support group, forgive me, but you are not here walking this road of life with me, and I am TRULY all alone. When I am sick, I have no one to care for me but myself. Only God is watching over me and wakes me up each morning … so far. But there will come a day when my heart will stop, and I may not be found for days, even with people checking up on me on occasion. Anxiety to the MAX degree!!
I have struggled with anxiety most of my adult life. It wasn’t until I was in my 30’s that I had my first major, full blown panic attacks. Waking in the middle of the night, heart racing, feeling as if I was going to die. I learned through counseling how to control the attacks when they appeared. After years of being on Xanax, I was able to wean myself off of them and the panic attacks seemed to subside for a period of time. That is until the sudden and unexpected death of my 29 year old son almost 4 years ago. Now the anxiety creeps up on my as certain dates loom on the horizon. I’ve entered that season of intense grief and anxiety again. From the middle of February through the end of March, my anxiety intensifies. Although I do have the tools to deal with the attacks, they seem to be more frequent and more intense during this period of time. For me, the only relief I get is when I pray and totally surrender the anxiety and pain of grief over to God. If I let him carry the burden for me, it’s so much easier to bare. However, it’s also during this time when I tend to lose my focus and I fail to take the burden to God every time the wave crashes over me. In a way, I feel like I need to feel this intense anxiety and pain in order to move forward in my grief. I have felt it for 4 years and it always returns intensely for about 6 weeks in late February and March. This is the months in which I spent the last days of my son’s life with him. Neither of us knowing that it would turn out to be the last weeks of his life. The memories play over and over in my mind and the questions keep tormenting me. I have come to realize that the answers are not for me to know. I have to put all of my faith in God’s plan and trust that for what ever reason, this was part of his plan and as a bereaved parent, I am not unique in this situation. All God expects of me is to trust his plan, remember that He never fails to keep his promises to us and to know that my son is safe, healthy and happy living in the presence of God. And I will see him again one day when God calls me “home”.
HI Laura. Thanks for sharing with us. I’m so thankful for your faith. Yes, what you’re describing isn’t unusual. Those times of year come around, and our minds and hearts know. The grief inside us begins to surface and find its way out again. It can be so frightening and debilitating at times. The Lord is patient with us, and He knows our grief and pain. He walks with us in it. He carries us through it. Laura, do you have someone where you are that you can share freely with about this. Sometimes just someone else in the loop can make a massive difference. And please feel free to email me or engage here anytime. Praying for you now…
I have had a week of anxiety attacks – today it was with me and I tried to overcome it, eating chocolate, shopping nothing moved. lost my only son, David two years ago and time, at the moment, is not an healer. I believe reading your page makes it a bit easier as I am not alone. I need to breathe and relax – hard!!
HI Janice. I’m so, so sorry about David. Yes, anxiety can build up and then max us out. And no, time itself doesn’t heal. Please be patient with yourself. Take things a bit at a time – one small step at a time. Please reach out here anytime, Janice.
How can I find help for that?
I relate to that.
Now I understand how I feel like that specially when I think about the future.
I get so anxious..I see life and future so hopeless loneliness hurts bad.
Is 3 years and a half I lost my husband of 20 years . my grandma and my dad also past away around that date.
I moved from the little town I lived to a big city. No friends..but family is closer.
Hi Elsa. Thanks for sharing. That’s a lot of loss, and a lot of change. No wonder you’re heart is hurting and unsettled. I’m so sorry. I offer grief coaching on a limited basis – that could help – you can check out my Coaching page on my website. You might also want to click on “anxiety” under the title of this blog post article – and it will take you to other times I’ve addressed anxiety over the last several years. Please be kind to yourself, Elsa.
I struggle with it now more then ever. My mom,dad and grandmother all passed ina short period of time and now for 30 days before those dates and 30 days after I suffer from premature ventricular contractions and it’s painful. They just come on with out a rhyme or reason. Scary stuff.
Hi Karen. Oh my. Scary indeed. Yes, that certainly sounds like grief. I assume you have seen a physician about this? Please take care of yourself as best you can. And please feel free to reach out here, anytime. I’ll certainly help, if I can.
I have struggled with anxiety for much of my life. Abuse, rejection, loss and so many other things caused me to fear. Fear led to anxiety and anger. I even gave up on wanting to live and attempted suicide three times. I had loss so much and was hurting so much I could not take it anymore. Thankfully God intervened and I am still here today. His Word, His Help and His Love are the only reason I am still here today, thank God. I found comfort and strength in Scripture and in the lives of those written about in the Bible. Which led me to write a collection of fictional letters, which I call, ‘Letters from God’. They helped me to relate to the people I found in the Bible and their struggles, trials, and tribulations, giving me strength to live and to move forward. I pray to help anyone who is lost and hurting, who feel like giving up like I did. I still struggle with anxiety but it no longer controls me. Thankfully God gives me strength through His Word, His Spirit and His Love.
Hi Julie. Great to hear from you! Thank you for sharing this. I’m thankful – so thankful – for your faith and how you have approached this. Yes, we struggle, but in Christ we are victorious – and that victory often plays out slowly, over time. Thanks again, Julie. Blessings to you…
I keep telling myself,” this will pass, breath…’
Hi Alicia. Thanks for sharing. Yes, it will pass. Breathe. Anxiety comes, and it goes. Please keep being patient with yourself.
Hi Gary,my anxiety just happens it comes out of nowhere. My counselor taught me a breathing technique that helps or meditating in my safe place. I usually get really short of breath and fearful. If I am unable to control my anxiety as a last resort I have medication I can take. It’s hard at times especially when I had so many deaths in a short time in 2010 I prefer not to use medication if I can
Hi Debi. Thanks for sharing this. Yes, when our anxiety baseline gets high enough – when our hearts have had enough hits – then anxiety and panic can descend out of nowhere. It’s a physical reaction to all the emotional weight. I too prefer not to use medication if I don’t have to – but I have been grateful for it when I needed help to manage the emotions, etc. It’s a hard balancing act. One step at a time. One moment at a time. Be patient with yourself…
Beautiful!
Hi Carol. Thank you for commenting! If I can ever do anything for you, please let me know.
It’s been 9 years since my husband and parents went to heaven. Every morning I continue to wake up feeling fear and anxiety. As soon as I read my Bible and cry, those feelings dissipate. I don’t know how to not wake up feeling that way. It’s not a good way to start each day.
Hi Candy. Thanks for sharing this. Sometimes our bodies can get used to feeling anxiety at certain times – and so it becomes a physical habit of sorts. Some of us, myself incuded, process things in our sleep, and then wake up with the feelings. I’m glad you take this seriously and read and pray – and that releases the pressure and God brings his peace. But you’re right – not a good way to start things off every day. Are you talking with anyone about this – counseling, etc? Please be kind to yourself.
Anxiety alive and well, here. Just like my grief. Just not easing at all.
Hi Barb. Ugh. Yes, it can set up shop and exert all kinds of influence in our lives. Yuck. I’m still hoping and praying for a breakthrough for you somehow. Thank you for your honesty.
I still deal with anxiety every day. One of my daughters was diagnosed as being bi-polar when she was in NYC. She came to live with us & it was one of the worst times of our lives. Then my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I myself am a survivor. I moved back home where my other 3 children were at the time. I now live alone & nothing is the same. I lost 2 of my best friends & another is in a wheelchair with Parkinson’s Almost every day, I deal with stress of some kind. My salvation is my computer, but it doesn’t make up for people. I see 2 daughters, one once a week & the problem one several times. The other 2 only at holidays if I’m lucky both show up. I’m on medication but it doesn’t always help.
Hi Suzanne. Thanks for sharing this. You’ve really been through it – and continue to go through it. And it sounds like your world has shrunk over time. No wonder you feel alone at times and isolated. You’re right. We need people. I’m praying for you now – for people to come into your life that are helpful and supportive. We need people like that – all of us.
Thanks for writing these helpful posts. I struggled with anxiety during the 18 years I cared for my medically fragile son. I never realized it. I just kept pushing it down down down. When he became an adult I thought all my body aches where from the constant lifting of a now grown child. After he passed, however, the aches and pains only got worse. I went to my family doctor who put me on some antidepressants. What a difference! I feel like me for the first time in a long long time. I was reluctant to go on any medication. But it has helped me get back to life.
Hi Christine. Oh my. What a long, hard road. Thank you for caring for your son as you did. And thank you for seeking help when you needed it. Yes, medication can make a huge, massive difference sometimes. I’m so sorry for all you’ve endured. Thank you for taking your heart seriously. Blessings to you…
I, too, suffer from panic and anxiety and it is much worse since the death of my husband. He passed 12/04/17 at work on a fishing vessel. The vessel went down and 2 survived and 2 perished. I try to beat anxiety. I pace. I try desperately breathing and I get lightheaded. I tell myself, this will pass and ride it out until it does. I try essential oils. Breathing them in. Lavender, sandalwood. God. Bless you all on this hellish jouney.
Hi Tammy. Thanks for sharing this. Thank you for taking the anxiety and your own heart seriously. This is really a one step at a time adventure. As we process things, and do what we know to do, in most cases our grief changes over time. Kepe breathing deeply! And keep reaching out here, anytime.